This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 132
Albert, the hero of our story, never set out to be a sentient wooden leg. He never even set out to be sentient.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 131
As the moon rises, another shirt and pair of shoes get ruined.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 130
If I couldn’t be trusted to prevent a stuffed bear from stealing my car, then how could I be trusted to stop Nicolas Cage from stealing the Constitution?
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 129
It’s fall, which means it’s time to pick apples and steal cars.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 128
We’re gonna do what they say can’t be done.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 127
He swept his right arm across hall, looked me in the eye, and said three little words that every benevolent ruler wants to hear: ‘We’re commanding them.’
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 126
Running as a ‘legitimate’ candidate‒a true man of the people‒is a marathon, not a sprint.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 125
Pardon me, gentle voters, but ¿Donde está la biblioteca?
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 124
Sure, I’ve probably got grassroots support, but I’m not in it for support. I’m in it for my own personal gain.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 123
In 2020, you have a choice. You can go for those who want to play Johnny Appleseed or you can go for those who have your ability to breathe freely in mind.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 122
If you’re looking for a ‘legitimate’ candidate for president, I’m an option.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 121
The year was 1986. That’s when the early signs of a revolution emerged in the form of Cool Ranch Doritos.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 120
When it comes to making the perfect quiche, you’ll need a few things. An apron. A windbreaker. A gas leak. Don’t worry about the fact that the list doesn’t make sense yet. It will.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 119
‘You say it’s your birthday? It’s my birthday, too.’
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 118
The stockings are hung, possibly with care. That’s not really my concern. They don’t even have to be hung, as not everyone has a chimney.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 117
If things don’t seem to make sense, that’s a feature.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 116
You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth. About tortillas.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 115
All that stands between you and Earth 2 is yourself. And a robot army. Don’t forget the explosives.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 114
A new you is out there waiting, although you may need a disguise.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 113
When you go to a play, you get what you deserve.