This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 120

This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 120

To make the perfect quiche, you’ll need a few things. An apron. A windbreaker. A gas leak. Don’t worry that the list doesn’t make sense yet. It will.

According to Wikipedia, the repository of all collective human knowledge, quiche is a “savory open flan consisting of a pastry crust filled with eggs, milk, or cream, and cheese, meat, seafood, or vegetables.” What it doesn’t mention is bongos, but to do so would give the site colitis. Truth has its limits, especially when it comes to bongos.

The untold story started in 1975, when an early master popped a mint in his mouth and said to himself “Namaste, fellow bicycle jousters.” Then, he packed his bags and headed off to Singapore, armed with subterfuge. As it was written, “It is good to carry some powdered rouge in one’s sleeve. It may happen that when one is sobering up or waking from sleep, a samurai’s complexion may be poor. At such a time it is good to take out and apply some powdered rouge.”

Before the rouge, but after the first stages subterfuge, he had to catch a bus. This was where things started to go seemingly wrong, but actually oh so right.


Really right.


Fortunately, escape was possible. It may have required creative jousting.


And other extreme measures.


Though it didn’t actually require a ton of effort.


The opposition wasn’t exactly throwing up its A game.


Even if it was noisy.


And filled with uncertainty.


But also filled with opportunities.


Though some things were certain.


Other things were uncertain.


Like really uncertain.


On the other hand, there was a certain clarity to it all. Quiche and bongos don’t just happen, at least not without a little heat.


So anyway, we were baking and composing. Our windbreakapron guarding us. Maybe we should have gone with chainmail.


On the other other hand, purpose is purpose.


On the other other other hand, we’re not getting out that easily.


And not just because of this.


Plus we are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.


Which necessarily precedes being calculating.


And also being cautious.


Mindful.


Brand-conscious.


Untraceable.


Something elseless? Where were we? Oh yeah, we were forming a drum circle.


Though not a welcoming one.


At least not welcoming to those unprepared for our message. This is kind of like a bongo beat, after all. And a 1, and a 2, and a 3…


As is this.


Never zag when you can … well, you know.


Man, it’s a mimosa. We are making quiche.


But, like, a really badass one.


Also one destined to fall? Cave in? I don’t really know what happens when a quiche goes wrong.


Regardless, this may be a contributing factor.


Not that that’s a bad thing.


Wait for the sequel.


To be fair, you are on a bus playing bongos and transporting a quiche. This encounter is expected.


It’s just like that movie about being on a bus playing bongos while transporting a quiche and you can’t go slower than 88 mph. You’re in the danger zone, and people want to be there with you.


First, though, you need fuel. Then, danger zone.


Also, proper pronunciation. Then, danger zone.


It may be slowly passing you by, but still a danger zone.


Fine, but right now we have bigger issues to worry about. Like this bus, which at this moment can be best described with ‘careening.’


I mean, what part of careening quiche bongo bus led you to think this could be reduced to one?


Regardless, let’s keep our eye on the prize.


Okay, this is sage advice. Let the bus roll on, the wind whipping around us, though thankfully we have those windbreakers.


From a seeming distance, the theme song fades in.


For thanks to a gas leak, which will force this thing to come to a crescendo, this is happening.


The key to a really good quiche is the crust. This requires you to make it by hand and that probably involves a rolling pin. At least, I assume it does. To be honest, I’ve never made a quiche, but I know a flaky crust requires a rolling pin. A friend who bakes pies assured me of this, though I’ve never baked a pie from scratch, either.

In any case, we can agree that quiche doesn’t just appear from the ether. At a minimum, it requires the oven, and that’s if you outsource every level of preparation and only handle the baking. For a truly exceptional one, you must be intentional, you must be there from start to finish. As a wise chef once said, “He can’t go down with three barrels…not with three barrels on he can’t.”

Or maybe he can. We’re gonna need a bigger quiche bongo bus.

Richard Cromwell is a senior contributor to The Federalist. Follow him on Twitter, @rcromwell4.
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