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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 107

By: Rich Cromwell
12 min read
Pixabay / markito

If you’re going to go to a party, you might as well cause a scene.

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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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Wade headed into his house after the fat man dropped him off. He opened his sack and took stock of his loot. He wasn’t sure why he’d come away with dental floss and a bottle of Adderall, but perhaps they’d prove useful. Every gazillionaire’s road had started somewhere, after all.

He tucked away his treasure and headed to a party. His birthday was coming up; also the new year. Bottles were popping, rabbits were hopping, people were swinging in a tire swing with said bottles and rabbits. He wasn’t one to attend just any old party.

Wade was actually perturbed by all this. Owing to the incident, he had a bizarre fear of rabbits, despite possessing a neon belt in karate. Nevertheless, he hustled past this reverie and into the house, where he met a man screaming loudly that he was a champion treadmiller. He promptly fell off.

Wade managed to snatch the champion’s bottle of champagne from his hand before he tumbled to the ground. Not having time for a glass, he turned the bottle up and chugged. This may not have been his best decision. Fortunately, he saw an accomplice across the room, whose birthday was also coming up.

He walked over and loudly proclaimed something about Wonder Twin powers. She gave him a look and addressed the party, laughing off his statement.


He wasn’t finished, though.


Wade became reflective, ruminating upon his crime spree and how the evening was unfolding. He also yelled “Change places!” at everyone in the room. Perhaps he needed a breather.


Wade and Candy walked into an adjoining room. As they headed past the champion, now back on the treadmill and doing some sort of kicks, he dropped some knowledge on them.


Candy shouted and shook her battle chimes at him. He promptly fell off the treadmill again.


Wade questioned her motivations, but she was unperturbed. And she was right.


Things didn’t improve as they entered the adjoining room. For starters, this was happening. Wade joined in.


On the other hand, the mood music was perfect.


Outside, another scene was unfolding. Our old friend 99 tumbled out of a moving car, tucked and rolled, and attempted to talk to one of the neighbors. The neighbor was busy smoking a turkey and wasn’t in the mood. Another of the guests could relate.


Everyone looked at 99. He hadn’t exactly been around much recently, and then he came tumbling out of a moving car. He thought about filling in some gaps, but that sounded like too much effort.


Things got awkward when he went inside. The sea of faces, the public displays of affection, the pack of velociraptors roaming the premises. That last one may have been a figment of his imagination. It wouldn’t be the first time.


Then he heard a comment that made him dash out the front door and dive into the window of a moving car. Hopefully, the driver would be sympathetic.


Wade and Candy were working with lower expectations, so they were still chill.


Plus, they had this going for them.


Besides, it’s not like any of the happenings were really going anywhere.


Meanwhile, in the study, there were shenanigans afoot.


A man wearing the wrong hat became enraged at these shenanigans, for they would not involve him.


That was just what the scheme called for.


They decided to move to another location.


Not that everyone was pleased with this turn of events.


Transportation away was offered, but that wasn’t fancy enough for some people.


The marketing team pulled Wade aside. “Look, Jeff has a point. It’s all about leveraging the strengths you’ve accumulated. Our ask is that you let that thought percolate, marinate, and then proactivate it.”


Wade asked if they meant pursuing something like this. They shook their heads incredulously.


Candy suggested this. They shook their heads again, even more incredulously.


Wade took a drastic step. They shook their heads again, with even more incredulosity.


They decided the team may have a point and got an Uber, but one of the fancy ones, and headed back to the party. Upon arrival, they were greeted by even more noise than they’d left behind. They soon discovered why.


That this guy was running around pontificating didn’t help quiet the din.


Nor did this fellow.


The marketing team wanted to chat. Wade had an idea.


On the other hand, he had mixed feelings about this whole branding effort. Also, why was he discussing this at a party? He threw his Instagram photographer out the front door and made an admission.


“Hold on,” Wade told the team, “I’m getting another call.” You won’t believe what happened next.


The Wonder Twins wanted to try to pretend they couldn’t relate.


Meanwhile, the host had some news of her own.


And a resolution.


A voice drifted out of the lavatory. Maybe it was time to go.


There was also this guest roaming around. She had a firm grip, but with bottles popping and bunnies hopping, that could change at any moment.


Then the pair got some startling news.


What could they do in such a moment but eat their feelings? They headed to the dining room to grab some heavy hors d’oeuvres. Wade got confused and put his napkin on his head, but at least that made one thing obvious.


His wasn’t the only faux pas. Another person at the party was keeping it real.


At least she was dressed well, unlike this guest.


As Liv kept pointing out.


Though Kate had a point.


It bears mentioning that Wade had continued to steal bottles throughout the night, including that weird one from the murder cabin.


That gave him an idea rivaling Walt Disney and various other lunatics.


Still hungry, they headed out into the night, but then what to their wondering eyes should appear but an armed robber. She was covered in glitter.


The Wonder Twins parted ways, with Wade heading home to write down his account of the evening. There’s a chance he would embellish.


Also, he kept drinking from his various bottles, including the one from the murder cabin.


Why was he still going? At this rate, he was going to pontificate all the way through his and Candy’s birthday.


He decided to cut his losses and hit the hay. Tomorrow, it was the anniversary of the day of his birth, and he was going to be 21 x 2. Maybe it wasn’t just as good, but at least his credit was better.


Wade awoke in a puddle of drool, lying on the floor of the large display inside Manger Kings, the holiday supply store. That bastard 99 had drugged him again before stealing into the night and into the window of that moving car. As such, he couldn’t be sure how much of his memory was accurate and how much was imagination.

His head throbbing, he attempted to put the pieces together, but then he realized that at no point had he made any sense, so whatever. He stood, brushed the hay off his pants, and took a swig from a bottle labeled “Murder Cabin Reserve.” He instantly regretted that last part and suspected 99 was about to get him again. Not that Wade hated him, it’s just he had a penchant for trouble, a love of bunnies, and no tire swing.

He headed out and spotted Alan the St. Bernard running down the street. Wade followed him, knowing who the dog would lead him to. He didn’t have nefarious plans, exactly, but they weren’t exactly benevolent, either. He didn’t care what the marketing team had to say about it.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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