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Congress Passes Ban On Discrimination Against Americans With No Abilities

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Image CreditAFGE / Flickr / CC by 2.0, cropped

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress has passed sweeping legislation to provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major advance by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any marketable skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-N.Y., a bill co-sponsor. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers simply because they perform competently or have some idea of what they are doing.”

“There are only so many seats in the House and Senate,” she continued, “and those are taken by our nation’s most incompetent people. But millions of unskilled Americans still yearn to have a meaningless role in our society.”

The representative pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing jobs without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack basic job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68 percent), and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65 percent). Departments of motor vehicles also have an enviable record of hiring Persons of Inability (82 percent), as does the fast food industry (93 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle management” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, providing an illusory sense of purpose and value for the participants. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be awarded to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable citizens.

The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in useless positions and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA bill contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning probing interview questions such as “What are your goals for the future?” or “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”

Extremely high-paid, no-show jobs such as Ukrainian energy consultancies will now be filled by people who have no experience whatsoever in the core business practices of the firm. That won’t be a hindrance since they’re not going to show up anyway.

These early successes suggest the new program will allow couch potatoes to enjoy the bounty previously available only to the reliable, hard-working members of the community.

Presidential sidepiece Kamala Harris added her support to the bill’s passage on the popular MSNBC show “Repeat After Us”: “People with no skills are skill-less, and without skills you don’t have abilities, or the ability to get skills — or abilities, and I think this Venn Diagram, which I love because it has circles, clearly shows, right here in the center, that lack of abilities and skills, along with a lack of ambition, and this bill, can get you to the White House. On a short yellow school bus.”

With the passage of this bill, Harris and millions of other untalented slugs and layabouts can finally see a light at the end of the dark tunnel of nonperformance, and realize their dreams of becoming trans TikTok celebrities.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren, D-Mass., added, “It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation. As a non-abled person myself, I have had impressive career success thanks to the proactive hiring practices of institutions such as Harvard University and the United States government.”

Predictably, the bill was opposed by minority-hating Republicans, who cited the quaint, archaic notion of merit-based success. Yet they decided to use no political capital to oppose the further destruction of the American dream.

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