Sam took a long drink from his longneck, savoring the plainness of it. It was like a glass of iced tea, unadulterated with sugar or any other such accompaniments. This wasn’t an Arnold Palmer or a John Daly, just an iced tea. Except it was a root beer, which is equally unpretentious. That’s not important right now.
The important thing is we’re talking about an influencer, one for whom every long drink from that longneck is a signal. The downward-facing dog of signaling, of influence. Not that Sam was much interested in yoga, though he did like dogs. Regardless, when he sipped his root beer, it inspired others to crack a cold one for themselves. We’re talking the good stuff, the small-batch root beers, careful crafted and bottled with the finest modern machinery.
Not that Sam cared, other than he sometimes got free root beer thanks to his influence. No, he was more interested in reclining, in getting in touch with his spirit animal. His spirit animal was the sloth, in case you couldn’t guess. There was also the package of Sweet Tarts on the table next to him. Those were pretty interesting in that they were both sweet and tart. It was an amazing combination.
There was but one problem, a persistent one. No matter how much he reclined, no matter how much he settled in, there were always devils about. Lurking. Watching. Waiting.
What’s good for the goose is not your concern. Always the geese with you. It’s weird is what it is.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) May 25, 2017
Those devils were always worthy of scorn.
Uniting people in loathing is still uniting people.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) November 17, 2017
Nobody was listening to Sam, but he didn’t let that stop him.
Listen, I care but don’t have the time or energy to become emotionally invested. Can’t you find a better friend to talk to?
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) January 22, 2018
Besides, this was his rep.
Last night my friend introduced me by saying, “She likes to make people uncomfortable,” and I finally feel understood.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) January 14, 2018
And it was a solid rep.
Am I an Internet Influencer yet?
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) January 23, 2018
His ideas weren’t consequence-free.
With my brains and your beauty we could be dead or in jail by this afternoon.
— em jazz hand cats (@EmiAirHeart) January 23, 2018
Though they were brilliant.
Rampaging with axes through the library with a gang of her closest girlfriends was mom’s last wish, Officer. Come on.
— Wondering (@stillwondering1) January 25, 2018
First, he needed to procure some monies.
Do you or someone you love want to be a writer? Here at Fountain Pen Farms, we can help. We teach aspiring writers rudimentary job skills to help them transition into society. Our realistic cubicle simulation teaches mundane tasks such as accounting and awaiting death.
— Mythic Picnic (@MythicPicnic) January 24, 2018
Fortunately, he had an idea. His audience was less than receptive.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
— Damon Hunzeker (@DamonHunzeker) July 12, 2013
Except for one, mostly.
Kinda hope this accelerating descent has a trampoline at the bottom. Then again, kinda don’t care.
— Any Train (@Anytrain) January 5, 2018
Alas, it was that kind of party. Things quickly went awry.
one time my dad brought home a ‘forest dog’ who proceeded to eat several family members before we finally put it up for adoption
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) January 5, 2018
Like really awry.
Later, when they ask you how you did it, shrug, and whisper nothing in their ears. If they insist by pointing to your chest cavity, simply nod yes.
— Tree of Lєαƒ (@Elfhood_) December 13, 2017
Then a transitional character offered a transition, and the chance for a clean start.
I bet this guy with the Dinosaur Jr. t-shirt knows where the laundromat is.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) April 29, 2016
If not one free of obstacles.
You have made a very powerfu–
Ok, fine, whatever.
You have made a very petty enemy in me, pal.— A M A N D A C O N D A with the G O O D B U N S😍 (@mommywhitfield) December 28, 2017
I think he meant Dianetics.
Of course your’e lost. You don’t understand dialectics.
— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) December 23, 2017
The interruptions didn’t stop there.
We thank you for your viewership! And now, during this brief commercial break, we ask that you please take a moment to enjoy a word from our sponsors.
— {rialise} (@_RiALiSE_) January 2, 2018
Sam was at his limit.
There’s a breaking point.
Reach it.
— V (@Inferno_V) February 24, 2017
Not just because he was sporting a jaunty sweater and facing this.
All the woman in my family have killed a man for cashmere. I will not hesitate.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) November 23, 2017
He was also armed with a secret weapon.
i’m a lot like poe. from baltimore, scared of birds, makes up words, haunts old buildings, etc
— sarah (@girlnarly) January 2, 2018
Not that he didn’t have weaknesses.
If you don’t know who my favorite serial killer is, did you ever really know me at all?
— faungirl (@faungirl123) January 24, 2018
Including easily surmountable weaknesses, but some things are just too horrible to stand.
I spilled a bottle of Fabuloso, now everyone wants to kill me.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) January 8, 2018
Step One: Get some Fabuloso. You can clean with it, plus the smell will keep everyone away from the crime scene.
The dying art of getting away with murder.
— Lazor (@lorig2828) January 15, 2018
Increase the potential for annihilation by arming her with a certain cleaning product.
I judge women like earthquakes…
She’s 5.0 on the Richter scale but even more destructive when she’s closer to home.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 22, 2018
Sam realized the situation was approaching a 10 on the Richter scale.
My seething hatred is organic and I grow it all myself
— ellie (@_e11ie) January 18, 2018
He headed to the crossroads, rhetorically speaking. What he found there shocked him.
All those years of violin lessons never even prepared me to face off with the devil.
— RoyalTramp (@theroyaltramp) January 13, 2018
This seemed like a better idea than a banjo duel with Beelzebub, though the outcome would likely be the same. In either case, at least there was no winged sky trash around.
Who’s wants to join me for a good old-fashioned murder-suicide pact?
Lunch is on me afterwards.— Myrrh (@ixix82) January 13, 2018
These little fellows were, though, and that was okay if an unexpected addition to his living room.
Him: Why do you like to feed ducks so much?
Me: (flashback to my dream when I only got into Heaven because God was a duck) It calms me.— Dorky Romano (@SuperApple80) January 14, 2018
Sam heard a noise. He rubbed his temples and thought, “Not again.”
Russian election bots just knocked over my garbage cans
— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) January 24, 2018
He also wondered what other nefarious schemes were afoot.
I wonder what shit they’re talking about me on the dark web
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) June 16, 2017
Such ruminations gave him reason to pause and reflect on his youth and how much more laughter there was back then.
What kids today don’t realize is that the entire 1970s was filmed before a live studio audience.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) January 15, 2018
He wasn’t sure how to feel about it. At least, he wasn’t telling anyone how he felt about it.
How am I? I’m nonplussed. What exactly I mean by that, well, I’ll let you decide
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) January 20, 2018
There was also the fact that no one was attending his free seminars. It was very disappointing, especially given the sonorous tone of his voice.
None of you ever come to me for advice and it’s starting to hurt my feelings tbh
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) January 17, 2018
A strange character with a neck tattoo wandered in. Sam decided reclining took precedence over fighting it, but he did have words for the stranger.
Stay, but don’t touch any of the good stuff.
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) January 2, 2018
The stranger was making a bold fashion statement. Interesting is a better word than bold, to be honest.
I’m bringing sexy back one cat sweater at a time
— Just a Chloe (@CArmanthegirl) December 9, 2017
And making bold, or interesting, statements as well.
I’ve never closed a ziploc bag correctly on the first try and I’m still worthy of love.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) December 29, 2017
Though there was room for improvement. Maybe for devolvement.
can you be just a little crazier i’m not quite interested yet.
— The Getaway Girl (@The_GetawayGirl) January 6, 2018
Sam decided he’d had enough and that it was time for the stranger to leave. She didn’t go quietly.
And just so you know, I have
been escorted off much better premises than this one.— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) January 17, 2018
Besides, there was a nature show coming on and he wanted to devote his full attention to it.
Finally, werewolves are being reintroduced to Yellowstone.
— Duchess Goldblatt (@duchessgoldblat) January 18, 2018
Except he soon realized the show was on the History Channel.
Everyone knows sasquatches and the Illuminati are allies. Everyone.
— J™ (@CommonSavant) January 20, 2018
When the dialogue went in this direction, he turned off the television. Bigfoot most definitely never rode along on the Mystery Machine.
I would have gotten away with it too if not for that meddling Boston Terrier who was a surprisingly fast digger
— Smart Alyx (@smart_alyx) January 4, 2018
He needed to save his strength anyway, for tomorrow was a new day.
“Sure hope there’s something to get enraged about tomorrow!” – almost everyone
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) January 25, 2018
One with new goals, besides the being outraged thing.
This whole you not being completely obsessed with me thing is getting old
— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) January 13, 2018
Oh, and continuing to try and solve this mystery, albeit sans a Mystery Machine.
99 Luftballons is the only song I’ve listened to for the last 30 years and I don’t feel any closer to understanding its meaning.
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) January 24, 2018
The television turned itself back on. The History Channel was still at it, but at least it had moved on to more plausible theories.
Sparkle is power. I mean, it’s been 78 years and no one is even talking about how Dorothy was wearing socks with high heels.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) January 22, 2018
Or maybe not so plausible theories.
Outside smells like the hot interior of an ’80’s GM car, must be the chemtrails.
— Silverballs McGinty🎄(writer) (@IronballsMcGinT) January 24, 2018
Sam yelled at the television, as was his wont, and turned it off again. He shook his fist for good measure.
you’ve got enough problems without me adding to them for you, I’d bury you alive, sweetie
— now what (@jaimiealley) January 24, 2018
From there, he ambled off toward bed, trying to remember if he’d left the house that day. He couldn’t remember and decided he didn’t care. It was his style.
you might remember this outfit from hits like I Thought You Wore That Yesterday or cult classic Did You Sleep in That?
— bombsy (@bombsydoll) January 19, 2018
As Sam entered the bedroom, he found he wasn’t alone. A woman sat in the corner, eating a bowl of Boo Berry, an Exacto knife in her lap. He realized maybe he should have broadened his categories of fear to include more than just devil birds.
Fortunately, she wasn’t after him, though she did have an offer. It was time for a road trip, maybe some light jobs providing muscle. There was also the possibility of assassinations. Fortunately, there were always plausible explanations for those.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) January 22, 2018
