When getting into shape to aid your plans for world domination, it’s important to find an exercise routine that works for you. For some, it’s old-fashioned diet and calisthenics. For others, it’s CrossFit combined with hardcore paleo. But for those looking for the cutting-edge program, the one that leads to peak physical and mental conditioning, there is no substitute for taking the rhino by the horn.
Borne out of the rhinoceros ab workout created by High Commander Fezziwig J. Pitcairn, the Rhino is a rigorous blend of Krav Maga, running, rhythmic gymnastics, free weights, and inspirational poetry recitation. The purpose is to bewilder potential foes, then incapacitate them with brute force and iambic pentameters.
With this, one becomes insuppressible, an unrivaled force of nature stoppable only by free verse, Jell-O shots, and vengeful, angry sea gods.
Until recently, this program was available only to select members of the secret cabal that runs all life on the planet. Now, though, the Rhino is available to everyone. All you have to do is close your eyes, believe, and replace the tragically constructed trash can liners that have plagued your existence until this moment. Upon doing so, a hologram of Pitcairn will materialize in your home, challenge you to a rap battle, using the results to determine how far down he has to break you before building you back up.
There is but one question: will you? Will you embrace the animal power within and dominate the world, laying waste to villages and foes as you take your place on the throne, cup in hand, ready to issue proclamations and all that?
Of course, you will. It’s your superpower.
You could dismember me in my sleep and I'd still get out of bed in the morning like lol that's all you got?
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) February 11, 2017
With the Rhino, nothing is safe. That’s a feature, even if you’re not actually battling a bug.
A beautiful flower fell from a tree and landed on my head but I thought it was a bug so I karate chopped it out of my hair and stomped on it
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) April 26, 2017
Subterfuge, danger, adventure? Oh yeah, that’s involved.
gonna lay low for a while. my falcon just killed a penguin at the zoo
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) April 26, 2017
With the Rhino program, you’ll stand unfazed and steely-eyed, impressing everyone around you with your raw energy.
damn girl, if I said you had a beautiful taser would you hold it against me
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) April 27, 2017
What they don’t know might kill them.
So as it turns out, no one appreciates a 35yo woman playing parkour at the furniture store.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 26, 2017
But wait, there’s more.
– My superpower is to not waste any more time arguing with idiots.
– Hey that's not a superpower.
– You're right.
— O' live (@offbeatoliv) April 25, 2017
That’s like lesson 5, but if that’s your natural state of being, that’s a plus.
My first reaction to anything is always to get angry. Have not been wrong yet.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) April 24, 2017
Another benefit of learning the secrets of an international cabal of puppet masters is all the layers. Much like seven-layer dip.
Trying to enjoy it for the multidelusional experience it is.
— L'Boxy L’Roxy (@laboxalaroxa) April 22, 2017
But with the Rhino, they always are.
Before I leave the house, I like to ask myself, "Are these jorts sassy enough?" They never are.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) April 18, 2017
What if I were to tell you there were a way to still not make the list, but actually be one of the people to make the list?
Woke up to not making Time's 100 most influential people list, again.
— Tony™ (@tsm560) April 20, 2017
With our proven methods, you’ll be able to bust out in no time.
Everything I like comes with a sentence.
— Queen of the Damned (@Cpt_Burnout) April 12, 2017
And then head for the hills.
Rides off into the sunset on a plush stick horse while making galloping sounds.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 26, 2017
Just as you knew you always could.
[after dad tells me to live each day as if it's my last]
*keeps loading pennies into a mechanical pony trying to ride off into the sunset*
— King Turdankhamun (@generaldietz) April 24, 2017
Because with our proven techniques, they’ll never see you coming.
My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.
— beth can't with this (@bourgeoisalien) July 10, 2015
When you harness the power of the Rhino, you can rest assured that person won’t be you.
You can call it "making memories" all you want but someone still has to clean it up.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 27, 2017
You’re using your time for a higher calling.
Me: Think I don't know how to use technology, kids?
[I fumble with the controller for a drone and fly it into a flock of migrating geese]
— Johnathan™ (@economybacon) April 27, 2017
For example, maxing and relaxing.
"Do people really become like their pets?" I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
— Boo Meringue (@Izianikapani) July 9, 2016
Sitting back and letting others do your bidding.
[sipping $12 piña colada]
It's rly important to me to immerse my kids in your country's culture
Señorita putting corn rows in my hair: sí
— Anna Grace (@graceful_asfuck) April 22, 2017
Because wherever you go, when you bring Rhino power, you’re operating by a different set of rules, one where you don’t live by publicly stated policies and offerings.
This "restaurant" serves "delicious" "food" with "pleasant" service, but can get "crowded" on "weekends" so be sure to make a "reservation"
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) April 25, 2017
One where your whims reign supreme.
I got boogie fever. I think it's going around.
— Böb Your Pal Jänke (@Bob_Janke) April 26, 2017
Well, they aren’t very conducive for boogieing, but you’ll be making the rules regardless.
3 serial killers sitting at a table:
How do you like yours?
Usually screaming & in tears
*turns to 2nd* You?
Tripping over her stilettos
— Štäçÿ (@girl_a_whirl) April 26, 2017
Hey, you, sitting on the couch squandering your life, yes you.
When, in the dead of night and the moon is obscured by clouds and all the creatures of creation cease their song as one
you're still stupid
— PELLᗰᑌᒪᒪ (@PellMull) June 21, 2013
Do you dare to aspire for something more?
If you'd not been so full of condescending cheer when you said "I don't hate you, my dear," you'd have heard the wind's whisper: "You will."
— Crazy Myra (@OutOnTheMoors) August 6, 2016
Which isn’t to say your road will be easy.
The Tin Man produces a scalpel they'd kept hidden inside The Scarecrow, passes it to The Lion and whispers, "the courage is in her stomach".
— Piece (@Piecezilla) October 20, 2014
It will be filled with hazard and peril.
For fun I'm gonna ask my mom to send me my basketball trophy from 6th grade.
— Rachel (@Rachelnoise) April 25, 2017
Twists and turns.
You could say my taste in women is 'piquant nihilist' with just a hint of lavender and patchouli and a penchant for crosswords.
— Lørd Frøy (@LordFroy) April 13, 2017
He used "segue" correctly & I'm impressed. and oh god terrified
— Fuzzlime (@fuzzlime) April 25, 2017
When embracing your true spirit animal and animal power, laws do not concern you.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they're not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don't believe me.
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) April 26, 2017
But don’t be afraid to feign weakness.
Do me a favor, let me make a fool of myself and pretend like you're not watching. It makes me nervous.
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) April 26, 2017
Alas, such schemes require us to be obtuse. But once you have “flaccid umbrella” memorized, you’ll be golden.
I live in constant fear of reading yet another acronym I don't understand.
— Banana Graveyard (@bananagrvyrd) April 25, 2017
The second one is for removing incredulously as you proclaim, “Flaccid Umbrella? Are you kidding me?”
[adjusting second monocle] What do you mean, pretentious?
— unpronounceabl emoji (@doubledgedildo) April 19, 2017
There’s really no need for this. You can just put in a call to the hotline should the need arise. That’s a side benefit of the Rhino system.
Even though I don't need it, I always pack an extra Zamboni when I go out of town.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) April 23, 2017
There’s no motto, but this will do. Only an elite group is armed with an international fleet of Zambonis.
Shout-out to my parents for making a fucking legend.
— busty&blunt (@attsmcjay) March 13, 2017
With our program, you won’t even have to worry about this.
Ask not what your van with a howling wolf, bubble window and New Mexico landscape can do for you, ask what you can do for that sweet van
— Swim Jeans (@ShortSleeveSuit) March 23, 2017
Because it’s your world.
Describe yourself using 1 word: doesn't follow rules
— kanye's bhole (@bossy_bootz) April 23, 2017
You can play your cards close to your chest. Literally, even.
I don't mean to brag, but I don't even mention my nipples until the 13th page of my resumè.
— SmashLanding (@SmashLanding) February 21, 2017
People won’t even be mad about this.
ATTENTION! ATTENTION PLEASE!
Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen.
I have nothing to say, I just wanted your attention.
— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) April 23, 2017
Customer service rep: Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?
Me: For starters, it's whom; & trust me, it's not gonna be a pleasure.
— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) March 29, 2017
This won’t slow you even a bit.
thank you göd for my horrible day, there was a breach in the holodeck and I slipped on my stockpile of hyperdrive power krystalz AMEN
— taffí benīngtøn (@singwithTaffy) April 14, 2017
You can make any claims you want.
Sexually I identify as a toaster.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) April 27, 2017
Look as fierce as you desire.
[getting eyebrows threaded] no no no I want them in the middle of my forehead
— Q, reassembled (@mamannequin) March 30, 2017
There’s a corollary to the umbrella rule—the GTS.
My umbrella opened up and now I need to call it pretty and comfort it during the storm.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 8, 2017
People will be inclined to say yes.
"I have a very particular set of skills. I will look for you, and I will find you. Then I'll ask if I can take a nap on your couch."
— Beauty & The Meh (@TheAlexNevil) April 23, 2017
For your proclamations are grand, thanks to the power of your regimen.
my mystery plays are to be performed outdoors on wooden stages mounted on wheels and transported about the city
— Wilx Kivz (@LagunaBeachPOV) April 27, 2017
That kid is in like Flynn. Pay attention to him, for he is going places. In fact, without him, there would be no Rhino.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) April 24, 2017
Pitcairn never set out to achieve such heights. It wasn’t until that fateful day when he found himself sitting in the ER, waiting to get his eldest stitches. He had almost happened upon the moment of Zen that would unleash his powers, let loose the rhino. Sitting next to him was a young boy, hands and feet both injured. They struck up emergency room small talk, with the commander relating how his wife had worn a chambray wedding dress on the day of their nuptials. Then he asked a question.
Pitcairn inquired how the boy had found himself in such a state. The boy relayed his dreams; the commander was intrigued. Whereas the commander, much like the philosopher David St. Hubbins, had been struggling to unite his disparate ethos, this boy was close to finding the answer to doing so. Sure, there had been injuries, but he’d dared to unshackle himself from the limits of reality.
It was then that a plan was born. The commander pulled out his journal and began to write. It wasn’t a strict iambic pentameter, but it was close enough for his designs.
I wish I was delusional more often.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) April 27, 2017