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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 122

If you’re looking for a ‘legitimate’ candidate for president, I’m an option.


My friends, we are facing dark days. Not only have we failed to evolve into a monolithic hive mind of unisex-jumpsuit-wearing clones, there are still men who insist on not weighing the same as a duck. Geese invade our great country and freely roam our lands, freeloading off the elderly and children in our nations great parks and areas with water features.

Fret not, for hope is not lost. No, there is hope aplenty, springing in some fashion. For it is also spring and there is reason to have a spring in our steps. I have some wild gesticulations to prove it.

With a little optimism, a few wicked kick flips (one landed), and a boatload of cash, we can truly realize our potential. And by “our,” I mean mine. In days like these, our nation needs someone to pour its hope, optimism, and cash into. Mainly, cash, but the other two are fairly important.

That’s why I’m excited to join the other 768 currently declared candidates in the race for 2020. Ricardo “Rich” Cromwell 2020: I’m One of the Choices.

The first thing I’ll need to do is show I’m a man of the people. I’m up to that task.

I promise not to be a normal politician, whatever that means at this point.

Though I’ll probably still need a campaign manager. Time to think outside the box and in a bucket, back to the good ole roaster days.

We’ve become accustomed to wild plans that will never materialize, so allow me to take it a step further. As your president, I will unequivocally make certain promises with regard to wild plans.

Ummm, claim? Allow me to dazzle you with an extended guitar solo in which I’ll riff on a scale I kind of know.

I know this won’t be easy. My friends, we’ll (I’ll) face many adversaries. We (you) need to be prepared. Mainly by keeping the cash flowing.

If there’s one thing I might be consistent on, it’s that I will either disagree with you or agree with you in an unsatisfying way.

That’s why I also promise that any and all necessary retribution will be swift.

And followed by more optimism and whatnot.

Vagaries are just part of it. Don’t let that dampen your hope, but fuel it. Science.

Because, like I said, dark days.

Unlike the halcyon days of yore, when we knew how to settle our disagreements.

At the same time, we have to be forward thinking and appeal to the youth, not just with wicked kick flips (still only one landed), but also with dope slang.

Another thing I promise is a focus on education, which is something that no other presidential candidates ever do. However, mine is uniquely similar in that I am also now aware of the need for skilled trades. Fortunately, I have a plan.

You may ask yourself if I’m “qualified” for the job. Let me state, also unequivocally, that I’m a totally “legitimate” candidate for president of the United States.

As such, I’ll need a campaign slogan. My campaign manager, “Kenny,” may disapprove, but I’m pulling rank on this one.

When it comes to the issues, I will only focus on the most important ones.

My presidency will be marked by a whiff of Teddy Roosevelt with a focus on nurturing relationships between us (me) and our allies.

I understand the importance of new media.

Like, no one better understands it than me.

I’ll hold the media to the same standards.

Because when realizing my own potential, I have a platform.

Most candidates settle on a campaign song. I won’t stop there. I’m going for a campaign catalog.

Also, most candidates display a pretty poor understanding of civics. On that front, I promise continuity.

And also constant improvement.

Especially since we’re facing those aforementioned dark days of yore, which are not to be confused with the halcyon days of yore.

I may be a man of the people, but I will remind you that I’m better than you when it comes to selecting the White House chef.

Also, the path ahead won’t be easy. I will have to vanquish some people. Let’s vanquish them together.

This is an excellent question. Allow me to offer a response to an entirely different one that I like better.

For example, this response is pretty much all-purpose.

My friends, I know campaigning will be tough, grueling, and other synonyms. I promise it won’t permanently change me.

I should probably have a backup plan, though. Anyone know anything about this option? (Looking at you, “Kenny.”)

I only said there would be a whiff of Teddy. Wild gesticulations and speaking softly don’t exactly go together.

When it comes to missiles, you don’t have to worry. Lesser technology, though, well, we need a new budget-friendly space program. But one that stays closer to earth.

Speaking of dark days, there’s the rubber chicken circuit, which is its own circle of Hell, but there’s another circle and circuit. This one is known for its liberal use of Campbell’s cream soups.

And when you go to a potluck, you will face some adversaries.

Don’t worry, though, as always, I remain prepared.

I’ll also need to think about what I wear on the campaign trail. “Kenny,” what do you think about this?

While I may be a southern gentleman, I have my limits.

Sir, I will add this to my platform, which is extremely sturdy and not at all malleable.

Madam, I have a commission in mind that can address just this concern. I may be in it for me, but I’m also in it for you so long as it doesn’t require much work.

You may be wondering if I’ll deliver on even a fraction of my promises. I as an atypical politician, I have an answer for you.

So, “Kenny,” what you’re saying is I should travel with a hologram? I like where this is going, even if it’s a little Krieger-esque.

Because given how given I am to dueling, I probably need an apparition with an alibi so as to maintain plausible deniability. Also, I could probably program it to actually land a sick kick flip.

As your president, I promise I will do many, many things that you will approve of and none that you disapprove of, unless you’re wrong. This may or may not be in line with the responsibilities afforded me by the Constitution, but that thing is pretty old. The important thing is that you donate, vote, and donate. Mostly money, but maybe some of your time, too.

Together, we can reclaim hope, optimism, our full potential, as well as usher in the return of Tangy Taffy. Please note that our full potentials may differ, but if you have ever dreamed of being referred to as an accomplice, then I’ve got you covered. Ricardo 2020: This Time, It’s “Legitimate.”