Gerard the Jerboa had no idea how he’d landed in such a predicament. The bunny, the obscurely named Conejito, was possessed both of exemplary persuasive powers and of the ability to produce delicious chocolate eggs filled with fondant. Not only that, the fondant was creamy and sumptuous instead of the normal hard and flavorless expression thereof. Gerard was unsure of his next step. Maybe his next hop.
For there, next to the decorative fern, he’d agreed to a seemingly impossible mission. He was to take over the eastern seaboard. Also, he was supposed to deliver some treats or something. Mostly, though, he was to claim the eastern seaboard in the name of fondant. Since he couldn’t produce sumptuous eggs filled with that fondant, he was left with but one choice: the flamethrower.
He didn’t want to find himself hauling around crème eggs and a flamethrower any more than he wanted to be adorned with the mantle of responsibility with which Conejito had shackled him. He had a lovely day bed and plate of crudités awaiting him. They did not require a flamethrower.
This whole hero’s journey was an obstacle to reclining with his snacks, but a deal is a deal, even one made with an exceptionally persuasive bunny. Plus, he remembered the lessons his cousin Jedidiah taught him about proper planning. He lowered his chin and set off.
I fear this roadkill raccoon will never commit another garbage heist. Arkansas mourns your loss, you rotten little shit.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) March 19, 2015
Though he remained cognizant of the foul play afoot. And rim shots.
Sorry I giggled; the term “clusterfuck” just always makes me think of a group of rowdy chickens.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) March 20, 2018
A would-be interlocutor attempted to interrupt. Gerard had a response.
Before you ask me any questions, I should probably tell you that I’m not well.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) March 14, 2018
He was angry. Not just because of his surroundings, though they were playing an outsized part.
This mellow acoustic guitar solo is really pissing me off.
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) March 13, 2018
Nonetheless, Gerard checked his motivations. As he suspected, they were on point.
My flair for misinterpretation
is a gift that keeps on giving.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) November 20, 2017
Though he wondered about his life, and if he was the hero on a hero’s journey. There was a chance he was the villain.
What if I’M the doppelganger and the good me is out driving around with his 25 year old girlfriend in his Ferrari right now
— Böb Jänke: America’s Sweetheart (@Bob_Janke) March 9, 2018
There was this predilection to grapple with.
Running with scissors out of necessity.
— TN Cherry (@OhHell_Cherry) March 10, 2018
There was also his resolve.
It’s not too late to rue the day.
Yours or somebody else’s.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) March 10, 2018
And his various superpowers.
I can do a spin move while sitting on a bean bag but I don’t want to freak people out.
— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) March 7, 2018
There were also his side gigs.
You say you have an old soul and I imagine a market for new souls.
— TypeO-Meg (@UpTo40Meg) March 5, 2018
Alas, Gerard’s path wasn’t free of decorum and the demands of the royals.
Welcome to my home. Don’t panic, but the Goat King is here.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) November 15, 2017
Nor was it free of memories of times past.
When I was growing up this town had a drive-thru liquor store. Back when we were really free.
— F. Scott FitzJesse (@fscottfitzjesse) March 3, 2018
Simpler times, when fun was to be had with simpler pursuits.
Come, let’s go people watch at the airport.
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) March 4, 2018
Not all of the memories were positive. Gerard thought back on his cousin Jedidiah and his untimely demise.
Welcome to our parking lot, please check your ability to drive and sense of urgency upon entry
— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) March 6, 2018
That moment of reflection gave Gerard the opportunity to notice something, something peculiar.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
— Jimmer Cork-Bottle (@JimmerThatisAll) September 3, 2013
It also gave him the opportunity to reminisce.
well, haha, i mean, it was the 70s & my dad would just murder drifters every once in a while from the comfort of his buick skylark
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) March 5, 2018
Upon doing so, though, he found himself given to pontification.
listen up if he hooks his sunglasses in the front collar of his shirt he’s got something important to say
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) March 9, 2018
The dossier he was keeping in his hip pocket helped.
I just put a fork in the microwave and accidentally harvested all of your data.
— Damon Hunzeker (@DamonHunzeker) March 20, 2018
Even if its creation had been invigorating and messy while not overly concerned with things like accuracy or common-sense caution.
I just started a fire in the microwave and I’ve never felt so alive.
— ᏔᏔ (@W0nderW0manW0w) February 5, 2018
It was all part of his strategy.
Everything is going according to my evil plan.
— Trophy Knife (@sarah1mc) March 15, 2018
Especially as he wasn’t above sowing discord.
Leaving shoes randomly along the highways of America is part of my ministry.
— Wondering (@stillwondering1) March 15, 2018
Or behaving selfishly.
This is for me. If I can enrage others that’s a bonus.
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) March 15, 2018
Or even having a point.
Novel for sale. Never written.
— Mythic Picnic (@MythicPicnic) August 29, 2017
Gerard was sure of one thing. That was that data mining is, as Martha Stewart would say, a good thing.
Giving up social media is selfish and reckless. Be better.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) March 19, 2018
He was curious if he needed an accomplice. He was feeling a bit peckish, as it were.
I’ll bring the bad influence and moral destruction, you just bring that awesome potato salad.
— Cathenia (@yazminda12) March 7, 2018
Unfortunately, would-be accomplices weren’t just making themselves known.
Sometimes, I don’t even know why I’m stalking you.
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) March 9, 2017
Though they did offer moxie.
i’d like to be remembered as you see me now: smiling, LAUGHING, cookin over a cauldron, chanting spells with ur name in them, so full of JOY
— bombsy (@bombsydoll) October 19, 2017
And a reason to be optimistic.
a stranger is just a friend who hasn’t disappointed you yet
— Gronk’s Mom 🐾 (@_Lazy_Madonna_) March 19, 2018
Gerard, nonetheless, wasn’t without his doubts. Being a supervillain who also delivered candy he couldn’t produce was a very tiring endeavor.
I don’t remember what I wanted to be when I grew up but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t this.
— Sardonic Tart 🇮🇹 (@SardonicTart) October 5, 2014
And the music in the air wasn’t helping.
You think all is right with the world then BAM you hear two songs by the Atlanta Rhythm Section in one day
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) March 12, 2018
Though the atmosphere, and the terror, was.
Your grandmother looks like she could punch her fist into the earth and pull out a beet
— DonQuickOats (@DonQuickoats) July 7, 2015
Not that he was especially introspective.
No, I don’t know what’s wrong with me…thanks for asking.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) March 13, 2018
He was overflowing with curiosity, however.
If you need me, I’ll be at the indoor inflatable playground reading a book about Jonestown.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) March 18, 2018
And fancy plans … and pants to match.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
— Bogey (@OneyeBogey) December 30, 2017
Plus, some foolish ones … and pants to match.
gentrify this nuke
— sarah (@girlnarly) February 18, 2018
They were lounge wear, to be honest.
But if I don’t procrastinate, I won’t be busy enough to complain about being busy. This is a mature, proven process.
— J™ (@CommonSavant) March 16, 2018
I mean, everyone, and everything, needs to recline once in a while.
If I could find the caps lock on my keyboard, you’d be in a lot of shit right now.
— Bandit (@signalborder) March 15, 2018
For without reclining, certain truths will never be discovered.
Not saying it should be a law, but all people named Phil need to be pharmacists. Obviously.
— Cat From Nowhe®e (@kv8) March 7, 2018
And certain skills cannot be practiced and thus improved upon.
I’m adding, ‘frosty countenance’ to my list of job skills.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) December 14, 2017
Particularly ones that require a bit of stillness.
Does this giant crow circling above me make me look mysterious?
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) February 19, 2018
And a cleaning crew.
Clorox bleach is proof of God’s love.
— Marriedballs McGinty 💏 (@IronballsMcGinT) March 10, 2018
As well as pushing him toward constant improvement.
You make me want to be a better assassin.
— 🗣Adrianna LaCervix (@AdriannaLaCervx) March 15, 2018
While also imbuing him with the verve to fight the power, no matter the circumstances.
Him: Let’s not count our chicks before they hatch
Me: <slams down copy of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting Chickens”> Sure, Randy, that makes sense
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) March 6, 2018
It helped that he was fully familiar with the enemy.
Don’t you dare threaten me. The only person who ruins me is me.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 12, 2018
Though not everyone appreciated his southern dedication to etiquette.
I’d rather be called fuckface than ma’am.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 4, 2014
Thus, Gerard the Jerboa continued, mentally steeling himself for his coming conquest. A friend offered words of, well, not encouragement, but they were words.
There’s a whole world outside for you to discover. Explore, make new friends, do new things, don’t ever come back. Get lost. Please just leave.
— Henry 3000 (@Henry_3000) March 15, 2018
He was somewhat concerned about how he’d find nourishment on his hero’s journey, as we’ve established he couldn’t make the eggs.
I never want to find myself in a situation where my total lack of knowledge about which berries are safe to eat is a serious problem.
— RunwayDan (@RunwayDan) February 26, 2018
He made a promise to himself. He was starting to suspect he was a glutton for punishment and that maybe Conejito wasn’t all that persuasive.
if i survive this i’m down for naked and afraid
— Soyourelikethat® (@soyourelikethat) March 19, 2018
Plus, this was his resting state.
“Describe yourself in one word.”
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) March 6, 2018
Also, he was still concerned about locating sustenance.
“oh yes, your meaty meal looks
divine!”, i say as i lick the last of
my pink bubbles and wildflowers.
— taffy b (@singwithTaffy) February 28, 2018
He wondered if his morning routine would make things better, or worse. He was hoping for worse.
I set 2 different alarms in case I’m not angry enough in the morning
— kanye’s bhole (@bossy_bootz) February 20, 2018
All this thinking left Gerard distracted and not focused on his surroundings. Otherwise, he would have noticed he had found a base from which to launch his opening salvo.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 2, 2018
Gerard picked himself up and dusted himself off, unsure of how he’d gotten from there to here, more sure that he’d accomplished very little in the process. He did find himself the new owner of a set of fireplace pokers and a slightly used trampoline, so there was that, even if he couldn’t figure out where he’d gotten them from. Being a roving jerboa wasn’t without its charms, and it wasn’t without its perks, either.
He spread the maps out on the table and began thinking about how ill-fated this entire endeavor was. Conejito swung open the screen door and joined him, reminding him that a deal is a deal and providing him with a second flamethrower. Though it didn’t make sense to Gerard, and he was tempted to say “screw it” and head home to his day bed and crudités, he spotted something from the corner of his eye. He never was one to turn down an antagonist.
Conejito smiled, knowing full-well that the journey wasn’t over.
The villain of our story emerges. Her features are consistent with North American beauty standards. Formidable.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) March 16, 2018