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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 130

By: Rich Cromwell
11 min read

If I couldn’t be trusted to prevent a stuffed bear from stealing my car, then how could I be trusted to stop Nicolas Cage from stealing the Constitution?

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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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My magnanimity would prove to be my downfall, though not on that crisp fall day when the family and I were dressed crisply and picking crisp apples. It would happen later, when opposition researchers dug up what Bindi, Fuzzy, and Bushy had been getting into. If I couldn’t be trusted to prevent a stuffed bear from stealing my car, then how could I be trusted to stop Nicolas Cage from stealing the Constitution? The ads were ready made, or at least they would have been had I been enough of a force to warrant negative advertising.

My campaign still doesn’t know how word of the stolen car and other escapades got out, though it’s likely that my ongoing battle with a certain resident of community over his extreme hedges played a factor, as was the fact that the trio got pulled over in front of his house. In my defense, though, his hedges clearly violate the property owner’s association regulations regarding foliage, shrubbery, and other organic lifeforms that occupy the street-side of developed properties.

In any case, the dash cam footage was leaked, word of my family’s more adventurous side got out, and I was left with no choice, one that I’m now ready to relay to you though I made it several weeks ago. Effective immediately, I’m suspending my campaign. And though I am suspending my campaign, I do have an ask for you, which is also known as a request. Let us each continue our commitment to me in whatever capacity we can.

For we’ve prided ourselves on being clear eyed in this campaign. That’s why I’m not exiting with a happy heart. It’s your fault that I’ve got to go back to whatever my day job is.


Or maybe I’ll just continue traveling around the country, standing on tables, and gesticulating wildly. I deserve it.


I should also probably go live on social media showcasing how I’m still doing normal people things.


Though I think I’m going to forego the road trip buddies for the time being. I think you’ll understand why.


For example, people just leave these out in their yards. Soon, they’ll regret that.


I can’t help but wonder if I put forth enough bold proposals.


Though I don’t put that much thought into it. I’m a busy man.


Plus, I only suspended my campaign. There’s still a chance I can make a comeback. There’s also a chance that a snake will fly out of a lightning bolt and bite me.


Regardless, it’s not like I’m going to be quiet.


And there’s still a chance that I can take out one of my rivals in the same manner that they took me out.


My plan to confront China by stealing their pandas and serving them as food isn’t included in this.


Because it’s all in how you spin it.


And I’m being helped by how some of the frontrunners are talking to potential voters.


But then I remember that while I was born for this, not all were born capable of handling someone like me.


I also remember that sometimes it’s best to act locally.


And to never take my eye off the prize.


For I did put myself in this position. I should’ve never taught that bear how to drive.


The important thing is that the experience can never be taken away from me.


I’m also an option, you know.


Or maybe I should enlist.


It’s always nice to hear kind words from my supporters.


Though since this is about me, I won’t necessarily reciprocate.


I will, however, retaliate.


I could also look into one of the lesser elected offices.


First, I’ll have to don appropriate attire.


And if it doesn’t work out, I can just say I want to spend more time with my family.


Just in case, I’ll need a new campaign slogan.


Also a campaign manager, but you can find those just walking down the street. Maybe they’ll be running. Make sure to avoid whatever agency is pursuing them.


Though this sounds like more work than I want to do at the moment.


Especially when I ruminate on the fact that I’ll have to go back to pretending to feel people’s pain when I really just want to say this.


Though sometimes I want to go with this instead.


Maybe I should just focus on the small victories for the time being. It is made with chocolate stout for extra lathering power.


Then I can lie in wait, patiently, until you least expect me to return.


Or I can use my success at promoting the average person version of me on social media to become an influencer.


I mean, you really can’t keep up.


Unless you’re dreaming of days past, then maybe whimsy isn’t for you.


Sorry, I’m rambling, like that other guy. It seems to be working out for him so I’m borrowing it, which is something he’s also familiar with.


I should probably go all in on this.


I could even howl a little.


Though I’m done being the fall guy, whether for Bushy or anyone.


Where was I?


Oh yeah, I was issuing challenges.


And cooking for a potluck.


Also, I’m declaring myself the King of Neptune.


And doing a little light cleaning.


Way ahead of you.


A nice thing about pretending to be a normal person is not having to pretend to care about punctuality.


Or worrying about what opposition researchers will discover with regard to my extracurricular activities.


Also, I have to remember that some of the blame for my failed campaign falls on me.


And that I’m not really good at pretending to be an average person.


Though I am willing to go to ridiculous lengths to gain support.


In any case, should I un-suspend my campaign or run again, I know what to do next time.


And with that, my campaign is officially, officially suspended. But don’t worry. as I said, I have no intention of being quiet. I also have no intention of making sense. Stream of conscious diatribes are my jam, baby. Though this effort failed, despite my being born for it, I really don’t want to have to go back to whatever it is I pretend my day job involves. Also, I still think there’s a major award and a large cash prize for me to pick up from this endeavor.

Though the opposition got me this time, though they analyzed me and surprised me, they didn’t magmatize me. They may still try to sabotage me, but I’m unconventional like a fox and there’s more than one way for me to achieve my goals.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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