Elon Musk is a chump. Sure, he makes electric cars and rockets, and launches electric cars into space on rockets, but he doesn’t go into true uncharted territory and try to make science fiction into science fact. Even the whole tunnel thing he talks about is just a rerun of ideas from days of old.
The same is true for the personal flame throwers one of his companies released. Anyone could make a flame thrower, you just need some fire and something to throw it with, like a catapult.
To be a true next-generation supervillain, you have to step up your game. Stop thinking of the present and think about the future instead. What’s the next step for billionaire inventors who want to score some government funds? It’s not electric cars and rockets, it’s building a parallel universe then launching cars into space from it. And you, yes you!, are just the person to do it. But first, you’ll need a robot army.
You’ll probably also need some other things, like a team of scientists and a bunch of money and some rare earth minerals. I don’t know for sure. This isn’t about me, this is about you. I’m just the idea man, although I will take a cut.
I do know that the time is now, so get out there and be the Tony Stark that Musk wants to be. But whatever you do, don’t give in to lesser systems of measurement. No supervillain gets his start by capitulating.
Never doubt our resolve. We’re the country that defeated the metric system by sheer force of apathy.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) August 25, 2018
That’s the spirit!
Every day is a fresh new start to fuck up even worse, so let’s all focus and get this shit done
— Elisabeth. (@YourMomsucksTho) August 27, 2018
Just remember, it won’t happen overnight. There are stages.
I don’t know why so many new millionaires go for yachts right-off-the-bat. First things first: secret revolving bookcase.
— Lord Rat Squirt (@lordratsquirt) August 28, 2018
Now isn’t important. What is important is thinking about the future. And hiring the right people to build the phasers. Don’t go with anyone whose initials are E.M.
Your phasers won’t help you now, Doris.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) August 29, 2018
Along the way, you may encounter feedback that seems less than supportive. Remember, it’s all in how you look at it.
To quote my almighty spirit, this ship is bananas.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) August 29, 2018
Make sure your team members are asking the right questions along the way.
Wolves: Vicious dogs of the forest or benevolent alien overlords?: A Ten Part Investigation/Pop Up Diorama
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) August 21, 2018
What if those movies were right all along? Dare to dream.
I wish I had as much faith in anything as 80’s movies had in lasers.
— Marriedballs McGinty 💏 (@IronballsMcGinT) <ahref=”https://twitter.com/IronballsMcGinT/status/820351354086555649?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>January 14, 2017
Focus! There will be time for developing those in your new parallel universe later.
when you google something and now you’re reading about chem trails three hours later.
— The Getaway Girl (@The_GetawayGirl) August 28, 2018
This could be useful.
i just found out that there’s a secret department at home depot where you can rent a live panther
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) August 22, 2018
I know a guy in this universe who could probably sell you one of those and tell you it’s groundbreaking.
It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) August 10, 2018
You’ll definitely need that. Maybe you should make a list.
In the haste of my chaos, I nearly forgot to pack my mayhem.
— J™ (@CommonSavant) August 21, 2018
When hiring for your human resources team, this is the type of pluck and verve to look for. It will play perfectly on Earth 2.
I dream about hijacking semis & stealing cars you can’t tie me down
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) August 21, 2018
Also hire this woman for the HR team.
when people question the origin of the evil entity that has sprouted from my side neck, I tell them no answers shall be given without submitting the proper forms.
— taffy bennington ◬ (@singwithTaffy) August 20, 2018
Don’t listen to this guy. On Earth 2, your doppelganger could prove to be an invaluable ally.
You’re the only You, so make sure you kill any doppelgängers.
— TheAlexNevil (@TheAlexNevil) August 18, 2018
No, it’s encouraged, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
But the bylaws don’t expressly prohibit moonshining on common land, right?
— Buddawiggi (@MarkBuckawicki) November 28, 2017
You’ll also want to put this guy in charge of something, or at least let him lead some team builders.
I’m timeless. Kind of like Uranium or an ancient strain of the plague.
— Böb Jänke Official (@Bob_Janke) August 16, 2018
But what if the person sending them is your doppelganger? Don’t get hasty.
If you send me positive vibes I swear I will find you and kill you.
— Tony™ 🐜🍯 (@tsm560) August 5, 2018
On Earth 2, anything is possible!
Bike rental? How about we liven things up in this town with an ostrich rental?
— Johnny Two Balls (@LooptyBoo) August 12, 2018
Probably a portal to a parallel universe. Here’s your chance to shine.
For today’s unboxing video we’re going to open up this human and find out what’s missing
— Hat (@HatTheButcher) August 8, 2018
Hire this guy, too.
I will be in charge of dismissive comments from now on.
— The soul of America speaks. (@signalborder) August 9, 2018
Please have the sales team reach out to this potential customer again. Mention the possibility of her doppelganger coming back to this dimension.
Hi. I don’t care. Thanks.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 2, 2014
Put this chap on subterfuge, he’s good.
My mountain stronghold is so immaculately camouflaged that I cannot find the secret bush door and need to crash on your couch. Again.
— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) August 4, 2018
And now for some foreshadowing.
[watching chuck e cheese band]
terminator: hi grandpa
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 3, 2018
First question, where can we get more? Like a lot more. Just in case.
a live grenade for your thoughts
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) August 1, 2018
That attitude will get you far on Earth 2.
That’s terrible advice, I’ll take it.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) July 25, 2018
Investors will expect you to have a grand entrance, so why not surprise them with a grand exit instead?
That reminds me. It’s time.
[absorbed into disappearing forest twilight]
— Cat From Nowhe®e (@kv8) August 13, 2018
You could, however, vanish. Watch out for your doppelganger, though.
It looks like I won’t be able to, ‘neither confirm nor deny’ my way out of this one.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) August 7, 2018
Although in the early stages of planning, you’ll want to take some entrepreneurs with you into the parallel dimension. Small business Saturdays cross dimensional lines, after all.
starting a Psychic Twins palm reading business, with a guy i met outside the grocery
— fightgeek (@fightgeek) August 29, 2018
What if there were a way to get a do-over?
My entire crime organization is in smoking ruins. I really wish we hadn’t killed that maverick cop’s partner.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) August 29, 2018
And if that doesn’t work, go with plan B.
The key to any successful relationship is agreeing on an alibi.
— Dorky Romano (@SuperApple80) August 25, 2018
Maybe Dave’s just trying to make sure it gets through the portal. Or maybe Dave’s not even here, man. (But do make sure that if he’s not, he’s arrived on Earth 2.)
If you’re tossing someone a hammer or a cordless drill or a baby it’s best not to put a spin on it, Dave.
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) August 29, 2018
Have the sales team contact this woman, too.
No way am I the only one who thought her life would be a lot more like “Designing Women”
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) August 8, 2018
And this one.
It’s all going to be ok because spiral ham season is coming
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) August 29, 2018
Put this one on the procurement team. She gets where you’re headed and is dressed for success.
I need status, access, resources, and at least four pairs of LL Bean khakis.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) August 16, 2018
On Earth 2, anything is possible. Except stupid ideas about tunnels. Anyone who says otherwise gets a “bless your heart.”
Bringing back the cheek kiss greeting one startled stranger at a time.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) August 23, 2018
Remember when I said “Anything is possible”? That may have been a bit of an exaggeration, especially since this plan most likely involves math. Lots of math.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
— Henry 3000 (@Henry_3000) August 24, 2018
At this point, some investors may be getting cold feet. Take time to reassure them.
Please don’t get the wrong idea. All my smiles are condescending.
— Po, k? (@Peauxtassium) July 26, 2018
Not to sound like a broken record, but you know who to have get in touch with this fellow.
HR says I got to stop talking about the Snake Gods, my woman’s clay pots and the fury of the river.
— Wondering (@stillwondering1) August 27, 2018
If any leads are particularly resistant, assign them to this team member.
I can’t begin to list all the ways you’re wrong but that won’t stop me from trying.
— Kimtopher (@kimtopher22) July 29, 2018
Here’s a candidate to lead your interdimensional parkour division.
I’m secretly married to Keanu Reeves.
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) August 19, 2018
And here’s your director of operations.
Take your wild boar pet to parties and tell people she’s just a puppy right now and will get better
— DonQuickOats (@DonQuickoats) August 5, 2018
Put this person in charge of marketing. Or her doppelganger. Either will work.
I let someone live once. 0/5 stars. Do not recommend.
— V (@Inferno_V) July 19, 2018
For chief doppelganger officer, I recommend this candidate.
I’ll always be here for you, I threatened
— kanye’s bhole (@bossy_bootz) July 14, 2018
Finally, you’ll need a chief interdimensional officer. Look no further.
I’m going to lunch, however I cannot guarantee that my lunchbox will not open a portal to another “lunch” dimension, and, having opened the portal, I cannot guarantee my return for this afternoon’s meeting.
— Dominic Caruso (@DominicCaruso1) August 22, 2018
This all may seem vague or nebulous or impossible. If so, then the problem is you. To become a world-straddling supervillain, you need to take self-limiting language out of your vocabulary. You must look at launching cars into space via a system of tunnels constructed with rocket launchers as child’s play. You must look directly into the abyss until it stares back, then laugh in its face. Then toss a few grenades in there.
The only boundaries — besides space, time, and the basic rules of physics — are your opponent’s robot army, which we haven’t really covered today. But I have faith in you, and your ability to transcend those boundaries and build a robot army without instruction. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t offer such valuable consultations for free, implicit agreements about my future earnings notwithstanding.
So seize the day. Make it yours. Make the day on Earth 2 yours, as well. Robot armies are governed by logic, after all, and you have a strategic advantage on your side.
Act irrational like it’s your job.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) August 26, 2018