It came to me in a dream. No, scratch that. It came to me in a hallucinatory state. As the skies melted and the smell of patchouli and Red Stripe enveloped me, I forgot where I was. Then I remembered. It was a parking lot and it was time to go inside and stand with the crowd. I was a true man of the people, standing amongst them, sharing a cosmic moment. There’s a chance that part was also a hallucination, but it doesn’t matter, for a revelation came to me.
Although I was a man of the people, I was not meant to stand amongst them, smelling their foul alternatives to deodorant. I was to be something more. It was when my friend grabbed me and told me to turn around, to look at the mass of people standing behind us that it hit me.
He swept his right arm across hall, looked me in the eye, and said those three little words that every aspiring despot benevolent ruler wants to hear: “We’re commanding them.”
There was no denying the veracity of his statement. I was born to be in it. I just had to bide my time and wait, devising nefarious schemes and overly complicated plots for when the time came. Well, the time is now and I’m here to serve you, to help you help me. The challenges we face are not the greatest in living memory, like it’s not even close. As such, one person can easily meet them on his own, especially if that person is me.
Let’s do this, America. I’m gonna be the best commander you’ve ever seen, and it’s going to be funky. On this, you have my word.
Suspend Parliament? Fine. But for the love of God, leave Funkadelic alone.
— RunwayDan (@RunwayDan) August 28, 2019
I also promise a return to normalcy.
I'm basically one big red flag so don't blame me for your disappointment. All the signs are there and you ignored them.
— CandyPants™ (@suzieQ0007) August 18, 2019
It’s true I’ve had my missteps.
sometimes after i’ve started a huge forest fire i think to myself, haha, this looked better on paper
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) August 18, 2019
And a few scandals, though I can explain.
This hired escort is not what you think. I just pay her to listen to my conspiracy theories.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) August 21, 2019
As to some threats, I’m not sure I’ve been doing a good enough job to match them with the urgency and clarity that they deserve.
I have always had a strict, no stealing policy but I’m going to loot in any apocalypse situation. I want to enjoy the end of civilization.
— Jennifer Slopez (@JennSlowpez) August 20, 2019
There’s also the fact that the rubber chicken circuit requires me to be less than authentic.
How can I be myself when I have to wear a polo?
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) August 15, 2019
I mean seriously. The societal conventions I must adhere to in the run-up to the convention can be brutal.
Why should I wear pants just to make YOU comfortable?
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) August 8, 2019
While I promise to keep it funky, I also promise to reach out to all voters, including those who love bluegrass.
Banjos, because backwoods death needs a soundtrack too.
— stace (@girl_a_whirl) August 2, 2019
What if I told you there were a rally you could attend instead? It will also include a plea for money, but without the confines of buying something with said money. It’s really a better way to spend your time and also your money.
Ever been so depressed that you attend a real estate seminar just to feel alive?
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) August 12, 2019
Much like someone who just turned 30 in “Logan’s Run,” I was made for this.
You guys can trust me I do this for a living
— Tony™ 🐜🍯 (@tsm560) August 11, 2019
But also, stop thinking about yourselves. That’s not how this iteration of teamwork works.
This is supposed to be about me come on guys stay focused
— Svenn Amish (@amishschool) August 10, 2019
Okay, sorry. Please forgive that momentary lapse of reason in which I decided to tell the truth.
sorry, i fell under my own spell there for a minute
— Your Gilded Lily (@ahatonahat) August 10, 2019
Doing things like speaking the truth, and not my poll numbers, are why I had to restart this campaign. I’ve learned, though, and hired a new campaign manager.
My life coach, a rabid raccoon I see at the dump occasionally, says I have a lot of things I need to work on.
— Minister of Loneliness (@_steamy_mac) August 3, 2019
Though I’m not sure my new manager, Rocket II, is all that. For example, he cautioned me against admitting this.
Not enough people fear me, I should do something about that.
— Bogey (@OneyeBogey) August 6, 2019
He also cautioned against saying this, but I’m keeping it real. This isn’t about the playbook, it’s about authenticity. Heavily scripted authenticity.
you may have heard rumors about me but I guarantee the truth is worse
— mink. (@minkpinkustink) August 4, 2019
But also risk-taking.
Oh, that? It's the Sword of Damocles. I'm trying to ignore it, if you don't mind.
— JEFF NEWTON (@yonewt) October 29, 2016
And fancy plans.
Whenever I order a French roast coffee my next plan of action is to invade Egypt.
— Matt (@Stap_Jr) August 2, 2019
With pants to match.
Please don’t interrupt me while I’m plotting your demise.
— Fickle_Filly (@Fickle_Filly) July 24, 2019
I am able to stay on-message when the situation calls for it. I may not always have a Teleprompter, but don’t worry, I have a back-up plan.
Don't worry; I have a laminated list of cliches for every occasion.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) July 30, 2019
And an ability to play the crowd.
My brain has received the message and will soon relay it to my face.
— Type O-Meg (@MegHieronymus) July 26, 2019
Plus I’m just like you.
[cleverly relatable platitude]
— Buddawiggi (@MarkBuckawicki) August 27, 2019
Even as I know in my soul that I’m better than you.
Today I’m attempting to post only positive things with minimal sarcasm. See you tomorrow.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 6, 2019
But, if you vote for me, I can get you on my level.
*uses the phrase “vision quest” nine times during interview at Dollar Tree*
— Bob Phillips (@BobTheSuit) August 29, 2019
I can also get on your level, assuming it’s meandering jam band, funk, bluegrass, or tunes from the greatest decade.
Today was rough. The bangles know what I mean.
— Pasta Fazool (@chrisdowning) August 13, 2019
Some modern pop is also acceptable.
I challenge Justin Bieber to a spelling bee.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) June 10, 2019
Just don’t ask me to stay up too late, like until 3am.
Oh I can rock steady, babe. I just can't rock it till the break of dawn anymore.
— Johnny Two Balls (@LooptyBoo) August 6, 2019
Because the thing is…
I [pupils dilate] you.
— Tippi Hedren Collider (@linanneblack) August 16, 2019
And I’m down with all things ‘80s, aka the Golden Era.
Every so often the theme song to 'Mr. Belvedere' pops into my head and I like to just relax and enjoy it
— Cuntagious (@allyneedy) August 28, 2019
I’m against whoever is causing those and will mobilize the garbage men of America to fight them.
Don't give up, you'll find someone you can blame for all your problems.
— Playboi Curtis (@catfishsexbot) August 27, 2019
Again, though, I’m better than you, so get in line.
Only harlots play to the mob, you plebian swine.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) July 23, 2019
Like, seriously, if you want representation, you need to earn it.
If I die choking on a Triscuit please know that I’ve always thought your cuticles were abnormal
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) August 28, 2019
So far, you’ve fit about 20 pounds of bullshit in a 10 pound bag but please, knock yourself out.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) August 27, 2019
Though on the other hand.
I'd fight Billy Joel
— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) August 29, 2019
Have I mentioned I’m a man of the people?
Can someone please point me to the sick underbelly of society?
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) August 12, 2019
Challenge accepted, other man of the people.
The cut of your jib is inadequate and nobody likes it.
— richie (@theregoesrichie) August 22, 2019
Because we speak American here.
Tell me to mise en place one more time, bucko. You gonna reap the whirlwind.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) August 17, 2019
Though if need be, I can take the form of my nemesis.
I identify as an irate bird.
— heather lou* stark (@heatherlou_) August 16, 2019
As the situation often requires such shapeshifting to be necessary.
I just hope I annoy people as much as they annoy me.
— Shasta (@shastamaria) March 12, 2019
And to remind you that you’ve been impotent in the face of disaster.
I like when you are uncomfortable.
— Wondering (@stillwondering1) July 11, 2019
But also to remind you that I do have a track record of victory.
I was voted, "most likely to interfere with a corpse," in high school.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) July 29, 2019
Also to remind you what the White House needs.
I am just one disco ball away from luxuriating in a room with a disco ball in it.
— Elena Lifewaster Jr. (@elunatyk) August 12, 2019
And what America needs.
What the world needs now is for Debbie Gibson & Tiffany to team up one more time to defeat an accidentally unleashed prehistoric terror from the deep.
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) August 10, 2019
Though I’m not afraid to take difficult positions.
I use military time for spite mostly.
— Cabo 🇺🇸 🍳 (@Shot_Of_Cabo) August 21, 2019
Will it be hard work? Yes. Am I prepared for that? You have no idea.
I don’t flirt with disaster. I stalk it.
— Any Train (@Anytrain) August 4, 2019
Because I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty, especially if there’s a roadside sign involved.
no it's all cool i just adopted a highway
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) August 7, 2019
I will wash my hands, though.
Just wiping off my fingerprints and rehearsing my 911 call.
— Sooz®️ (@CruisinSoozan) August 18, 2019
Still unconvinced? There’s more!
Please allow me to horrify you further.
— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) August 27, 2019
Because I will not kowtow.
It's never too late to start refusing to cooperate.
— кєℓℓαℓєηα (@topaz_kell) August 7, 2019
I really won’t kowtow.
I ALMOST listened to The Eagles today.
That was a close call.
— Benny Rollins (@citizenkawala) August 28, 2019
And I’ll make sure not to be around too much.
I am irresistible
in small doses.
The rest of the time, I am
— rialise (@esilair) August 15, 2019
For nothing matters. (Secondary slogan: Eat Arby’s.)
Technically it's still winning even if the contest is for most pathetic.
— Cat From Nowhe®e (@kv8) August 29, 2019
Well, some things matter.
My enemies list this morning:
Slow sports cars
— ES (@ESXIII) August 24, 2019
Like the art of the burn.
I'm not mocking you unless you need it
— Recovering Soy Boy (@Fredzipfel) July 16, 2019
And my dedication to running. Always running, faster and faster, like someone in “Logan’s Run” who just turned 30.
If anything happens to me, my last thoughts will be of you. Likely, there’ll also be screaming and running, but the thoughts…all you.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) August 25, 2019
But prepared-like, as is my wont.
Pack my groceries in a brown paper bag, I'm going on an adventure.
— V (@Inferno_V) August 4, 2019
Things were looking bleak, emphasis on “were.” Now, though, things are still looking bleak, but I persist. For I know very clearly what it is that I have to do, and the urgency with which I feel it, to quote my muse. On the other hand, even if this restart doesn’t pan out, we’ve established that I’m an opportunist. As such, there will always be perks.
The case my 4-year-old is making for stealing all the towels from this hotel room is surprisingly persuasive.
— Ricardo 'Rich' Cromwell (@rcromwell4) January 7, 2017