Skip to content
Florida Investigates Claims That Radical Abortion Group 'Forged' Signatures On Ballot Petition
Humor

This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 98

By: Rich Cromwell
11 min read
Jon Mountjoy / Flickr

Use this one simple strategy to achieve world domination. Guaranteed or your money back.

Author Rich Cromwell profile
Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
More Articles
Share

When getting into shape to aid your plans for world domination, it’s important to find an exercise routine that works for you. For some, it’s old-fashioned diet and calisthenics. For others, it’s CrossFit combined with hardcore paleo. But for those looking for the cutting-edge program, the one that leads to peak physical and mental conditioning, there is no substitute for taking the rhino by the horn.

Borne out of the rhinoceros ab workout created by High Commander Fezziwig J. Pitcairn, the Rhino is a rigorous blend of Krav Maga, running, rhythmic gymnastics, free weights, and inspirational poetry recitation. The purpose is to bewilder potential foes, then incapacitate them with brute force and iambic pentameters.

With this, one becomes insuppressible, an unrivaled force of nature stoppable only by free verse, Jell-O shots, and vengeful, angry sea gods.

Until recently, this program was available only to select members of the secret cabal that runs all life on the planet. Now, though, the Rhino is available to everyone. All you have to do is close your eyes, believe, and replace the tragically constructed trash can liners that have plagued your existence until this moment. Upon doing so, a hologram of Pitcairn will materialize in your home, challenge you to a rap battle, using the results to determine how far down he has to break you before building you back up.

There is but one question: will you? Will you embrace the animal power within and dominate the world, laying waste to villages and foes as you take your place on the throne, cup in hand, ready to issue proclamations and all that?

Of course, you will. It’s your superpower.


With the Rhino, nothing is safe. That’s a feature, even if you’re not actually battling a bug.


Subterfuge, danger, adventure? Oh yeah, that’s involved.


With the Rhino program, you’ll stand unfazed and steely-eyed, impressing everyone around you with your raw energy.


What they don’t know might kill them.


But wait, there’s more.


That’s like lesson 5, but if that’s your natural state of being, that’s a plus.


Another benefit of learning the secrets of an international cabal of puppet masters is all the layers. Much like seven-layer dip.


But with the Rhino, they always are.


What if I were to tell you there were a way to still not make the list, but actually be one of the people to make the list?


With our proven methods, you’ll be able to bust out in no time.


And then head for the hills.


Just as you knew you always could.


Because with our proven techniques, they’ll never see you coming.


When you harness the power of the Rhino, you can rest assured that person won’t be you.


You’re using your time for a higher calling.


For example, maxing and relaxing.


Sitting back and letting others do your bidding.


Because wherever you go, when you bring Rhino power, you’re operating by a different set of rules, one where you don’t live by publicly stated policies and offerings.


One where your whims reign supreme.


Well, they aren’t very conducive for boogieing, but you’ll be making the rules regardless.


Hey, you, sitting on the couch squandering your life, yes you.


Do you dare to aspire for something more?


Which isn’t to say your road will be easy.


It will be filled with hazard and peril.


Twists and turns.


And then…


When embracing your true spirit animal and animal power, laws do not concern you.


But don’t be afraid to feign weakness.


Alas, such schemes require us to be obtuse. But once you have “flaccid umbrella” memorized, you’ll be golden.


The second one is for removing incredulously as you proclaim, “Flaccid Umbrella? Are you kidding me?”


There’s really no need for this. You can just put in a call to the hotline should the need arise. That’s a side benefit of the Rhino system.


There’s no motto, but this will do. Only an elite group is armed with an international fleet of Zambonis.


With our program, you won’t even have to worry about this.


Because it’s your world.


You can play your cards close to your chest. Literally, even.


People won’t even be mad about this.


Or this.


This won’t slow you even a bit.


You can make any claims you want.


Look as fierce as you desire.


There’s a corollary to the umbrella rule—the GTS.


People will be inclined to say yes.


For your proclamations are grand, thanks to the power of your regimen.


That kid is in like Flynn. Pay attention to him, for he is going places. In fact, without him, there would be no Rhino.


Pitcairn never set out to achieve such heights. It wasn’t until that fateful day when he found himself sitting in the ER, waiting to get his eldest stitches. He had almost happened upon the moment of Zen that would unleash his powers, let loose the rhino. Sitting next to him was a young boy, hands and feet both injured. They struck up emergency room small talk, with the commander relating how his wife had worn a chambray wedding dress on the day of their nuptials. Then he asked a question.

Pitcairn inquired how the boy had found himself in such a state. The boy relayed his dreams; the commander was intrigued. Whereas the commander, much like the philosopher David St. Hubbins, had been struggling to unite his disparate ethos, this boy was close to finding the answer to doing so. Sure, there had been injuries, but he’d dared to unshackle himself from the limits of reality.

It was then that a plan was born. The commander pulled out his journal and began to write. It wasn’t a strict iambic pentameter, but it was close enough for his designs.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

More from Humor

View All

Latest

View All