The year was 1986. That’s when the early signs of a revolution emerged in the form of Cool Ranch Doritos.

When it comes to making the perfect quiche, you’ll need a few things. An apron. A windbreaker. A gas leak. Don’t worry about the fact that the list doesn’t make sense yet. It will.

The stockings are hung, possibly with care. That’s not really my concern. They don’t even have to be hung, as not everyone has a chimney.

If things don’t seem to make sense, that’s a feature.

You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth. About tortillas.

A new you is out there waiting, although you may need a disguise.

Never hire a jerboa to be your au pair, unless you love awesomeness.

If you’re going to take over the eastern seaboard, you’ll need two things: crème eggs, and a flamethrower.

So you’re an escaped hologram and you have a capybara.

Even if your spirit animal is a sloth, you can still accomplish some stuff.

They slid down the chimney and shimmied into a hallway. There, they found a door ajar. In it, a pair of sisters sat, one on the bed and one on the trundle.

In the words David Lee Roth, ‘I cannot get there from here, baby.’ Sometimes Dave got things wrong.

Or why open office plans are terrible for producing thoughtful, coherent pyramid schemes involving hybrid attack animals.

As 99 navigated between pieces of gym equipment, various props, and a giant box of toothpicks, he noticed the comic’s veiny biceps and bright red hair.