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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 126

By: Rich Cromwell
10 min read

Running as a ‘legitimate’ candidate‒a true man of the people‒is a marathon, not a sprint.

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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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I’ll admit it, my devoted supporters, sometimes I get tired. I think about quitting. I consider how tirelessly and selflessly you’ve been working and wonder if I should cut you loose. Then I remember what really matters. It’s about us, together, working tirelessly and selflessly, to leverage partnerships to achieve my goals.

Maybe you, gentle but #fierce supporters, have been working more tirelessly and selflessly than I have. That doesn’t change what we’re partnering for, it only makes it that much more #grassroots. And for that, I thank you. Our efforts are appreciated.

Because I’m very adept at using the object form. I’m also great at objectifying, but that’s not the issue right now. No, the issue is that while I should probably drop out, or at least “suspend” my candidacy, I’m no quitter. I’m in this for us, even if I’m the only one of us who will get that sweet, filthy lucre. But in order to get that dough, we have to stick together. (Although don’t worry, there will be gluten-free options. Or doughn’t worry, bad pun intended because I’m a man of the people.)

For just when they count us out, we’re right back. Like a nest of cobras waiting to hug people. I’m the lead cobra, but we’re all in the scrum or coil or ball or whatever. But there will be hugging, possibly even of the vicious variety. The people may not always know what they want, but I do, so let’s we close our eyes and focus on me. Afterwards, we’ll eat cookies.

Also, did I mention that I’m close to procuring an official campaign jet ski? Sure, jet skis are somewhat limited by terrain, but it’s still time to get wet and wild.


In these divided times, it’s important to find things to unite us.


And then dealing with them.


But then get back to accentuating the positive, me, and focusing on praising me with the adulation I so deserve.


Maybe I should find a running mate, but it has to be someone who both understands and complements me.


They should also compliment me and also be able to deal with the pain I bring when feeling other people’s pain.


Because when I bring the pain, I bring it hardcore from the brain,


Let’s step inside my astral plane,


To find out my mental’s based on instrumental records so I could campaign using monumental


Methods, I’m not the king, but the electorate is decaf, so I’m gonna stick them for the cream.


Just how deep can this get? Deep as the abyss and those who be mad should just accept it.


There are some who may be claiming that I plagiarized some of the preceding stump speech from Method Man. They may have a point, but my intent was not to deceive anyone. For if it were, I would not have been so blatant.


Anyway, have I mentioned my minions?


When it comes to bringing the ruckus, no one is better.


Though my next ex-campaign manager is pretty good at it, too.


Remember the jet ski? So that proved to be less useful than expected, so I had to get something for land use. Don’t worry, it’s still rad.


Actually, I’d like that last superlative stricken from the record.


As to your questions about where I got this sweet parasol that I’ve been carrying whether riding on my jet ski or my wolf, I’m going to have to plead the fifth.


Most candidates promise to surround themselves with the best and brightest. Not me. I prefer to think of myself as more of an instigator.


Voters tend to like it when you go on the Arsenio Hall show and display some unexpected talent. That information isn’t useful for me.


That’s why I’m going to need you to go along with my plan. If you do, I’ll use my influence to get you an internship at Vandelay Industries.


Some of you may be wondering what the point of all this is.


And for our next stop on the rubber chicken circuit.


Candidates like myself sacrifice so much while running for office. Just remember that we do it for others, and what we can do for to them, not for ourselves.


Not that doing things for others isn’t a source of joy.


But when it comes to meeting foreign leaders, you can count on me to keep it real.


For you were made to be ruled!


I mean.


Just kidding, I’m very effervescent.


And respectful of social norms.


Also, I’m a trendsetter.


I get this a lot.


I feel your pain, as I also don’t feel the water.


Anyway, let’s focus and, no, I’m not talking about the butterfly.


I have other linguistic strategies, as well.


And you know where those strategies lead? No, something else altogether.


Speaking of.


Because, gentle voters, like you, I’m not going out like this.


He’s canvassing or something, Dan.


Me, too. Why don’t they try a jet ski?


I prefer the term passionate, but I’ll take it.


This isn’t the best slogan, but it’s workable.


Any money you send won’t be squandered on frivolous things. Fiscal responsibility starts with my campaign, so far as you know.


Because I’ve made a decision. There’s no need for me to end, or even suspend, my campaign just yet. I have my reasons.


For the story that’s left to be told is epic and hopefully lucrative. Also, thank you?


Conventional candidates drive cars, American models only, and take planes. They definitely don’t travel around on wolves and jet skis. But I am not a conventional candidate, I’m a “legitimate” one. I’m a ball of cobras, tirelessly and selflessly looking to spread my message and bring power to the people, leveraging partnerships for the goals.

For at the end of the day, when I remember to use the object form, us is a powerful force in the U.S. You can’t even spell U.S. without us. And if that doesn’t work, there are other acceptable outcomes.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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