The alarm shrieked through an otherwise quiet evening, rousing the neighborhood to the flames slowly engulfing the old Whirly place. The Whirlys hadn’t lived there in years, but they still visited from time to time. Such visits, as well as upkeep, were vastly better with running water and power.
In the backyard, Luna, who looked after the place, burst forth from her quarters to see what all the noise was about. She lived there full-time while the Whirlys traveled the world, spreading love and teaching people how to do that thing Mr. Miyagi did to Daniel’s leg in “The Karate Kid.” Fire was definitely not one of the tasks she’d been charged with before they last left.
She headed into the house and found the fire mostly isolated to the kitchen and storeroom. It was then that the firemen ran in and dragged her out as they dragged out the fire hose and began pumping water through it. Ash and soot splattered the walls.
Luna watched as they worked, holding her pet rabbit Bunnito in her arms. Then the bunny pooped on her. Her cat, Mr. Meowvalous, never would have done such a thing.
Luna shouted at the firemen, her voice rising over the scream of the alarms. “Why is your truck not equipped with marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate bars?”
Captain Teach was incredulous. “The Whirly place is on fire and you’re asking about s’mores? Are you serious right now?” Luna replied that she was. The captain made another plea for sanity; it did not go well.
Him: don’t be ridiculous
Me: don’t ask the impossible
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) April 18, 2017
Luna stopped paying attention. She was thinking about what pet she might get next.
ramping up my destrier breeding program for those times when a superior mount may be necessary to rally the ranks
— Wilx Kivz (@LagunaBeachPOV) April 19, 2017
In front of the house, a car came to a screeching halt. The driver grabbed her phone and told Siri to call her agent.
It’s like none of these realtors are serious about finding me the house from Hellraiser.
— Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) April 19, 2017
Captain Teach yelled at Luna, who had produced her own ingredients and was making s’mores, to get out of the way, but her mind was elsewhere.
I feel like far fewer people would fuck with me if I owned a hooded attack falcon.
— Ghost Talking (@spiritusloquens) April 18, 2017
We’re getting there, man.
My ideal employment would be as a sleepy groundskeeper to an old Victorian house with a horrifying backstory.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) April 17, 2017
Meanwhile, a burglar with the worst sense of timing ever made his way into the third-floor window. He quickly found himself on the second floor.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
— NoKids3Money (@VanGobot) April 11, 2017
Next door, Jefferson worked on a project, one that just might save the day.
Lugubrious and doleful, he lumbered to the workshop, arms gathered with parts for a fine machine that would someday serve a fine purpose.
— Lørd Frøy (@LordFroy) April 15, 2017
Except he never finished it, thanks to Newton.
Take the time every day to put the kibosh on something
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) April 14, 2017
Our burglar found another burglar, though she was relaxing at the moment. And planning to steal all the perfume.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) December 10, 2016
The burglar tried to get her to explain the situation, but she refused.
A lady never tells how many men she’s murdered.
— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) April 13, 2017
Probably because both those things are necessary for burglary.
Why am I awake/alive?
— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) April 14, 2017
Mr. Meowvalous, who had observed the entire conversation as he enjoyed a constitutional using the toilet across the room, hopped down, flushed, and walked with purpose toward the tub.
the cat has an Allen wrench
— Bethany Raccoon (@bethasparagus) April 6, 2017
The bathing burglar complained to the tumbling burglar. The cat began loosening the feet of the tub.
work says I can’t list the wood panel in my basement that looks like a plague doctor mask if you stare at it as my emergency contact
— Goth Ms. Frizzle (@spookperson) April 14, 2017
Not everyone was impressed with the increasingly convoluted scene unfolding before them.
As your story drones on, I am reminded of the sound made when you pack up a wind chime.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) April 13, 2017
Luna, munching on a s’more, had words for Captain Teach. She was spitting crumbs, but also hot fire.
Droppin megaton battleaxioms on your dyslexicon.
— the Nezz (@njezzo79) April 10, 2017
Across the street, Annie had questions regarding her own groundskeeper, particularly as he wasn’t the live-in variety.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) April 17, 2017
While in the kitchen, Tiffany pondered what might come after the fire.
Something about sharpening knives makes me wish I had enemies.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) April 12, 2017
Not that she was completely free of enemies.
I don’t know if you’d call it a “hobby” exactly but I like being nice in a way that makes people feel a little bad.
— Rachel (@Rachelnoise) April 19, 2017
The tumbling burglar remembered why he was in the house and finished his mission. Mr. Meowvalous continued loosening the tub.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
— Boog (@BoogTweets) April 14, 2017
Luna, embracing the Bob Ross ethos of happy accidents, considered what she might do when making repairs.
Lets talk about decks baby lets talk about jacuzzis lets talk about ambient lighting from tiki torches to take selfies lets talk about decks
— Jenn (@heyevergreen) March 19, 2017
That’s why you keep your knives sharpened.
Me: (singing) The first cut is the deepest.
Him: Oh, I love that song.
Me: What song?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 7, 2017
Back in Jefferson’s house, Ally nurtured a fledgling pastime.
Got a birdfeeder, so now my new hobby is ridiculing the birds who don’t find it for being dumb and the ones who do find it for being fatties
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 18, 2017
Jenny was not a fan.
Not gonna lie. Looking up and realizing a bird is watching you through the window is freaky as hell.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 17, 2017
Meanwhile, Julia discovered she needed a new real estate agent.
My illuminati membership was revoked for telling people the secrets of real estate investing by using other people’s money
— Böb Your Pal Jänke (@Bob_Janke) April 18, 2017
That’s when she decided to give another Jenny a ride.
I only hitchhike for the thrill of potentially being murdered.
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) January 11, 2017
As the pair sped away, they noticed a gentleman on the sidewalk.
The Well Dressed Man About Town slowly lifts his wrist for a glimpse at TiMe. The numerals pulse sending violet waves around him~they merge
— taffí benīngtøn (@singwithTaffy) April 19, 2017
While a pair in a car sat and watched them attempt to navigate the newest traffic feature in the neighborhood.
Let’s park by the roundabout and watch people lose their minds.
— Lynn Tomhardystan (@illiter8too) April 19, 2017
Luna was back to thinking about animals.
I feel like my day could get better if I instantly morphed into a panda right now
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) April 20, 2017
While the bathing burglar called out to Mr. Meowvalous.
Come a little closer if you dare.
— Julie Donuts (@JulieSnark) April 10, 2017
She couldn’t help but notice his weapons, but he had different plans.
Love would have torn us apart again, but I happened to have this machete.
— Kimtopher (@kimtopher22) April 15, 2017
He jumped on the side of the tub, flipping it over as he’d loosened all the feet. Water and burglar went everywhere, crashing through the floor. Luna added another job to her list.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) March 27, 2017
She wished she’d saved the trip to the hardware store for tomorrow.
I stood stock-still, gazed around the home improvement section and softly mumbled “there’s nothing for me here”.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) April 1, 2017
She finished her s’mores, cleared her throat, and made an announcement. As the broken tub, and concomitant water, had extinguished the fire, the firemen actually listened.
Everything I say sounds sexy. Or like a threat. Or like a sexy threat.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) April 7, 2017
First, she made them a little something to nosh on, though.
it’s shake n bake
and i helped.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) April 19, 2017
Then she said:
Nobody in the ball pit criticizes the guy with a flame thrower.
— Gold Medal Cat (@Laser_Cat) April 17, 2017
As the words left her mouth, the scene began swirling away as Mr. Meowvalous sat on Luna’s chest, whining for her to wake and feed him breakfast. She rubbed her eyes and looked about, realizing that nothing had been real and the house was fine. A tattered collection of Graham Greene’s short stories rested on the nightstand.
She wasn’t relieved, though a fire wouldn’t have been good for her continued employment, but instead a little sad. Not only were there no s’mores, there was no Captain Teach, no tumbling burglar, no bathing burglar, none of the rest who had strolled around her dream. Bunnito hopped about and Luna realized that maybe it was time to live her dreams. She pulled out a notebook and started a grocery list, beginning with a blowtorch and some graham crackers.
I’m like that nightmare you kinda don’t wanna wake up from.
— VnT (@Vodkantots) April 12, 2017