You want to be smarter, stronger, faster. You want to dominate in ways heretofore unseen. You want to be a master of the universe. A mover. A shaker. An envied and admired taste-maker. One whose mere presence causes coconuts to fall out of trees.
You want the world to be your oyster—unless you are allergic to shellfish or possess poor tastes that cause you to turn your nose up at cold, delicious mollusks on the half shell—rather than paddling along on the freeway. You want reasons to remember that it is your world, regardless of the shellfish situation, and that you can use a cliched metaphor if you want.
Friend, what if I told you all that you desire is at your fingertips? What if I were to share that there are two types of bears in the world, ones who are scaredy cats and ones who are ferocious, like wolves? What if right now, you could be a wolf bear and make one phone call, send a couple of emails, do a few Google searches, fill out some forms, send more emails, set up a phony post office box, and realize your dreams?
Because you can. All that’s standing between you and a better version of you is one simple thing: identity theft. And you can get started today. Contact one of our advisors to start the process of becoming the best you you can be, albeit with a new name, Social Security number, and maybe a wig.
Operators are standing by.
No one has stolen my identity yet and I’m starting to take it personally
— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) July 18, 2018
First, you’ll need a computer and access to the Internet. This is less complicated than it sounds.
Give me back my AOL installation disk, you fucker.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) July 24, 2018
Before we move on, let’s cover the legal stuff so the lawyers don’t hassle us.
This conversation may be monitored and recorded for later dramatic reenactment.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) July 18, 2018
Back to the exciting possibilities.
Yeah well did MacGyver ever improvise & use a regular pillowcase as a substitute for the microfiber hair towels he forgot were in the laundry? No he did not.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) July 23, 2018
Really endless possibilities. Do you suffer from this?
Your first mistake was assuming I’m a good pronouncerer.
— J™ (@CommonSavant) July 13, 2018
Don’t want to be MacGyver or a good pronouncer? Then dominate on the field of battle.
I only go for the jugular when it counts. Like at shuffleboard.
— Tony™ 🐜🍯 (@tsm560) July 19, 2018
If dominating the cabana isn’t your angle, there are other options.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 27, 2018
Make this your reality and live your truth.
Sorry I got nervous and lied about being an extra in 2 of the Harry Potter movies.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) July 18, 2018
Forget this day ever happened. Instead, turn it into a moment of conquest.
it is a lovely day to trek through a woody meadow, until- – deer attack! their razor sharp hooves slicing you to ribbons
— taffy bennington ◬ (@singwithTaffy) July 6, 2018
This day can also be undone. Geese are an automatic Mulligan, with no charge to your account.
At first I didn’t want legs made of croutons but then I started to see the benefits.
Until that day in Goose Park.
— Cat From Nowhe®e (@kv8) July 24, 2018
If you’re curious about this option, don’t be. It’s not an option. Some things have to be left to the universe.
Getting killed by a big ass eagle would be a really metal way to die
— Böb Mako Shark Jänke (@Bob_Janke) November 5, 2014
This, though, is extremely doable.
I need a nemesis. You’re never really the best you that you can be without a nemesis.
— RunwayDan (@RunwayDan) July 24, 2018
If you find yourself unmoved at this point, stay on the line. Magic is about to happen.
Operator: This is your last chance to hang up, before Sussudio starts playing in a classical arrangement.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) July 25, 2018
We can help with this, too.
At this point, I’m just trying to get myself put on as many watchlists as possible.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) June 20, 2018
What can you expect from our service? Here’s one thing.
I like to use “goodly amount” when describing quantity because people kind of get what I mean and kind of don’t.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) June 26, 2018
A sun bonnet, an air horn, & thee.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) September 13, 2017
First, though, we’re gonna have to stop you right there.
today’s zen koan: did you pronounce “applicable” right
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) June 14, 2018
Death by big ass eagle? Again, sorry that’s not available. This, though, is on the menu. Think of it like you would think about specifying how hot you want your Thai food.
Wrath. Wrathier. Wrathiest.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) July 1, 2018
Not all ideas have to be grand. Big or small, we’re here for you.
If you pretend it’s a screaming robot you push around, vacuuming is actually kind of fun.
— Pasta Fazool (@chrisdowning) July 2, 2018
Mostly we’re here for you. Some restrictions apply.
The moral of the story is don’t lick the floor.
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) July 10, 2018
Some might question what we’re offering here. Dr. Malcolm in “Jurassic Park,” for example. Fortunately for us, he’s on our list of banned fictional characters, so limitations arising from chaos theory do not apply.
Hold on I’ve gotta go tempt fate.
— LTB (@_Tempo11) July 12, 2018
Because if it’s danger you seek, we’ve got danger. With a side of homemaking.
“I learned to crochet in prison… Now you say something.”
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) September 8, 2016
Has this happened to you? Erase it with our comprehensive program.
Woke up in a bath tub full of ice again today.
— V (@Inferno_V) July 13, 2018
At this point, your level of enthusiasm may be off the charts. We also offer various means of dialing it back down a notch, like sensory deprivation chambers, games of Uno, and refreshments.
why does the smell of toast put you in an awesome mood
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) July 24, 2018
While we offer a portal to a new you, some geographical limits and pre-existing conditions apply. For help with those issues, please call our real estate division.
ME [sliding off my porch couch and leaping over my front yard fridge onto the roof of an inoperable vehicle]: homeowner’s association complaint?!
— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) July 25, 2018
We may not be licensed, bonded, or insured, but we do offer the finest in medical care our local printing company offers.
I don’t mean to pedantic but I’d like to speak to a real doctor. Not a cardboard cut out.
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) July 23, 2018
What if you could be Bob Ross instead? We’ll just call it a happy accident.
Sometimes late at night, I just lie there and wonder how Bob Ross felt about weeping willows.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) July 20, 2018
Perhaps. The important thing is that you’re still here.
I think you’re full of it, but at least you’re enthusiastic about it.
— Beth (@mejustbeth) July 18, 2018
And wait, there’s more!
When someone takes a near fatal fall down a flight of stairs everyone forgets the first couple of seconds were pretty funny.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) July 25, 2018
And we match your new identity with your pre-existing peeves.
Your decision to press or not press the crosswalk button will determine the success of our relationship.
— Johnny Two Balls (@LooptyBoo) July 11, 2018
Eh, we’ll allow it.
So in review, spreading awareness: good. Name calling: bad.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) June 9, 2018
This too. We might be able to facilitate it. Maybe. We shouldn’t say more, but don’t forget to request to turn it up to 11 when picking out your package.
you never really hear about people spontaneously combusting anymore
— now what (@jaimiealley) July 7, 2018
That doesn’t mean there can’t be another.
There are soooo many mattress kings.
— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) June 29, 2018
For this, we’d probably look to placing you in the position of a camp counselor. Preferably something on a lake.
My mating call is the sound of a lone chainsaw in the night.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) June 26, 2018
Okay, but the thing is, you could also have laser eyes.*
*Laser eyes not actually an option, but don’t let that inhibit your imagination. Unless you’re imagining robots, which we don’t know why you’d think robots would be an option.
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) June 25, 2018
Silverware drawers are available through our premium packages. Register online with our dark web shopping assistant.
Have you given up on life? Cause I looked at your silverware drawer today.
— Type O-Meg (@Now200Meg) July 15, 2018
Give up the regret and embrace your destiny. You’re Jane Fonda now.
That awkward ‘80s moment when you wore your mom’s workout leotard to the pool.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) July 3, 2018
While we don’t offer time travel to go back and stop the inventor of carbonation, we also can’t help with this.
I don’t always remember to “Shake Well Before Opening”, but when I do, it’s carbonated and I shouldn’t have done that
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) July 7, 2018
In some instances, surveillance will fall under your purview. But don’t worry, we offer complimentary training seminars!
*sits one seat away from you on the empty bus*
— fightgeek (@fightgeek) July 24, 2018
Now let’s hear a few words from a satisfied customer.
Keep doing what you’re doing my plan is falling into place perfectly.
— Sardonic Tart 🇮🇹 (@SardonicTart) June 19, 2018
Here’s another participant who completed the entire program. (Those strawberries are ripe, too, which is an added benefit of our proven system.)
While at the grocery store, a delightfully jovial octogenarian made small talk about my strawberries, still got it [snaps]
— Buddawiggi (@MarkBuckawicki) June 20, 2018
Oh, but you can.
Why can’t we solve everything with a hair band love ballad?
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) July 25, 2018
Or when you are a certain almond farmer. He may be looking for an out, anyway.
You’re never alone when you have a lip brow like Tom Selleck
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) July 26, 2018
Sometimes you will be required to deploy evasive measures. Don’t worry, we’ll help. All you have to do is enroll in our Ultra Super Mega Premium Program.
Oh, you’re a conspiracy theorist just like me? Who the fuck sent you?
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) July 23, 2018
At this point you may be asking yourself what the actual name of our program is or why we only have a P.O. box registered to one Miguel Sanchez or why our legal counsel’s name is Santos L. Halper. Those are excellent questions, but trust us when we say you won’t be needing them in your new life.
Instead, dare to dream, to let your imagination soar, as though you have some form of moving air beneath your wings. All you have to do is send Mr. Sanchez the information packet with all your personally identifiable information and head off into your new life, the one in which you’re a ninja, apparently.*
*Counselor Halper advises that we do not yet have the capability to steal a ninja’s identity and that this is a dramatic reenactment of a case in which a client ended up with a bathrobe with a dragon on it, but don’t worry, we have a guy working on making the actual ninja thing a reality.
one time in 1995 steven seagal blessed my nunchucks with a can of mountain dew in the tower records parking lot
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) July 26, 2018