Skip to content
Breaking News Alert Facebook Censors Media Who Criticize FBI's 'Deadly Force' Raid Against Trump

This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 124

Sure, I’ve probably got grassroots support, but I’m not in it for support. I’m in it for my own personal gain.


I’m not going to lie to y’all. It’s a crowded field and, thus far, my candidacy hasn’t gained much traction. Sure, I’ve probably got grassroots support, but I’m not in it for support. I’m in it for my own personal gain. As of this moment, I haven’t gotten much personal gain from running for president.

To put it more plainly, I’m talking cash. Online donations would also work, but I haven’t gotten any of those, either. Even checks would be acceptable. No one has even inquired about where to send me money and, frankly, it’s a little disheartening given how easy it is to give people money thanks to the internet.

I’m not a quitter, though. No, I’m going to see this through, at least until I get distracted and move onto something else. For now, though, I’m still about being the most “legitimate” candidate out there. I still promise to be a voice for all of America, at least all of America that agrees with me.

Together, we‒”we” being defined as whatever percentage of the populace thinks I deserve money and to sit in the White House‒can still make a difference. We can prove that there are no red states or blue states and that there are only smart states and stupid ones.

The choice is yours. Do you want to be a citizen of a smart state or a stupid one? Message me now for info on how to put your money where your mouth is. I’ll even get some stickers or something made up that you can put on your cars to announce to the world that you are one of the enlightened ones. Don’t hesitate. Operators are standing by.

Before calling, though, make sure to have your name, Social Security number, bank account, and credit card info, and probably a copy of your birth certificate standing by. The operators standing by will need those items.

For those who are still unswayed, I have something to tell you.

Maybe I’m talking about more wars, maybe I’m talking about the creative variety. Just go with whichever iteration your heart yearns for.

If we meet out on the campaign trail and you don’t like what I had to say, it wasn’t me.

But also know that I will sacrifice myself for you, assuming there’s money involved, no matter how harrowing the situation.

If I sense that defeat is impending, I’ve got a strategy for that, too.

Being president requires believing in yourself. Some may even say it requires one to be egotistical. Either way, I’m covered.

You know, I was maybe a little simplistic earlier. Raw personal gain isn’t all I’m after. I have other goals.

You can hear more about these goals in lengthy online screeds, or you can donate enough to get me on one of the debate stages.

Touché, though I have a response.

When I say copy me, I mean by muddying the waters of failure and allowing me to rise above the scrum. I’ve got to dare to dream. America deserves nothing less.

Unrealistic promises? Like I said, dare to offer nothing less.

Although I’m aiming for the debate stage, I don’t eschew modern media. I will use it with a vengeance.

Well, mostly with a vengeance.

And with a smattering of insane promises to match the unrealistic ones. For example, some garnishes need to go.

Challenge me on these and I’ll respond.

Because what you deserve in a candidate isn’t a spotless record, but someone who keeps it real.

Pausing for a moment, I may have found my official campaign musician. We the people don’t demand clarity, but meandering.

While I embrace new media, I don’t discount the classics. Much like my official musician, though he really needs to work on his rendition of “St. Stephen.”

What’s my raison d’être? Well…

Also, things like this.

And filling the White House with only the best, until I get distracted, which I may have mentioned I’m wont to do.

There will be some unfortunate purges.

One thing I won’t do is promise to fix anything. I think there’s a famous quote from a former president about that. Don’t quote me on that.

Whether on the campaign trail or the debate stage, if I’m caught in a compromising position, I’ve got a solution. And the obfuscation to go with that solution.

In addition to unrealistic ideas and impractical solutions, I’ll also throw in some workable ones. They promise to upset everyone.

And to be inspirational in entirely realistic ways.

Although I will speak loudly, even if I can’t presently find my stick.

I won’t bilk the taxpayers unnecessarily, either.

I may seek to recover certain damages, though.

It’s okay if you don’t want to have a beer with me. I’m seeking your cash, and maybe your votes, not trying to host a cookout.

On this, you have my word.

Plus, to reiterate, the whole “with a vengeance” thing.

For I am not one of those emo public figures that have become so prominent as of late.

Rather, I’m an enigma wrapped inside a riddle housed inside a Tootsie Roll Pop.

Also, though.

Although do take this literally.

For I have fancy plans, and destructive tools to match.

Plus lots of colloquialisms.

With a firm grip on sartorial sensibilities.

And more colloquialisms.

I realize this stump speech, of the written variety, is dragging on. I’m somewhat sorry.

It’s just that I’m passionate and I have an internet connection.

In any case, it’s almost time for my unprepared remarks to come to a close.

Because while this may be true, operators are still standing by. I need funding to really make this pop.

For I am one of you.

Like really one of you.

And to reiterate one of my slogans, because that’s what the TED Talk I’ve been looking to for pointers recommends because it lends authenticity:

But also.

Because it’s not just about building a movement, but also the aforementioned r’aison d’être.

I promise not to change my name again.

In any election season, there will be losers. While there’s a solid chance I’ll technically be one of them, I can be a winner in the process. Not with a participation trophy or anything lame like that, unless it’s filled with cash, but in the sense of fomenting real change that gives people a reason to yell at each other on the internet.

Sure, actual real change would be theoretically better, but this isn’t about reality, but daring to dream some more. And if that isn’t your bag, please try to remember that this is about me.