There was a time before I was a “legitimate” candidate for president. As such, I should probably get ahead of some things. Back when I was just a normal plebeian, I was footloose and fancy free and following the advice of a sage known as Ice Cube. Cube advised us to take another sip of the potion and hit the three-wheel motion. This was advice I took to heart, although I did it creatively. I suppose you could say that even then, I was forward-thinking.
Whereas conventional wisdom said that true three-wheel motion was achieved with a car outfitted with hydraulics, I went for my own form of three-wheel motion. I’m not sure you could say I kept it real, and I wouldn’t either. What I kept it was authentic. In fact, I probably invented the concepts of authenticity and of being an influencer, and this was before the internet and social media existed.
See, what I did was get one of those adult tricycles, but one made like a kid’s tricycle. The little platform on the back was of great import. That little platform is where I took it to the next level. I had permanent three-wheel motion. That’s kind of the thing about tricycles. But I could go to two-wheel motion, and I could do it with style.
All I needed to make it happen‒besides the tricycle, of course‒was a gorilla. With a gorilla sidekick, I could do anything, including popping sick wheelies. There may have also been some hijinks.
my card counting gorilla Rex and I have a pretty cool heist planned for tomorrow so time to get some shut eye
— Bröther Böbby (@Bob_Janke) March 27, 2016
Obviously everything we did, hijinks included, was the right decision.
to learn a lesson you’d have to admit you were wrong, so I can see your dilemma
— now what (@jaimiealley) June 19, 2019
Because the thing was, Ice Cube’s advice wasn’t only about potions and three-wheel motion.
I’m gonna rap myself out of this mess.
— Henry 3000 (@Henry_3000) November 8, 2017
Not that George, as the gorilla was known, was a font of good decisions.
I’m like a personal trainer
But to help you exercise bad judgment
— Micah Martello (@SmartassChef) December 9, 2013
I mean, he couldn’t even pretend to talk, much less do any sign language. He mostly just pointed and grunted.
thinking of becoming a tank top guy
— JEFF NEWTON (@yonewt) June 17, 2019
There were times when it would have behooved us both for that not to be true.
My manager always laughs when I talk about burning things down and she probably shouldn’t.
— Lizard Queen (@ragbonehair) June 18, 2019
Especially since George couldn’t articulate just how Nixon-esque he was.
I don’t get angry. I make lists.
— Benny Rollins (@citizenkawala) June 16, 2019
Or how utterly awesome I was, I mean am.
I don’t have any delusions, I have grandeur
— Tony™ 🐜🍯 (@tsm560) June 15, 2019
A metric ton of grandeur.
Your doppelgänger is smoking in a chair and looking at you, waiting for the phone to ring to see who picks up first.
— C. A. Guardiola (@C_A_Guardiola) June 11, 2019
Whereas George, well he also had grandeur, if not great taste in music.
The Allman Brothers Band song I put on in 1997 is about halfway done, I think.
— Jurisdoc (@jurisdoc741) June 12, 2019
But also redeeming qualities.
Don’t join any team that doesn’t have a demolitions expert and a knife thrower. Just common sense.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) August 29, 2015
As well as a keen instinct for survival in any terrain.
Thanks to the tenets of land navigation drilled into me back in Cub Scouts, I can be dropped in the middle of any remote forest, sans compass, and never touch a single bite of shredded wheat, whilst I wandering aimlessly among the trees.
— Pussycat, PussyKat (@ROSEandDAYFIELD) June 9, 2019
There were never any nefarious plans. As to now, probably not?
Omnivorous, I whisper as I devour cities & town.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) June 12, 2019
As proof, allow me to digress.
I love U like stink loves apes. Like gorillas love mist. Like mist hates smooth hair. Like smooth heads love wigs. Like I love to complica..
— Cat From Nowhe®e (@kv8) March 22, 2013
And pick a pointless fight.
I challenge Justin Bieber to a spelling bee.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) June 10, 2019
Then retire, regroup, and refresh.
If something terrible happened to you and u need to calm your nerves I will fetch u a scotch on the rocks just as Florence Nightingale intended.
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) June 22, 2019
And recalibrate our plans. It’s all about retail politics, going door to door, being persistent.
They’ll give you all kinds of shit but squirrels secretly enjoy having visitors.
— Johnny Two Balls (@LooptyBoo) June 12, 2019
Being really, really persistent.
You have the gentle approach of an alligator.
— Pasta Fazool (@chrisdowning) June 20, 2019
But back to my origins, Ice Cube, and the aforementioned libation that goes alongside three, or in me and George’s case two, wheel motion.
my mixtape/homemade energy drink/love potion is guaranteed to make you fall in love, but you will lose your eyesight for up to five working days
— fightgeek (@fightgeek) June 22, 2019
If you’re going to have a good day, you have to hit the ground running or maybe floating.
Starting the day off right, as a sentient poison gas.
— Elena Lifewaster Jr. (@elunatyk) June 20, 2019
Also, be prepared.
You bring the sandwiches and I’ll bring the wire strippers.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) June 16, 2019
Especially be prepared since the 4th is nigh and I’m keeping it “real.”
Pull up a lawn chair, loser, we’re watching the dumpster fireworks tonight.
— Our Lady of Shipwrecked Souls (@miss_propriety) June 12, 2019
Anyway, back again to George and me. We were charming, especially verbally.
i can be fun at parties fuckface
— m (@mj312_) June 26, 2019
And we had goals.
not an early morning riser YET but my goal is “angel of the morning”
— her woke boots 🎲🎲 (@fuzzlime) June 21, 2019
Lofty goals, which we achieved and we can achieve.
Woke up as a beam of light for a change
— Stu, For Real (@StuForReal) June 23, 2019
Other goals were less lofty, but equally important.
Going to get my degree in UFOlogy once this ponytail finishes growing out.
— RunwayDan (@RunwayDan) June 22, 2019
While others still required lofting heavy objects.
We’re chucking rocks at streetlights tonight. Meet in the northwest corner of the CVS parking lot at 8:30. Bring rocks.
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) June 24, 2019
Some goals just got shoved to the side because priorities.
I’m sorry I can’t make it to your wedding. There’s a Bigfoot convention in town.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) June 14, 2019
Though we didn’t appreciate feedback. We were trailblazing and whatnot.
Someone called me out on my own bs today and gotta say, I’m not a fan.
— heather lou* stark (@heatherlou_) April 28, 2019
And keeping it real, and also filled with hate. Rich, delicious hate.
I’ll make butter out of geese if you give me enough time.
— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) May 30, 2019
Anyway, gaining followers back in those days was tough. We had to be persistent. (Also, George’s inability to articulate things and just point and grunt tended to scare people off.)
Please don’t run away, I think we might be kindred spirits.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) June 11, 2019
My propensity for jumping on tables wasn’t always appreciated.
Please take your endless energy and go away.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 23, 2019
But I was never not forward-thinkingly, even when I was discussing taking it back to the beginning.
How much longer until the word “rewind” can be removed from our vocabulary?
— Sparky (@crunchenhanced) May 1, 2019
It’s called “wind-swept” and it’s fabulous.
If Helena Bonham Carter never has to brush her hair, why should I?
— de la soulless (@delasoulless) September 16, 2017
It was like we were on a vacation. Sure, it was through East St. Louis in a Family Truckster, but it was still a vacation.
*me, riding my donkey through the menswear department at sears*
ah yes, smell the denim, dr. honkeysocks. just breathe the air in & smell the denim with all your might
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) June 22, 2019
Here’s a word, that while excellent, never comes up when it comes to George and me.
Corroborate is my favorite word in the English language. End of story
— kanye’s bhole (@bossy_bootz) June 14, 2019
Though we always had an escape plan.
Gather your loved ones close and pull the trap door lever
— Playboi Curtis (@catfishsexbot) June 26, 2019
And an entrance planned.
Undirected anger is the way to my heart.
— Jennifer “sloppy 6” Slopez (@JennSlowpez) June 21, 2019
Plus some back-up plans.
A reality show of me, 6 dirty martinis deep with a bogus resume, interviewing for jobs for which I’m grossly under qualified
— Shellenger (@shellenger) June 17, 2019
Always focused on building our network, even if we didn’t realize that George would mysteriously vanish while I mounted an exciting bid for La Casa Blanca. (That’s White House to you gringos.)
Look, I didn’t say you were dumb in your recommendation letter. If I remember correctly, I think my choice of words was “undercranialized”.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) June 23, 2019
Keep in mind that once I take up residence, you’re not welcome.
you wouldn’t want to stay at my house, mostly because I wouldn’t let you
— b. (@bwebster76) June 21, 2019
Maybe my inevitable quest started with this, back when I really connected with the youths.
Just won an imaginary dance contest with a tippy toe crane kick spin move if you’re looking for a monster to love
— Buddawiggi (@MarkBuckawicki) June 22, 2019
Especially as I was quiet like a bomb.
Delicate like a hand grenade.
— ArtfulNight (@ArtfulNight) June 22, 2019
Then I developed an ambitious platform and a common enemy upon which to focus.
Remember the Earth is our common enemy and is always trying to kill us.
— Ironballs McGinty (@IronballsMcGinT) June 23, 2019
Plus, my demise promises to be one that will be colorfully described.
At my funeral I’d like a trophy hunter smeared in blood to stand beside my coffin.
— Wondering (@stillwondering1) June 15, 2019
Though, I pledge to you, I will not go silent into that good night. No, I’ll vanish at a time which is convenient for me.
Grab your bag, baby-
We’re bugging out
— Yesterday Girl (@yesterdaygirly) June 7, 2019
Nor will I allow you to go gentle into that good night.
Go to bed, we’ve got nightmares to share.
— Moods (@doll_partzz) June 24, 2019
Particularly as I need an alibi.
We have a lot of explaining to do.
— Any Train (@Anytrain) June 9, 2019
Do not fret, though, for now is our time. We were born in a crucible, forged in flames, and are prepared for anything. You cannot faze us.
We were tempered in the fires of 1980s gelatin dessert culture.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) June 12, 2019
There is a chance that despite my ability to withstand gelatin desserts, I will not emerge victorious. You people, particularly those of you who vote, are a fickle bunch. It doesn’t help that my name isn’t on any ballots or that I somehow didn’t make it over whatever theoretical hurdle there was for the Democratic debates. Regardless, this is on you and your fickleness.
As to my potential allies/current foes, I have a pledge for you. While I am mostly unknown and not registering in any polls that don’t include fractions of zero, I can still be influential if and when I drop out of the race. Remember, I am an influencer. This offer is true even if you would rather decline it. I’m nothing if not giving.
I’ll write you a letter of recommendation whether you want me to or not.
— Ricardo ‘Rich’ Cromwell (@rcromwell4) June 15, 2017