I’ll admit it, my devoted supporters, sometimes I get tired. I think about quitting. I consider how tirelessly and selflessly you’ve been working and wonder if I should cut you loose. Then I remember what really matters. It’s about us, together, working tirelessly and selflessly, to leverage partnerships to achieve my goals.
Maybe you, gentle but #fierce supporters, have been working more tirelessly and selflessly than I have. That doesn’t change what we’re partnering for, it only makes it that much more #grassroots. And for that, I thank you. Our efforts are appreciated.
Because I’m very adept at using the object form. I’m also great at objectifying, but that’s not the issue right now. No, the issue is that while I should probably drop out, or at least “suspend” my candidacy, I’m no quitter. I’m in this for us, even if I’m the only one of us who will get that sweet, filthy lucre. But in order to get that dough, we have to stick together. (Although don’t worry, there will be gluten-free options. Or doughn’t worry, bad pun intended because I’m a man of the people.)
For just when they count us out, we’re right back. Like a nest of cobras waiting to hug people. I’m the lead cobra, but we’re all in the scrum or coil or ball or whatever. But there will be hugging, possibly even of the vicious variety. The people may not always know what they want, but I do, so let’s we close our eyes and focus on me. Afterwards, we’ll eat cookies.
Also, did I mention that I’m close to procuring an official campaign jet ski? Sure, jet skis are somewhat limited by terrain, but it’s still time to get wet and wild.
Stick with me, kid. We’re going nowhere
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) July 2, 2019
In these divided times, it’s important to find things to unite us.
What matters most to you? I’ll hate it.
— King Cabo 🇺🇸 🍳 (@Shot_Of_Cabo) July 22, 2019
And then dealing with them.
lay waste to it
— m (@mj312_) July 20, 2019
But then get back to accentuating the positive, me, and focusing on praising me with the adulation I so deserve.
I have never been properly worshipped.
— Jennifer Slopez (@JennSlowpez) July 23, 2019
Maybe I should find a running mate, but it has to be someone who both understands and complements me.
It’s so hard to find someone as evil as you these days.
— Ava (@avainwordland) July 13, 2019
They should also compliment me and also be able to deal with the pain I bring when feeling other people’s pain.
This IS me being understanding dipshit
— Shasta (@shastamaria) June 30, 2019
Because when I bring the pain, I bring it hardcore from the brain,
I dot my “I” with a little heart because there isn’t enough love in the world
— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) July 23, 2019
Let’s step inside my astral plane,
I always wanted to be part of a fracas.
— richie (@theregoesrichie) July 16, 2019
To find out my mental’s based on instrumental records so I could campaign using monumental
*sees my picture on a wanted poster*
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) July 21, 2019
Methods, I’m not the king, but the electorate is decaf, so I’m gonna stick them for the cream.
Compliance won’t tell you this, but cultivating business contacts in the alley behind the laundromat is best practice.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) July 23, 2019
Just how deep can this get? Deep as the abyss and those who be mad should just accept it.
I registered my hands as lethal weapons. They don’t make you do any kind of test or anything. You just have to fill out some forms.
— Benny Rollins (@citizenkawala) July 19, 2019
There are some who may be claiming that I plagiarized some of the preceding stump speech from Method Man. They may have a point, but my intent was not to deceive anyone. For if it were, I would not have been so blatant.
oh you got a hidden safe don’t you even try to fool me
— Her Tall Boots 🎲🎲 (@fuzzlime) July 23, 2018
Anyway, have I mentioned my minions?
My great army of raccoons all sleeping scattered throughout the forest never once even slightly aware of my existence
— Wondering (@stillwondering1) July 16, 2019
When it comes to bringing the ruckus, no one is better.
at the very least i try and contribute to the chaos
— fightgeek (@fightgeek) July 16, 2019
Though my next ex-campaign manager is pretty good at it, too.
Not saying I can argue with a brick wall but an empty bag floated by today and boy did we have words
— shamedoll (@shamedoll) July 9, 2019
Remember the jet ski? So that proved to be less useful than expected, so I had to get something for land use. Don’t worry, it’s still rad.
I’m not usually one to brag, but I ride a wolf everywhere I go. Airbrushed on the sides? Wolves riding bears.
— Minister of Loneliness (@_steamy_mac) July 13, 2019
Actually, I’d like that last superlative stricken from the record.
If you use the word radical a lot, people will leave you alone.
— Lounge Fly (@mrjohntofu) July 19, 2019
As to your questions about where I got this sweet parasol that I’ve been carrying whether riding on my jet ski or my wolf, I’m going to have to plead the fifth.
Hey guys I lost my umbrella, let me know if you find it
— Karen D. Lioness (@DeadLioness) July 12, 2019
Most candidates promise to surround themselves with the best and brightest. Not me. I prefer to think of myself as more of an instigator.
Terrible decision. Continue.
— кєℓℓαℓєηα (@topaz_kell) June 9, 2019
Voters tend to like it when you go on the Arsenio Hall show and display some unexpected talent. That information isn’t useful for me.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit my job as a freelance jazz percussionist
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) July 11, 2019
That’s why I’m going to need you to go along with my plan. If you do, I’ll use my influence to get you an internship at Vandelay Industries.
If anyone asks any of you, I play the bass guitar, and I’m really good.
— Pasta Fazool (@chrisdowning) July 16, 2019
Some of you may be wondering what the point of all this is.
[Vague gesture] Marketing.
— Tippi Hedren Collider (@linanneblack) July 5, 2019
And for our next stop on the rubber chicken circuit.
The sounds of boots & spurs echoing across the pavement. It’s almost high noon at the Golden Corral.
— SummerCandyEyes (@SummerCandyEyes) June 29, 2019
Candidates like myself sacrifice so much while running for office. Just remember that we do it for others, and what we can do for to them, not for ourselves.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and right now it wants the blood of my enemies.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) June 29, 2019
Not that doing things for others isn’t a source of joy.
Plotting your own demise is never quite as fun
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) July 1, 2019
But when it comes to meeting foreign leaders, you can count on me to keep it real.
I do not bow. I do, however, acknowledge equals.
— The Happy Squirrel (@TheHappySquirrl) July 1, 2019
For you were made to be ruled!
i get it Loki I’m not evil I’m just misunderstood too
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) July 17, 2019
I’m just here to police the world.
— Cat From Nowhe®e (@kv8) July 11, 2019
Just kidding, I’m very effervescent.
Whenever someone calls me ebullient, I have to stop and think if I’ve just been insulted.
— C. A. Guardiola (@C_A_Guardiola) July 7, 2019
And respectful of social norms.
Such a polite blood bath.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) July 14, 2019
Also, I’m a trendsetter.
one time my dad accidentally burned down the kiwanis club when he tried to deep fry a whole elk for president’s day. then, he did it again on christmas
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) July 23, 2019
I get this a lot.
Oh my God, you’re him! The cynosure of all my wine drenched dolor. Anguish & ardor. The flesh of scintillation – brute, muscular intention. Anagogic whispers made badinage. Candid & tender. A rapacious ghost summoned to raze my hermetic ecstasy. Oh, you’re not him? Well fuck.
— ANAÏS NINJA (@michikoconuts) June 22, 2019
I feel your pain, as I also don’t feel the water.
Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 9, 2019
Anyway, let’s focus and, no, I’m not talking about the butterfly.
Day one as monarch of the universe I’m removing unrhyming words from every language, comprehensively
— Buddawiggi (@MarkBuckawicki) July 18, 2019
I have other linguistic strategies, as well.
I will end a sentence with a preposition just to spite you.
— Ironballs McGinty (@IronballsMcGinT) July 14, 2019
And you know where those strategies lead? No, something else altogether.
surprise, i’m moving into your crawl space
— Your Gilded Lily (@ahatonahat) July 13, 2019
I’m betting that 99.9% of the people who “died doing what they love” did not want to die doing what they love.
— Johnny Two Balls (@LooptyBoo) June 24, 2019
Because, gentle voters, like you, I’m not going out like this.
I’m really sorry, I’m afraid I won’t be able to Wang Chung tonight after all.
— Elena Lifewaster Jr. (@elunatyk) July 24, 2019
He’s canvassing or something, Dan.
I’m not sure what activity this odd, portly fellow at the Y is here for, dressed in a white t-shirt, slacks, and loafers, but I sure hope it’s not to swim.
— RunwayDan (@RunwayDan) July 7, 2019
Me, too. Why don’t they try a jet ski?
When people act a little funny I assume they’re kayakers.
— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) July 4, 2019
I prefer the term passionate, but I’ll take it.
Dramatic, like a volcanic eruption.
— V (@Inferno_V) July 5, 2019
This isn’t the best slogan, but it’s workable.
Some people come into your life so unexpectedly and ruin everything
— Tony™ 🐜🍯 (@tsm560) July 18, 2019
Any money you send won’t be squandered on frivolous things. Fiscal responsibility starts with my campaign, so far as you know.
Loving this vintage toothbrush I picked up at at a local consignment shop. I just cleaned it with a little water. Reuse recycle.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) July 6, 2019
Because I’ve made a decision. There’s no need for me to end, or even suspend, my campaign just yet. I have my reasons.
By popular demand, for now.
— Ricardo ‘Rich’ Cromwell (@rcromwell4) August 31, 2017
For the story that’s left to be told is epic and hopefully lucrative. Also, thank you?
In the movie of my life your part will be played by Scarlett Johanssen
— JEFF NEWTON (@yonewt) July 14, 2019
Conventional candidates drive cars, American models only, and take planes. They definitely don’t travel around on wolves and jet skis. But I am not a conventional candidate, I’m a “legitimate” one. I’m a ball of cobras, tirelessly and selflessly looking to spread my message and bring power to the people, leveraging partnerships for the goals.
For at the end of the day, when I remember to use the object form, us is a powerful force in the U.S. You can’t even spell U.S. without us. And if that doesn’t work, there are other acceptable outcomes.
This is going to make me feel really smart or really stupid or really mad. I’ll roll that dice.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) July 23, 2019