My magnanimity would prove to be my downfall, though not on that crisp fall day when the family and I were dressed crisply and picking crisp apples. It would happen later, when opposition researchers dug up what Bindi, Fuzzy, and Bushy had been getting into. If I couldn’t be trusted to prevent a stuffed bear from stealing my car, then how could I be trusted to stop Nicolas Cage from stealing the Constitution? The ads were ready made, or at least they would have been had I been enough of a force to warrant negative advertising.
My campaign still doesn’t know how word of the stolen car and other escapades got out, though it’s likely that my ongoing battle with a certain resident of community over his extreme hedges played a factor, as was the fact that the trio got pulled over in front of his house. In my defense, though, his hedges clearly violate the property owner’s association regulations regarding foliage, shrubbery, and other organic lifeforms that occupy the street-side of developed properties.
In any case, the dash cam footage was leaked, word of my family’s more adventurous side got out, and I was left with no choice, one that I’m now ready to relay to you though I made it several weeks ago. Effective immediately, I’m suspending my campaign. And though I am suspending my campaign, I do have an ask for you, which is also known as a request. Let us each continue our commitment to me in whatever capacity we can.
For we’ve prided ourselves on being clear eyed in this campaign. That’s why I’m not exiting with a happy heart. It’s your fault that I’ve got to go back to whatever my day job is.
Everything I do is done begrudgingly.
— sir pierre* (@heatherlou_) November 30, 2019
Or maybe I’ll just continue traveling around the country, standing on tables, and gesticulating wildly. I deserve it.
You need to put me on a pedestal right now.
— richie (@theregoesrichie) November 29, 2019
I should also probably go live on social media showcasing how I’m still doing normal people things.
*showing Rice Krispies box to my stylist*
I want to look like Snap
— JEFF NEWTON 🆒 (@yonewt) December 4, 2019
Though I think I’m going to forego the road trip buddies for the time being. I think you’ll understand why.
Thanks, but I can commit my own crimes.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) November 29, 2019
For example, people just leave these out in their yards. Soon, they’ll regret that.
I’ve been collecting succulents & I feel my power growing
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) May 5, 2019
I can’t help but wonder if I put forth enough bold proposals.
People don’t get tarred and feathered enough anymore.
— GodAm (@floor_killer) December 3, 2019
Though I don’t put that much thought into it. I’m a busy man.
No time for breakfast. Just ate three bowls of Cap’n Crunch through a beer bong.
— Herschel Pennymacker (@pennymacker) December 1, 2019
Plus, I only suspended my campaign. There’s still a chance I can make a comeback. There’s also a chance that a snake will fly out of a lightning bolt and bite me.
I’m stuck somewhere between lividity and rigor.
— MaleficentMomMe (@xosm) November 9, 2019
Regardless, it’s not like I’m going to be quiet.
you can trust me to be the arbiter of truth and justice
— Rubsomedirtonit™️ (@_rubdirtonit) November 25, 2019
And there’s still a chance that I can take out one of my rivals in the same manner that they took me out.
I get by with a little help from the feds.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) November 15, 2019
My plan to confront China by stealing their pandas and serving them as food isn’t included in this.
I have a million ideas. All bad.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) November 9, 2019
Because it’s all in how you spin it.
Seems kinda dumb when it’s put that way but that won’t stop us.
— Cat From Nowhe®e (@kv8) November 6, 2019
And I’m being helped by how some of the frontrunners are talking to potential voters.
A charm offensive, but more the latter than the former.
— Bogey (@OneyeBogey) November 5, 2019
But then I remember that while I was born for this, not all were born capable of handling someone like me.
“It takes one to know one”, I think to myself every time I identify another wondrous being of splendour and light.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) November 1, 2019
I also remember that sometimes it’s best to act locally.
My new neighbor just hung a dream catcher in their living room window so I guess this means war
— Böbby Yoda (@Bob_Janke) December 5, 2019
And to never take my eye off the prize.
I speed up when anyone walks next to me because it’s always a race.
— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 5, 2019
For I did put myself in this position. I should’ve never taught that bear how to drive.
One cannot choose another’s petard, it must be your own.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) November 13, 2019
The important thing is that the experience can never be taken away from me.
You can never have too many enemies.
— Vodka TIEM ™ (powered by whiskey) (@VodkaTiem) November 23, 2019
I’m also an option, you know.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) August 13, 2015
Or maybe I should enlist.
I’m looking for a few more soldiers of fortune to join my art history task force.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) November 27, 2019
It’s always nice to hear kind words from my supporters.
May your failures be spectacular and your disasters unmitigated
— Tony™ 🐜🍯 (@tsm560) November 25, 2019
Though since this is about me, I won’t necessarily reciprocate.
I’ve often heard that my biggest flaw is boundless kindness but I’m working on it.
— Cabo🖐🏿 🇺🇸 🍳🔪 (@Shot_Of_Cabo) October 4, 2019
I will, however, retaliate.
Don’t mistake my kindness for someone who won’t take a bat to your headlights.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) March 9, 2016
I could also look into one of the lesser elected offices.
Im so gonna be the senator of deciding stuff better
— Buddawiggi🆙 (@MarkBuckawicki) November 6, 2019
First, I’ll have to don appropriate attire.
Just wait till I put my angry hat and matching shoes on.
— V (@Inferno_V) November 16, 2019
And if it doesn’t work out, I can just say I want to spend more time with my family.
I have been rearranging my home office, and I think I almost have things so that I can have a view of both the good bird feeder AND the pit into which the bog witch throws the trespassers.
— Tippi Hedren Collider (@linanneblack) November 23, 2019
Just in case, I’ll need a new campaign slogan.
A storm is coming, and it’s me bitch.
— ᴍs ᴍᴏғᴇᴛ (@W0nderW0manW0w) December 2, 2019
Also a campaign manager, but you can find those just walking down the street. Maybe they’ll be running. Make sure to avoid whatever agency is pursuing them.
Few sights are as jarring as someone in a hospital gown who is not in a hospital.
— Bob Phillips (@BobTheSuit) December 4, 2019
Though this sounds like more work than I want to do at the moment.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) October 22, 2019
Especially when I ruminate on the fact that I’ll have to go back to pretending to feel people’s pain when I really just want to say this.
Shut the fuck up. There’s nothing wrong with you.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) October 18, 2019
Though sometimes I want to go with this instead.
Awww you’re such a dipshit
— Shasta (@shastamaria) July 31, 2019
Maybe I should just focus on the small victories for the time being. It is made with chocolate stout for extra lathering power.
Bought some bar soap today. Nothing stopping me now.
— M.A.D. Lawyer. (@markadicarlo) December 1, 2019
Then I can lie in wait, patiently, until you least expect me to return.
You know that feeling of impending doom that hits you out of nowhere? That means I’m thinking of you
— ho baby 😉 (@ThisLocalHater) November 28, 2019
Or I can use my success at promoting the average person version of me on social media to become an influencer.
i’ll be resting my sunglasses on TOP of my beanie this year so feel free to find your own look
— post nasal droll (@alldrolledup) November 28, 2019
I mean, you really can’t keep up.
My manufactured whimsy is better than yours.
— Johnny Two Balls (@LooptyBoo) November 25, 2019
Unless you’re dreaming of days past, then maybe whimsy isn’t for you.
Was a time all newborns in this land were given a pair of overalls, the color sepia and a furrowed brow full of hardship and woe as they were pulled into this world
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) December 1, 2019
Sorry, I’m rambling, like that other guy. It seems to be working out for him so I’m borrowing it, which is something he’s also familiar with.
The less sense it makes the more I understand it
— TN Cherry (@OhHell_Cherry) November 29, 2019
I should probably go all in on this.
I think I’m gonna make like David Lee Roth and humala bebuhla zeebuhla boobuhla humala bebuhla zeebuhla bop.
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) November 22, 2019
I could even howl a little.
today, the wolves take back their language
— Tree of Lєαƒ (@Elfhood_) November 14, 2019
Though I’m done being the fall guy, whether for Bushy or anyone.
I’m not responsible for what happens next.
— Any Train (@Anytrain) November 15, 2019
Where was I?
I need a moment to self destruct then I’ll be right with you.
— Tina the Displaced Texan (@TinaLovesTexas) November 19, 2019
Oh yeah, I was issuing challenges.
Sword fighting doesn’t seem like something you would need to practice. I mean how hard could it be?
— Benny ‘Expendable’ Rollins (@citizenkawala) November 19, 2019
And cooking for a potluck.
While I don’t know the exact recipe for disaster, I do know it contains a can of cream of mushroom soup.
— Rock the Kasbah (@MarieLoerzel) November 20, 2019
Also, I’m declaring myself the King of Neptune.
You can be anything you want to be. It’s your delusion.
— Ava (@avainwordland) November 10, 2019
And doing a little light cleaning.
You don’t know what you’ve got until you see the blood on the tire iron that you forgot to get rid of.
— C. A. Guardiola (@C_A_Guardiola) November 2, 2019
Way ahead of you.
Be the cringe you wish to see in the world.
— Elena Christmaswaster Jr. (@elunatyk) December 3, 2019
A nice thing about pretending to be a normal person is not having to pretend to care about punctuality.
Sorry I’m late. I was in a secret meeting with your mom trying to get her to turn on you.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) November 29, 2019
Or worrying about what opposition researchers will discover with regard to my extracurricular activities.
If you leave a tangerine on your desk overnight your work enemies will come in early and inject it with a potion that makes all PowerPoint fonts look the same.
— ES (@ESXIII) February 13, 2018
Also, I have to remember that some of the blame for my failed campaign falls on me.
I have a knack for making people fall completely in love with me and then, soon after, utterly despise me.
It’s a gift.
— rialise (@esilair) October 26, 2019
And that I’m not really good at pretending to be an average person.
life is too short to use a cheap fork.
— The Getaway Girl (@The_GetawayGirl) November 20, 2019
Though I am willing to go to ridiculous lengths to gain support.
I need to see how far I can throw you before I know how much I can trust you.
— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) December 3, 2019
In any case, should I un-suspend my campaign or run again, I know what to do next time.
i don’t know. try being a winner
— fightgeek (@fightgeek) October 30, 2019
And with that, my campaign is officially, officially suspended. But don’t worry. as I said, I have no intention of being quiet. I also have no intention of making sense. Stream of conscious diatribes are my jam, baby. Though this effort failed, despite my being born for it, I really don’t want to have to go back to whatever it is I pretend my day job involves. Also, I still think there’s a major award and a large cash prize for me to pick up from this endeavor.
Though the opposition got me this time, though they analyzed me and surprised me, they didn’t magmatize me. They may still try to sabotage me, but I’m unconventional like a fox and there’s more than one way for me to achieve my goals.
I didn’t solve the Rubik’s Cube in the conventional sense, but I’m living my truth.
— Ricardo ‘Rich’ Cromwell (@rcromwell4) July 21, 2018