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Have We Considered Arming Ukraine With Haitian Cannibals?

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President Joe Biden can solve the migrant crisis and bring peace to Ukraine in one fell swoop, solidifying his place in the annals of history as America’s greatest president. He will have to get a little creative, but accomplishing this is surprisingly achievable and aligns with his priorities.

The war in Ukraine rages on. As does the invasion at our southern border and the broader illegal immigration crisis. Biden’s handling of both has left him politically vulnerable and threatens his reelection. The latter will now only grow worse, with Haiti descending further and further into chaos as heavily armed street gangs allegedly led by cannibal warlords run amok. Some red states are already preparing for the inevitable influx of Haitian refugees.

America’s military resources are running low, and inflation is out of control. Sending more government cheese to Ukraine is unwise, albeit inevitable. After all, Biden is committed to supporting the Sisyphusian Ukrainian war effort until Zelensky declares victory. On this, he is resolute and uncompromising.

And, indeed, compromise is unnecessary, but so is sending money and guns. 

Biden routinely praises Ukraine as a bastion of democracy and freedom. And we’re led to believe one of the main reasons people continue to disregard our immigration laws and enter the country is because they are seeking political refuge. Fighting-age men riot at the Texan border, brandishing knives and makeshift shivs at the National Guard because they desperately want to live in a democratic nation, so the narrative goes. 

Other than obesity and porn addiction, the only thing the U.S. really has an abundance of is members of the huddled masses yearning to kill me and rape you celebrate and participate in our democratic republic.

Polling indicates Biden’s immigration policies are sinking his candidacy, but his administration is just as ideologically committed to ensuring a chicken in every pot and a ballot in every hand of the unassimilable mob of fighting-age men crossing the border as it is to providing Ukraine with munitions.

So why not split the baby and arm Ukraine to the teeth with violent migrant hordes who will stop at nothing to live under democratic rule? Maybe the silver lining is that out of the chaos, Biden can help form a coalition between the Haitian gangs and migrant caravans that guarantee Ukraine’s victory.

“We’ll fight [] until the last drop of blood, we’ll fight until he resigns. I am ready to make an alliance with the devil, ready to sleep in the same bed as the devil,” Haitian warlord Jimmy Cherizier (alias Barbecue) recently told The Associated Press. Cicero couldn’t put it better if he tried.

The Barbecue Battalion could take a bite out of Putin’s forces and finally change the conflict’s trajectory.

Instead of admitting Islamic terrorists Middle Eastern religious scholars into the U.S. — where they hope to make bombs sell Khlav Kalash — why not send them to Ukraine? This seems like a no-brainer.

If we are truly committed to protecting democracy around the globe, the president must consider exhausting every option available to him. The more than 10 million illegal border crossers democracy lovers — thousands of whom rape and kill with impunity patiently wait for their turn to vote — would provide Ukraine with desperately needed reinforcements to further “strengthen democracy’s arsenal.”

All that really matters, anyway, is whether global democracy is saved and whether the people attempting to enter the U.S. get to enjoy it. Fighting for Ukraine is just one potential path to democracy that happens to be far, far away from here.


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