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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 103

By: Rich Cromwell
11 min read

As 99 navigated between pieces of gym equipment, various props, and a giant box of toothpicks, he noticed the comic’s veiny biceps and bright red hair.

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Rich Cromwell
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Sandoz and Alan fled the scene, feeling upbeat thanks to the cheerful teller. Leaping over the bushes separating the sidewalk from the parking lot, they dove into the Fiero Dukes-of-Hazzard-style and 99 floored it. Fortunately, there were no sirens. Apparently, the cheerful teller hadn’t bothered to hit the alarm button. The lesson? If you’re going to rob a bank, do so when the person on the alarm is finishing up her last day on the job.

Less fortunate was the fact a comic was putting on some sort of performance piece along their escape route. Even more unfortunate was that it was neither funny nor entertaining. As 99 navigated between pieces of gym equipment, various props, and a giant box of toothpicks, he noticed the comic’s veiny biceps and bright red hair. Of all days to run into Carrot Top, this had to be the worst, not that any other day would’ve been much better.

Nevertheless, he made his way through the obstacle course with only mild damage to the toothpicks, which greatly improved Carrot Top’s performance, before launching off an invisible ramp, Dukes-of-Hazzard-style. The car landed on a road that would lead them out of town.

Having safely put distance between themselves and the bank, 99 slowed the car down to a semi-legal speed and actually stopped at a red light. It was then that he realized he’d forgotten to instruct Sandoz and Alan on everything they were supposed to grab in the bank.


The light turned green and 99 looked in the rearview mirror before hitting the gas. Carrot Top was running down the middle of the street. 99 wasn’t sure if it was to give thanks or curses, so he rolled down the window and yelled before peeling out.


Tires screeching, an image appeared before them.


In any case, they seemed to have lost the prop comic, but they knew, deep down, that he might still be hot on their tail.


Turning onto an old two-lane highway, the found themselves behind a bus. Not wanting to go too slowly, 99 pulled into the left lane and passed it. Alan and Sandoz noticed a bizarre man sitting in one of the seats.


Sandoz made a proposal.


Alan and 99 both looked at her and nodded. Alan responded, “Sure, a burger sounds great, but it might be awhile before we find a joint on this road.” Sandoz scowled at them both.


99 was distracted by something else altogether.


At least he was wearing the proper accessories.


And had a destination in mind, a place they could regroup and plan their next steps.


Upon hearing this, Sandoz and Alan could offer only one response.


So, he continued.


As it was getting late, the trio decided to stop for the night and finish their journey to the volcano base in the morning.


They may have had a little too much wine and not enough evidence to burn.


They did make sure their campground was safe before the wine.


They didn’t, however, wait to discuss strategies for the following morning before the wine.


After cleaning up, because they really didn’t want to leave a trace, they headed back out. That’s when 99 noticed something at one of the other campsites.


Back in traffic, they noticed something odd in the car next to them.


That’s when they heard the thud of something—no, someone landing atop their car. It was Carrot Top. Alas, standing wasn’t a good strategy because he had no grip, so 99 just floored it again and sent him tumbling into the road. 99 yelled out the window again.


Arriving at their volcano base, those plans from the night before began to reveal themselves as they noticed their entire private army had replaced their helmets with toupees. Alan turned his head and whistled, as though he had no clue who had made this decision.


The three stood silently, trying to figure out where the helmets had gone. That’s when a particularly spirited soldier broke out in song. They forgot what they were thinking about.


The soldier just kept going.


Then she made a helpful suggestion.


They decided maybe mobilizing a private army to rob car washes was a tad extreme and tempered their plans accordingly. Alan still hadn’t gotten that burger they’d discussed the day before.


The first restaurant they passed didn’t offer burgers, but there was too much going on in the parking lot anyway.


Sandoz attempted to doze.


It didn’t go well, for soon a cop car came roaring up behind them. Only it wasn’t the police, it was Carrot Top. 99 began evasive movements, but took a wrong turn and ended up in a cul de sac. The Fiero slid to a stop.


The four emerged from their cars, but the trio had an unlikely ally. No, it wasn’t their army; it was a mom taking back-to-school photos and not happy about the return of the alarm clock.


Sensing the futility of his attempts at revenge, Carrot Top gave up and offered a vague excuse for stealing a cruiser and tracking them down.


The trio decided they needed a new ride, beloved as their Fiero was. Fortunately, there’s always that one house on the highway and Alan is a skilled mechanic.


That house had a party going on, which made it easier to blend in. Plus there was an old Land Cruiser which, predictably, started as though it were brand new.


That’s when I popped out of a topiary and said hello.


The trio set back out. The party was getting a little out of hand.


Like really out of hand.


Plus 99 was worried about this.


He didn’t need to worry.


Especially as the terminator, while at the party, had changed his mission.


But then this guy got going and they knew it was time to leave.


The sky grew dark and ominous with that proclamation. 99 punched it and, again, yelled out the window, even though Carrot Top was nowhere to be seen.


Not that it mattered, they had a new plan.


Well, a mildly altered plan.


And the tools they needed to achieve it.


99 cranked up the stereo. Where they were going needed a soundtrack.


And where were they going? Somewhere out of this world.


Not that they had much hope of finding the lost sock. They were replete with toupees, though.


And some loose plans for the night.


Off they went, the Land Cruiser kicking up dust as they vacated the yard and headed toward destinations unknown, except for deciding it needed to be somewhere that offered a weather balloon. As they headed down the highway, they passed an unlicensed zoo. Standing out front, there was a giraffe with zebra stripes. It transfixed Sandoz, though her mind started to cloud.
The giraffe slowly morphed from animal to computer screen and back again. Then she realized she’d drifted off while her computer decided to install 284 Windows updates. It was the middle of the afternoon, after all, so an ideal time for a plethora of updates. Nevertheless, she was definitely not in a Land Cruiser looking at a bizarre giraffe.

It was then that her boss walked up and asked a question. She thought about recounting the bizarre dream of escapades and talking dogs, but decided against it, especially as there was a St. Bernard roaming the parking lot.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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