To make the perfect quiche, you’ll need a few things. An apron. A windbreaker. A gas leak. Don’t worry that the list doesn’t make sense yet. It will.
According to Wikipedia, the repository of all collective human knowledge, quiche is a “savory open flan consisting of a pastry crust filled with eggs, milk, or cream, and cheese, meat, seafood, or vegetables.” What it doesn’t mention is bongos, but to do so would give the site colitis. Truth has its limits, especially when it comes to bongos.
The untold story started in 1975, when an early master popped a mint in his mouth and said to himself “Namaste, fellow bicycle jousters.” Then, he packed his bags and headed off to Singapore, armed with subterfuge. As it was written, “It is good to carry some powdered rouge in one’s sleeve. It may happen that when one is sobering up or waking from sleep, a samurai’s complexion may be poor. At such a time it is good to take out and apply some powdered rouge.”
Before the rouge, but after the first stages subterfuge, he had to catch a bus. This was where things started to go seemingly wrong, but actually oh so right.
Ladies and gentlemen, I know the bus has broken down but everybody can relax I have my bongos.
— Böb Jänke: the Ayatollah of Rock N Rolla (@Bob_Janke) December 29, 2015
Really right.
I won’t be truly happy until i’m fighting with everyone in the world.
— Elisabeth (@YourMomsucksTho) January 2, 2019
Fortunately, escape was possible. It may have required creative jousting.
there aren’t too many problems my wire cutters can’t solve
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) January 30, 2019
And other extreme measures.
I’m going to throw axes. Just another thing you should worry about.
— de la soulless (@delasoulless) January 18, 2019
Though it didn’t actually require a ton of effort.
I have a can-do attitude with a didn’t-do performance record.
— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) January 30, 2019
The opposition wasn’t exactly throwing up its A game.
Your Magic Amber Axe Body Spray has no power here, Gandalf.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) January 18, 2019
Even if it was noisy.
I’ve decided I’m going to be a harbinger. I don’t know of what yet, but when I decide, I am going to harbinge the shit out of it.
— Philosopher king (iOS 4.6) (@signalborder) January 29, 2019
And filled with uncertainty.
I’m always afraid I’ll die in my sleep and not even get to enjoy it.
— Tony™ (@tsm560) January 29, 2019
But also filled with opportunities.
It’s hard to not barge in and give the neighbors fighting tips. I could make them so much better.
— Cat From Nowhe®e (@kv8) January 27, 2019
Though some things were certain.
In the 80’s everyone wore shoulder pads. Everyone. There was no one there to stop us.
— ANAÏS NINJA (@michikoconuts) January 2, 2019
Other things were uncertain.
Anyone know where I can locate some business wasps?
— MandyKerr (@MandyKerr) January 28, 2019
Like really uncertain.
if I’m waving a battle ax there’s a 99% chance that I’m drunk
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) January 25, 2019
On the other hand, there was a certain clarity to it all. Quiche and bongos don’t just happen, at least not without a little heat.
Why use a chainsaw when you can burn people at the stake.
— V (@Inferno_V) January 26, 2019
So anyway, we were baking and composing. Our windbreakapron guarding us. Maybe we should have gone with chainmail.
one time a girl stabbed me with a steak knife. but, when i think about it, she was a pretty angry person to begin with
— fightgeek (@fightgeek) January 24, 2019
On the other other hand, purpose is purpose.
wanted: raison d’être
— Your Gilded Lily (@ahatonahat) January 25, 2019
On the other other other hand, we’re not getting out that easily.
A carwash would be a great murder location, but a terrible murder weapon.
— RunwayDan (@RunwayDan) January 24, 2019
And not just because of this.
You’re this season’s protagonist.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) January 17, 2019
Plus we are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
Up early today to get a jump on the misery.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 17, 2017
Which necessarily precedes being calculating.
if you ever make me enter a hot air balloon for fun I WILL push you out
— Her Very Very Serious Boots (@fuzzlime) January 22, 2019
And also being cautious.
I’m glad you fear me. That’s your instinct for self-preservation we were talking about.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) January 19, 2015
Mindful.
Kinda into ravens now. They hold grudges.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) January 6, 2019
Brand-conscious.
hey this scarf is keeping my pretentiousness warm so shaddap
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) January 4, 2019
Untraceable.
“New year, new me,” I announce, before burning off my fingerprints.
— Spence (@SpenceDen) December 27, 2018
Something elseless? Where were we? Oh yeah, we were forming a drum circle.
Follow your heart, because why not follow something with an insatiable appetite for blood.
— Nicken Drumsticks (@beefman138) January 30, 2019
Though not a welcoming one.
My neighbors don’t seem thrilled with my moat.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) January 24, 2019
At least not welcoming to those unprepared for our message. This is kind of like a bongo beat, after all. And a 1, and a 2, and a 3…
Goals for this year:
1.
2.
3. Shut the fuck up more— kanye’s bhole (@bossy_bootz) January 3, 2019
As is this.
Undressing the apocalypse but there’s one last layer and I’ll leave that to you
— Tree of Lєαƒ (@Elfhood_) January 27, 2019
Never zag when you can … well, you know.
Zig Ziglar’s brother Zag was a total fuck up
— Johnny Two Balls (@LooptyBoo) January 2, 2019
Man, it’s a mimosa. We are making quiche.
i ain’t drinking no hemlock fuck off
— J™ (@CommonSavant) January 26, 2019
But, like, a really badass one.
Which came first, the mullet and transition lenses or the fascination with snakes
— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) January 1, 2019
Also one destined to fall? Cave in? I don’t really know what happens when a quiche goes wrong.
I run a tight shipwreck.
— . (@miss_propriety) January 30, 2019
Regardless, this may be a contributing factor.
LIFE HACK: Working from home is less lonely when you’re haunted by a child ghost
— Lara Frumperstall (@underalls) January 14, 2019
Not that that’s a bad thing.
See the thing is, I like a little chaos.
— Cats Against Humanity (@CatsVsHumanity) January 19, 2019
Wait for the sequel.
No one has mountain strongholds with cool secret entrances anymore.
— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) January 13, 2019
To be fair, you are on a bus playing bongos and transporting a quiche. This encounter is expected.
Whenever I run into a celebrity in real life, no matter who it is, I scream, “Oh my god, Kenny Loggins.” They get pretty mad but a least we’ve had a real moment.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) January 24, 2019
It’s just like that movie about being on a bus playing bongos while transporting a quiche and you can’t go slower than 88 mph. You’re in the danger zone, and people want to be there with you.
Unless you’re Kenny Loggins, you’re no Twitter influencer to me.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) January 24, 2019
First, though, you need fuel. Then, danger zone.
We buy only organic breakfast cereals. If you speak their names reverently in a Jacques Cousteau accent PBS sends out a team to film a documentary
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) January 29, 2019
Also, proper pronunciation. Then, danger zone.
Pronounce the word ‘penchant’ by projecting your disdain for yourself and all humanity through your nose.
— Ironwalls McGinty (@IronballsMcGinT) January 16, 2019
It may be slowly passing you by, but still a danger zone.
The Aztec god of death moving briskly on a Segway down Constitution Avenue.
— Wondering (@stillwondering1) January 11, 2019
Fine, but right now we have bigger issues to worry about. Like this bus, which at this moment can be best described with ‘careening.’
Defend my good name?
Pfft..I never had a good name to begin with.— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) January 3, 2019
I mean, what part of careening quiche bongo bus led you to think this could be reduced to one?
I have time for one shenanigan, make it quick.
— K∀RL∀ IN VT (@karlainvt) September 20, 2018
Regardless, let’s keep our eye on the prize.
My get rich reallllly slow scheme is working perfectly
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) December 17, 2018
Okay, this is sage advice. Let the bus roll on, the wind whipping around us, though thankfully we have those windbreakers.
First things first, flee the jurisdiction.
— Be The Cookie (@BeTheCookie) January 7, 2019
From a seeming distance, the theme song fades in.
[Lana Del Rey lyric generator] grilled cheese moon under midnight frosted tips of heaven awakening young girls heart in ivory sullen worn out world garbage cans full of dead flowers burning in the winters of our love
[track 2]
Pentatonic scales of sunset under a dystopian drea— . (@flowersofmyself) November 18, 2018
For thanks to a gas leak, which will force this thing to come to a crescendo, this is happening.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
— Katie Didn’t (@Pork_Chop_Hair) May 3, 2018
The key to a really good quiche is the crust. This requires you to make it by hand and that probably involves a rolling pin. At least, I assume it does. To be honest, I’ve never made a quiche, but I know a flaky crust requires a rolling pin. A friend who bakes pies assured me of this, though I’ve never baked a pie from scratch, either.
In any case, we can agree that quiche doesn’t just appear from the ether. At a minimum, it requires the oven, and that’s if you outsource every level of preparation and only handle the baking. For a truly exceptional one, you must be intentional, you must be there from start to finish. As a wise chef once said, “He can’t go down with three barrels…not with three barrels on he can’t.”
Or maybe he can. We’re gonna need a bigger quiche bongo bus.
Quint from Jaws is my patron saint.
— {rialise} (@_RiALiSE_) January 17, 2019
