It’s fall, which means it’s time to pick apples and steal cars.

We’re gonna do what they say can’t be done.

He swept his right arm across hall, looked me in the eye, and said three little words that every benevolent ruler wants to hear: ‘We’re commanding them.’

Running as a ‘legitimate’ candidate‒a true man of the people‒is a marathon, not a sprint.

Sure, I’ve probably got grassroots support, but I’m not in it for support. I’m in it for my own personal gain.

In 2020, you have a choice. You can go for those who want to play Johnny Appleseed or you can go for those who have your ability to breathe freely in mind.

The year was 1986. That’s when the early signs of a revolution emerged in the form of Cool Ranch Doritos.

When it comes to making the perfect quiche, you’ll need a few things. An apron. A windbreaker. A gas leak. Don’t worry about the fact that the list doesn’t make sense yet. It will.

The stockings are hung, possibly with care. That’s not really my concern. They don’t even have to be hung, as not everyone has a chimney.

If things don’t seem to make sense, that’s a feature.

You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth. About tortillas.

A new you is out there waiting, although you may need a disguise.

Never hire a jerboa to be your au pair, unless you love awesomeness.

If you’re going to take over the eastern seaboard, you’ll need two things: crème eggs, and a flamethrower.