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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 115

All that stands between you and Earth 2 is yourself. And a robot army. Don’t forget the explosives.


Elon Musk is a chump. Sure, he makes electric cars and rockets, and launches electric cars into space on rockets, but he doesn’t go into true uncharted territory and try to make science fiction into science fact. Even the whole tunnel thing he talks about is just a rerun of ideas from days of old.

The same is true for the personal flame throwers one of his companies released. Anyone could make a flame thrower, you just need some fire and something to throw it with, like a catapult.

To be a true next-generation supervillain, you have to step up your game. Stop thinking of the present and think about the future instead. What’s the next step for billionaire inventors who want to score some government funds? It’s not electric cars and rockets, it’s building a parallel universe then launching cars into space from it. And you, yes you!, are just the person to do it. But first, you’ll need a robot army.

You’ll probably also need some other things, like a team of scientists and a bunch of money and some rare earth minerals. I don’t know for sure. This isn’t about me, this is about you. I’m just the idea man, although I will take a cut.

I do know that the time is now, so get out there and be the Tony Stark that Musk wants to be. But whatever you do, don’t give in to lesser systems of measurement. No supervillain gets his start by capitulating.

That’s the spirit!

Just remember, it won’t happen overnight. There are stages.

Now isn’t important. What is important is thinking about the future. And hiring the right people to build the phasers. Don’t go with anyone whose initials are E.M.

Along the way, you may encounter feedback that seems less than supportive. Remember, it’s all in how you look at it.

Make sure your team members are asking the right questions along the way.

What if those movies were right all along? Dare to dream.

Focus! There will be time for developing those in your new parallel universe later.

This could be useful.

I know a guy in this universe who could probably sell you one of those and tell you it’s groundbreaking.

You’ll definitely need that. Maybe you should make a list.

When hiring for your human resources team, this is the type of pluck and verve to look for. It will play perfectly on Earth 2.

Also hire this woman for the HR team.

Don’t listen to this guy. On Earth 2, your doppelganger could prove to be an invaluable ally.

No, it’s encouraged, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

You’ll also want to put this guy in charge of something, or at least let him lead some team builders.

But what if the person sending them is your doppelganger? Don’t get hasty.

On Earth 2, anything is possible!

Probably a portal to a parallel universe. Here’s your chance to shine.

Hire this guy, too.

Please have the sales team reach out to this potential customer again. Mention the possibility of her doppelganger coming back to this dimension.

Put this chap on subterfuge, he’s good.

And now for some foreshadowing.

First question, where can we get more? Like a lot more. Just in case.

That attitude will get you far on Earth 2.

Investors will expect you to have a grand entrance, so why not surprise them with a grand exit instead?

You could, however, vanish. Watch out for your doppelganger, though.

Although in the early stages of planning, you’ll want to take some entrepreneurs with you into the parallel dimension. Small business Saturdays cross dimensional lines, after all.

What if there were a way to get a do-over?

And if that doesn’t work, go with plan B.

Maybe Dave’s just trying to make sure it gets through the portal. Or maybe Dave’s not even here, man. (But do make sure that if he’s not, he’s arrived on Earth 2.)

Have the sales team contact this woman, too.

And this one.

Put this one on the procurement team. She gets where you’re headed and is dressed for success.

On Earth 2, anything is possible. Except stupid ideas about tunnels. Anyone who says otherwise gets a “bless your heart.”

Remember when I said “Anything is possible”? That may have been a bit of an exaggeration, especially since this plan most likely involves math. Lots of math.

At this point, some investors may be getting cold feet. Take time to reassure them.

Not to sound like a broken record, but you know who to have get in touch with this fellow.

If any leads are particularly resistant, assign them to this team member.

Here’s a candidate to lead your interdimensional parkour division.

And here’s your director of operations.

Put this person in charge of marketing. Or her doppelganger. Either will work.

For chief doppelganger officer, I recommend this candidate.

Finally, you’ll need a chief interdimensional officer. Look no further.

This all may seem vague or nebulous or impossible. If so, then the problem is you. To become a world-straddling supervillain, you need to take self-limiting language out of your vocabulary. You must look at launching cars into space via a system of tunnels constructed with rocket launchers as child’s play. You must look directly into the abyss until it stares back, then laugh in its face. Then toss a few grenades in there.

The only boundaries — besides space, time, and the basic rules of physics — are your opponent’s robot army, which we haven’t really covered today. But I have faith in you, and your ability to transcend those boundaries and build a robot army without instruction. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t offer such valuable consultations for free, implicit agreements about my future earnings notwithstanding.

So seize the day. Make it yours. Make the day on Earth 2 yours, as well. Robot armies are governed by logic, after all, and you have a strategic advantage on your side.