On his motorcycle, Wade sped past a car loaded with Lularoe leggings. While intrigued at the money-making opportunity, he pushed on. Brad, the driver of the car and chief procurement officer of the leggings, looked out the window and gave a slight nod as he passed. He didn’t know the details of Wade’s mission, but he could sense purpose. Wade pressed the gas down and rushed down the road.
He had an objective. He was on a quest. Sure, Halloween had come and gone, but there was still candy out there. Specifically, there were Reese’s peanut butter cups. He was an underdog, but kismet was on his side, even if there was a light rain falling. It was preferable to a hard rain, the Dude’s missing CCR tape notwithstanding.
Nevertheless, Wade kept at it, tightening his rain jacket around his chest. He moved through a forest, the smell of pine cones filling his nostrils. He passed a swamp, the frogs croaking out Bud-Weis-Er.
A cold one did sound nice. Wade stopped to reflect, drink cheap beer, and reflect. That’s when the bots took control.
I’ve had resting involuntary duck face my whole life.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) September 10, 2017
It was then that he made a decision.
If you see something suspicious, say something suspicious.
— Jason Hunzeker (@hunz74) June 26, 2016
He noticed a St. Bernard jogging down the sidewalk. The dog shouted, “You can call me Alan.” Then he offered Wade a suggestion.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
— meh (@bonehugsnirony) October 26, 2017
Then a driver in a PT Cruiser almost ran him over, which really set his road-rage aflame.
Dreams of setting a rude driver ablaze. I notice a hawk soaring overhead; I smile as I think of plucked eyeballs, then combustion.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) October 31, 2017
Wade reached into his back pocket and delivered a blast to the driver of the PT Cruiser.
THE BEST THING IN LIFE TO HOLD ONTO IS MACE
— Anna Grace (@graceful_asfuck) June 13, 2017
He noticed another dog yelling from the sidewalk, only this was no dog.
ME: When it’s a full moon, it’s legal to shoot hairy people.
COP: No it is not.
ME: But you got to use a silver bullet.
COP: Not true either— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) October 27, 2017
He realized that as a witness, he might have to offer testimony. He realized he needed to prepare.
Let me slip into something more diabolical.
— Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) June 9, 2015
As he did so, he noticed a woman going to extremes to avoid making plans. But it worked, so he made a mental note to try it himself.
i would rather take a beating then go to dinner with you, mom
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) April 5, 2017
He was able to proceed without answering any questions, but then he encountered a fellow who caused him to ask some existential ones.
If you’re looking to be saved, Larry who’s at the intersection of North Street and South Avenue has excellent Yelp reviews.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 25, 2017
But he didn’t have time to get bogged down in the philosophy of pulling the moon into a spiraling wave, so he wrote down what Larry said and moved on.
I don’t judge, i take notes.
— Sparky (@crunchenhanced) September 30, 2017
The cops tried to stop him for questioning again, but then they saw how poorly constructed his scarf was.
At least four members of Knitting Club have been persons of interest in homicide cases.
— Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) October 5, 2017
Fortunately, a woman running down the street with a medieval weapon distracted them. He hopped back on his motorcycle and took off before he got caught in any more shenanigans. Alan waved goodbye.
Kill em with kindness or a crossbow there’s really no wrong way to get your revenge
— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) October 25, 2017
Then Alan took off. He’d seen “The Lion King” in the theater. He didn’t need a live-action version.
“They’re real,” I say as I open my cage full of hyenas, “and they’re fantastic.”
— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) October 24, 2017
When you’re talking a bunch of hyenas loosed in a metro area, nope. At least not at first. They’d move on eventually.
this too shall probably not pass
— (@jaimiealley) October 24, 2017
That’s when Wade rolled past me.
Guy Rifling Thru Recycling Bin: So basically, I’m a storyteller
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) October 31, 2017
And I was telling a beautiful love story.
Take me to Applebee’s like one of your fancy French girls.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) October 26, 2017
It involved another underdog.
The tough kids at Chuck E Cheese are making fun of my hair again
— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) April 9, 2017
A plucky fitness coach.
More like what would 1982 David Lee Roth do, amiright?
The correct answer is: Helping the elderly become more flexible by inventing jazzercise.
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) October 27, 2017
Alternative medicine.
“This Doctor Octopus fellow appears to have no medical knowledge whatsoever.”
I say as I crawl out of the fish tank.
— Jacb (@DiscoCanadian) October 24, 2017
With as many kids as there were tentacles.
I saw someone with the Kate Gosselin haircut today, please keep me in your thoughts during this difficult time
— Mickey Mt. Vernon (@WhatevaConc) October 18, 2017
It started with a ghost story.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) October 31, 2017
Plus, the Illuminati and Rand Corp.
Let’s start a secret society
— DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) October 27, 2017
And, lastly, a home.
True love is finding that one person you would share your fallout shelter with.
— K∀RL∀ IN VT (@karlainvt) October 25, 2017
With only a little bit of a creep factor.
If you fell asleep next to me I’d braid our hair together so you’d have to say goodbye before you left.
— tinydeathmachine (@diemydarkling) October 30, 2017
Maybe I should rest before I continue. This is getting out of hand.
My fevered dreams have stuck with me all week.
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) November 1, 2017
And not much is being subtly slipped into my hand.
Sure did think I would be offered a lot more bribes than I’m getting as an adult.
— juice vanzany (@jvanzand) October 24, 2017
Despite living large and occupying multitudes.
I fill every room with my presence. Like nerve gas.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) December 9, 2016
Wade, meanwhile, had stopped to get his device upgraded.
“I’m not really supposed to do this,” says the Verizon employee, showing you the setting on your phone that unbinds love from sorrow.
— Jackson Crawford (@Norsebysw) April 13, 2016
That’s when it hit him.
live each day like it’s ur last? try livin each day like it’s ur first. meaningful life stuff? time for that later. eat a pie. take a nap.
— bombsy (@bombsydoll) October 23, 2017
It also hit him that he was supposed to be on a mission to find Reese’s Cups. He decided to regroup and re-focus, but he wasn’t going to explain anything.
I cannot defend a single thing I do stop asking
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) October 19, 2017
He also wasn’t going to listen to me, who had wandered up and begun doing my best impression of Homer.
“No one appreciates great artists until they’re dead,” I reassure myself, stroking my unpublished 40,000-word epic poem about Jeff Goldblum.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) September 14, 2016
Not that his disinterest really bothered me.
Don’t worry. My inflated sense of self-importance keeps me plenty warm at night.
— Gret¢hen (@wokkax3) October 16, 2017
Plus, once he wandered off, this happened.
i love when you have to sneeze and no one is around. you don’t have to use your elbow or anything. just sneeze into the wind like an animal
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) October 11, 2017
Wade happened upon the edge of an undulating mass. He found himself next to a woman who was having a revelation.
At the furthest edge of a dancing flash mob miles away Tina pushed her chair back suddenly from her desk.
— Wondering (@stillwondering1) October 5, 2017
No, it wasn’t that Jack is right.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) October 29, 2016
It was this.
Thinking about starting my own cult for fun & profit.
— ᎦᏞᎽ ℬᏒᎥᎪᏒ (@BriarSlyMalice) September 20, 2017
Wade wasn’t interested, but he did notice a ribbon dangling from Tina’s desk drawer. He tugged it. What he discovered filled him with feelings.
Please do not be intimidated by my sophistication. Like you I also experience a joy of living or as the French say, une omelette du fromage.
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) June 27, 2017
For Wade had discovered that which he sought. In Tina’s desk drawer, there was a large stockpile of Reese’s Cups. One might even say there was a plethora of cups. He filled his pockets and jumped back on his motorcycle. Tina had returned and was brandishing things.
Do you ever think that we fight so much because you’re secretly in love with- my god, put down the knife.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) October 9, 2017
Fortunately, a woman flailing down the sidewalk knocked Tina out of the way and Wade escaped.
Good news everybody, the upstate NY land crab I screamed and ran from on my jog was just a big fall leaf skittering in the breeze
— Vampire Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 28, 2017
Before slowing to berate an overly enthusiastic person sitting in a parked car.
If sitting in a Chevy Cruz makes you go wow, you really need to reexamine your life.
— J™ (@CommonSavant) October 28, 2017
Then whipping through an intersection.
Every time I run a red light, I throw my hands up close to my face like OH NO but it’s all an act. I knew I was doing it.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) October 5, 2017
Why do I always have people out roaming the streets for these? Note to self: Involve a giant house or a resort or something for volume 106. Make people stay inside the whole time if possible.
Take advantage of your mania before it’s too late.
— unwarranted (@_Aynne_) October 30, 2017
Include some hidden passages in said house or resort.
My main goal is to never find myself in a situation where I’d have to hold a small flashlight in my mouth
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) October 20, 2017
And make sure there are some tense interactions with the people inside. I have such a gift for drama, I can’t help but be impressed with myself.
I too write notes in lipstick on the bathroom mirror, like, “shut the fucking door. I’m sleeping.”
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) November 1, 2017
Note to self, two: Don’t listen to myself.
The best way to make sure no one follows instructions is to tell them to follow instructions.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 10, 2017
Wade found himself in front of a sprawling resort. Possibly it was just a really big house. Or maybe it was a hotel. He kicked in the door and strode into the kitchen.
Whenever one of the ingredients to a recipe says to add, “love,” I scratch it out and put, “hate.”
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) October 26, 2017
One of the other residents wanted to know why he’d kicked in the door. Partly it was to make a dramatic entry, but only partly.
I’m not an angry person by nature; I had to learn this stuff.
— @TheAlexNevil (@TheAlexNevil) October 29, 2017
Wade emptied his pockets, sharing the bounty of peanut butter cups with all around him. They didn’t realize his feelings on adding love to his recipes, just as they didn’t realize he responded to sneezes with curses rather than blessings.
Soon, things would be afoot in this large building of a yet-to-be-determined nature with a cadre of yet-to-be-determined characters. One thing was certain, it is not to be lighthearted. No, Wade was focused on making sure that whatever happened in this bed and breakfast—maybe that’s it—rivaled the horror Phil Connors experienced every morning when he awoke as though he was being born for the first time.
Let their paralyzing terror be your guiding light, sweetie.
— Insignifcant Funds (@4SLars) October 28, 2017
