The new Tool album us not just any album: it’s one that places demands on the listener. It’s an album we can wear out listen to on repeat, and come back to.

He swept his right arm across hall, looked me in the eye, and said three little words that every benevolent ruler wants to hear: ‘We’re commanding them.’

The Washington Post is one of the world’s most destructive newspapers. Their attack on man’s best friend proves it.

‘You’re not allowed to own a bazooka, you can’t own a flamethrower,’ says Democrat Joe Biden. False. Flamethrowers are legal, and they’re spectacular.

Blade’s sword-wielding, crime-fighting ways — and the progression of the trilogy itself — gave us all the opportunity to learn the name Thanos.

Running as a ‘legitimate’ candidate‒a true man of the people‒is a marathon, not a sprint.

Pardon me, gentle voters, but ¿Donde está la biblioteca?

It took three tries to make it all the way through this scintillating look at Robert Francis O’Rourke’s love of the f-word and Whataburger.

Sure, I’ve probably got grassroots support, but I’m not in it for support. I’m in it for my own personal gain.

Hunt’s, the company known for making tomato products, has officially apologized for assuming the sex of its canned sloppy Joe mix.

In 2020, you have a choice. You can go for those who want to play Johnny Appleseed or you can go for those who have your ability to breathe freely in mind.

Bell’s shenanigans were downright anodyne and something that should have been laughed off, but apparently if there’s one thing a true warrior can’t handle, it’s aromatherapy.

If you’re looking for a ‘legitimate’ candidate for president, I’m an option.

The year was 1986. That’s when the early signs of a revolution emerged in the form of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Only one can rock a turtleneck, win six Super Bowls, and beclown Roger Goodell with ease. And he shall have no equals.

When it comes to making the perfect quiche, you’ll need a few things. An apron. A windbreaker. A gas leak. Don’t worry about the fact that the list doesn’t make sense yet. It will.

Work requirements for able-bodied adults have immense potential to lift low-income families up and help them break the cycle of dependency.

The Alabama Crimson Tide’s Nick Saban will coach another championship team, so long as it’s not in the NFL.

‘You say it’s your birthday? It’s my birthday, too.’

It would be better if he didn’t want to wish us a Merry Christmas. Points for not successfully making the War on Christmas a real thing even if he’s really, really trying to?