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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 114

By: Rich Cromwell
10 min read
Jeff Turner / Flickr

A new you is out there waiting, although you may need a disguise.

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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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You want to be smarter, stronger, faster. You want to dominate in ways heretofore unseen. You want to be a master of the universe. A mover. A shaker. An envied and admired taste-maker. One whose mere presence causes coconuts to fall out of trees.

You want the world to be your oyster—unless you are allergic to shellfish or possess poor tastes that cause you to turn your nose up at cold, delicious mollusks on the half shell—rather than paddling along on the freeway. You want reasons to remember that it is your world, regardless of the shellfish situation, and that you can use a cliched metaphor if you want.

Friend, what if I told you all that you desire is at your fingertips? What if I were to share that there are two types of bears in the world, ones who are scaredy cats and ones who are ferocious, like wolves? What if right now, you could be a wolf bear and make one phone call, send a couple of emails, do a few Google searches, fill out some forms, send more emails, set up a phony post office box, and realize your dreams?

Because you can. All that’s standing between you and a better version of you is one simple thing: identity theft. And you can get started today. Contact one of our advisors to start the process of becoming the best you you can be, albeit with a new name, Social Security number, and maybe a wig.

Operators are standing by.


First, you’ll need a computer and access to the Internet. This is less complicated than it sounds.


Before we move on, let’s cover the legal stuff so the lawyers don’t hassle us.


Back to the exciting possibilities.


Really endless possibilities. Do you suffer from this?


Don’t want to be MacGyver or a good pronouncer? Then dominate on the field of battle.


If dominating the cabana isn’t your angle, there are other options.


Make this your reality and live your truth.


Forget this day ever happened. Instead, turn it into a moment of conquest.


This day can also be undone. Geese are an automatic Mulligan, with no charge to your account.


If you’re curious about this option, don’t be. It’s not an option. Some things have to be left to the universe.


This, though, is extremely doable.


If you find yourself unmoved at this point, stay on the line. Magic is about to happen.


We can help with this, too.


What can you expect from our service? Here’s one thing.


Also this.


First, though, we’re gonna have to stop you right there.


Death by big ass eagle? Again, sorry that’s not available. This, though, is on the menu. Think of it like you would think about specifying how hot you want your Thai food.


Not all ideas have to be grand. Big or small, we’re here for you.


Mostly we’re here for you. Some restrictions apply.


Some might question what we’re offering here. Dr. Malcolm in “Jurassic Park,” for example. Fortunately for us, he’s on our list of banned fictional characters, so limitations arising from chaos theory do not apply.


Because if it’s danger you seek, we’ve got danger. With a side of homemaking.


Has this happened to you? Erase it with our comprehensive program.


At this point, your level of enthusiasm may be off the charts. We also offer various means of dialing it back down a notch, like sensory deprivation chambers, games of Uno, and refreshments.


While we offer a portal to a new you, some geographical limits and pre-existing conditions apply. For help with those issues, please call our real estate division.


We may not be licensed, bonded, or insured, but we do offer the finest in medical care our local printing company offers.


What if you could be Bob Ross instead? We’ll just call it a happy accident.


Perhaps. The important thing is that you’re still here.


And wait, there’s more!


And we match your new identity with your pre-existing peeves.


Eh, we’ll allow it.


This too. We might be able to facilitate it. Maybe. We shouldn’t say more, but don’t forget to request to turn it up to 11 when picking out your package.


That doesn’t mean there can’t be another.


For this, we’d probably look to placing you in the position of a camp counselor. Preferably something on a lake.


Okay, but the thing is, you could also have laser eyes.*

*Laser eyes not actually an option, but don’t let that inhibit your imagination. Unless you’re imagining robots, which we don’t know why you’d think robots would be an option.


Silverware drawers are available through our premium packages. Register online with our dark web shopping assistant.


Give up the regret and embrace your destiny. You’re Jane Fonda now.


While we don’t offer time travel to go back and stop the inventor of carbonation, we also can’t help with this.


In some instances, surveillance will fall under your purview. But don’t worry, we offer complimentary training seminars!


Now let’s hear a few words from a satisfied customer.


Here’s another participant who completed the entire program. (Those strawberries are ripe, too, which is an added benefit of our proven system.)


Oh, but you can.


Or when you are a certain almond farmer. He may be looking for an out, anyway.


Sometimes you will be required to deploy evasive measures. Don’t worry, we’ll help. All you have to do is enroll in our Ultra Super Mega Premium Program.


At this point you may be asking yourself what the actual name of our program is or why we only have a P.O. box registered to one Miguel Sanchez or why our legal counsel’s name is Santos L. Halper. Those are excellent questions, but trust us when we say you won’t be needing them in your new life.

Instead, dare to dream, to let your imagination soar, as though you have some form of moving air beneath your wings. All you have to do is send Mr. Sanchez the information packet with all your personally identifiable information and head off into your new life, the one in which you’re a ninja, apparently.*

*Counselor Halper advises that we do not yet have the capability to steal a ninja’s identity and that this is a dramatic reenactment of a case in which a client ended up with a bathrobe with a dragon on it, but don’t worry, we have a guy working on making the actual ninja thing a reality.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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