The element awoke, unsure of what was going on. The bystanders scattered from their perches, those who had been gifted with mutant powers by the blast unaware of the changes taking place inside them.
Dandelion fuzz danced in the wind. The chosen few who had witnessed the event attempted to salvage their ears, ringing as though they’d been assaulted with the piercing howls of angry and vocal monkeys. A man with a white afro stood alongside the crowd, frowning.
Though his creation had succeeded, it was also to have lasting repercussions, ones that existed on an atomic scale. As the element stumbled around amongst the dust bunnies, struggling to find his place as the 99th, a voice cut through the silence. It uttered a single phrase.
“You shall know me, for my name is Richard.”
Yes, I know I'm a dick. Next question.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) May 3, 2017
Though the element was new, and a synthetic element, he was determined to languish.
Stay stagnant, it's all the rage.
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) May 3, 2017
But he wasn’t to languish that much.
[power-walks through neighborhood wearing an old school, puffy Adidas tracksuit while shouting the German lyrics to Nena's "99 Luftballons"]
— Some call me RZA (@jrza206) April 27, 2017
For the prophesy was soon to be realized.
I'm just gonna start showing up on people's vacations soon.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) April 22, 2017
So the element set forth, placing wheels on the ground.
Sorry baby the sun is setting the road is calling and the carnival is leaving with or without me you knew what you were getting into
— Böb Your Pal Jänke (@Bob_Janke) May 3, 2017
But not without doing necessary testing first.
Formulate a hypothesis.
Ｐｌｅｄｇｅ ｅｔｅｒｎａｌ ａｌｌｅｇｉａｎｃｅ ｔｏ ｄａｒｋ ｌｏｒｄ.
— LosLosX (@LnL245) May 2, 2017
Periodic elements never die.
When I die I hope no one is all like, 'RIP' because I plan on haunting the fuck out of some people
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) December 9, 2016
99 walked along, hoping to find another. The life of a synthetic element was proving lonely.
I just want to meet someone as terrible as me, why is that so hard
— snowjob (@canadasandra) April 28, 2017
He had a song in his heart, though.
I really appreciate the narrative in
"Le Freak" by Chic.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) May 3, 2017
Jay Z was also in there.
I've got 99 problems and exaggerating is probably one because I actually have like 3 or 4.
— Say it ain't so (@Shut_up_Marissa) September 13, 2016
It was then met someone who asserted that being borne in a nuclear blast wasn’t really that big of a deal.
99 problems? Amateur.
— Trophy Knife (@sarah1mc) March 6, 2017
But 99 quickly brushed off that claim.
I've got 99 problems to deal with and you didn't make the list so don't flatter yourself.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) March 31, 2017
Then, he decided, it was time for a break.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
— Beverlicious (@blade_funner) May 3, 2017
A solid nap will do that for an element.
I like what you've done with your re-animated corpse. Very supernatural.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) September 24, 2015
99 ruminated upon his ancestors, evaluating how he’d ended up in this spot.
To my grandma:
You put the 'mental' in sentimental. Thanks for the dead bird. I love it.
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) January 9, 2015
He was particularly focused on his great aunt Vorza.
Any time I run into an old gypsy woman, I put a curse on her before she puts a curse on me.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) May 1, 2017
Not that she was all bad.
This old lady laughs like Witch Hazel and its so enchanting.
— Ghost Talking (@spiritusloquens) April 25, 2017
Though his great uncle had also been quite an interesting character. Too bad he vanished.
*i stand up at dinner wearing a very regal cloak*
i will not be attending cartography academy due to my very limited understanding of words
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) May 3, 2017
He continued his journey, through locations rough and locations nice.
*Friend pulls up to my house honking the horn*
Me (shouting from the window): THIS IS A RESPECTABLE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD
— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) April 29, 2017
Sometimes, people thought they recognized him.
You may recognize me from such patterns as 'All over the place' and 'Taking things too far'
— kanye's bhole (@bossy_bootz) March 9, 2017
Given that he was a byproduct of a nuclear explosion, he wondered about his career options. Would he find somewhere that offered training?
My boss made me go through four sexual-harassment classes, and I'm still not very good at it.
— Damon Hunzeker (@DamonHunzeker) April 27, 2017
Or would he unleash his entrepreneurial spirit?
Tandem unicycle marriage counseling.
— Jason Hunzeker (@hunz74) April 29, 2017
Perhaps using tricks from the family business.
For absolutely no money i will put a curse on your family & everyone you love.
— FRANKENFRECKLE (@gothicaseas) April 20, 2016
Then, he met a spirit animal, and her animals.
If having hope means waiting 7 yrs for my cat circus idea to take off, then so be it.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) April 23, 2017
He sought council from a friend.
"Right?! God. You're such a good listener," I say to this stinkbug who lives in my bathroom.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) May 3, 2017
Then he went to Grandma’s house for a relaxing meal. The situation was much tenser than he’d expected.
GRANDMA: Say grace, sweetheart
ME (at 8yo): I don't like to, Grandma
GRANDMA: [pulling gun from her handbag] SAY GRACE
— Q, reassembled (@mamannequin) May 2, 2017
Though her pets were full of whimsy.
I put water wings on my goldfish. You can't be too careful about these things.
— VnT (@Vodkantots) May 1, 2017
99 set back out. He knew his journey was about to take a turn. Maybe not a crazy one, but a turn nonetheless.
Not nearly so many plot twists as there used to be…
— Cam (@GinAndJif) April 29, 2017
He couldn’t believe what happened next.
The sea monkeys have risen up and they are in full revolt. They are heavily armed, and they are angry. Tell my children I loved them.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) April 29, 2017
99 knew the powers that had created him could once again be used. Maybe for good, but not necessarily.
put tombstones in your front yard with your neighbors names.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) October 12, 2016
It was then that he happened upon an unlikely ally.
you can always tell when i'm upset when i'm screaming in the middle the street.
— The Getaway Girl (@The_GetawayGirl) April 29, 2017
And a project.
News of the Neighborhood: The architectural review committee has halted the wildcat gazebo build at 7 Adare Place.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) April 27, 2017
The screaming woman decided she was done.
You're all delusion, no grandeur.
— @Henry_3k (@Henry_3k) April 27, 2017
99 wasn’t surprised. He could be a bit much for some.
I talk a lot of shit, period.
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) May 4, 2017
There was a reason for this.
It's not so much a bad mood as it is a lifestyle
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) August 23, 2016
If you can't stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) April 25, 2017
He wondered if perhaps he should choose a less adventurous, and time consuming, path.
all I want in life is to be the dude behind the bar in the old westerns endlessly drying shit w/ a cloth, minding his own business
— Fuzzlime (@fuzzlime) April 28, 2017
Though he also wanted to explore the possibilities offered by being a renegade artist.
Got my first unsolicited dirty laundry pic.
— Rachel (@Rachelnoise) April 30, 2017
Alas, people were not in love with his concepts and were fairly savage in their critiques.
Her: Damn, that was ice cold
— Anna Grace (@graceful_asfuck) March 9, 2017
99 reclined with his crew and formulated a plan.
(passing out tiny flower shaped cakes to the raccoons in my gazebo)
"My sense of humor is dry and I get into trouble a lot"
— taffy bennïngton (@singwithTaffy) March 28, 2017
It involved a little bit of poetry.
Him: "Shall I compare thee to a winter’s night?"
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 21, 2017
And the knowledge that this meandering mess would soon be over.
Just shake your head and close your eyes and it will all be over.
— des fleur (@flowersofmyself) April 27, 2017
He decided to take drastic action.
It's not too hard to find a needle in a haystack when you've got a match.
— busty&blunt (@attsmcjay) February 7, 2017
Except for one problem: his level of motivation.
Laziness is a killer but at least it's effortless.
— Miss Muse (@bevandeveire) April 30, 2017
He knew there was a better way.
Woke up an Internet sensation again.
— Mrs. Dick Helicopter (@Hormonella) April 20, 2017
Sometimes that didn’t go exactly according to plan.
Hello sir. There is a leaf stuck to your forehead. Did you know that?
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) May 4, 2017
There was also the aforementioned repository of effort he had on hand.
I only have enough for a minor catastrophic event.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) April 28, 2017
So, he modulated.
A little less comeback, a lot more come back later.
— Rev (@NotARatsAss) May 3, 2017
Though he briefly got distracted and let his plans get lofty and bend toward world domination.
I wanna be a lizard person when I grow up!
— Vincent Cacklemore (@ohthatbadger) April 25, 2017
99 paused and took a moment to enjoy some light recreation.
I hate it when the guy bowling in the next lane is also kissing his crucifix, visualizing the ball's path & whispering Happy Gilmore quotes.
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) April 30, 2017
And to plan some hijinks.
Invited to a wedding for someone you dislike?
Show up at the ceremony wearing the same gown as the bride.
— Lynn Tomhardystan (@illiter8too) April 26, 2017
Then he remembered what had brought him to this point. Besides the nuclear explosion, that was.
This world simply cannot grasp the depths of my opt out desires.
— DarkerWillow (@DarkerWillow) January 3, 2017
He pondered his own mortality.
I want my tombstone so hidden that you need to answer a riddle from an ancient creature just to find it.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) April 27, 2017
As he did so, he lay down on the side of the road, pausing his journey for a moment and attempted sleep.
Dont you hate it when youre on the verge of falling asleep but your foot twitches or the scream of 1000 demons calls you from another world?
— mo (@chuuew) April 21, 2017
And that’s when it hit him.
I'm gonna be such a weird ghost.
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) April 30, 2017
From there, well…
and now, the moment you've all been waiting for
— Josh Whedon Fanclub (@Prof_Hinkley) April 27, 2017
Our hero drifted off to sleep. When he woke, he found his mind clear, though he wondered about the mutants that were borne in the same blast from which he arose. He stood up, stole a car, and headed down the road for a little
He turned on the radio. Alanis Morissette came pouring through the speakers, saying something about how he oughta know. He wasn’t sure what, but he did know he was free for a moment, so he counted it. He also knew that, as for Michael Corleone, there might be investment opportunities in Cuba. That was an adventure for another day, though.
99 mashed the pedal to the floor and headed off in an unknown direction, turning off the tunes and enjoying the silent game. He wasn’t to be gone forever, but perhaps a little holiday was in order.
*attaches "Out of Office" sign to forehead*
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) May 2, 2017