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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 123

In 2020, you have a choice. You can go for those who want to play Johnny Appleseed or you can go for those who have your ability to breathe freely in mind.


When seeking to become the leader of the free world, it’s important to have a few key issues. Obviously, eradicating geese should be part of any candidate’s platform, but winged sky trash isn’t the only natural enemy we should be worried about. No, there is another enemy‒one much more pleasing‒that we need to consider, especially when it’s spring.

We’re talking about flora, not fauna. Mr. T may have focused his ire on trees, but he really should have gone after anything that blooms. Sure, it’s pretty and spring is a lovely season, what with all the flowers and fresh growth and the return of the leaves, but it also aggressively attacks those of us in the populace who suffer from allergies. Our sinuses fill, our brains turn to mush, we sneeze. It’s really a hassle.

Some may say it’s not really that much of a hassle, but now more than ever, it’s important to give all our grievances a public hearing. It’s especially important when those grievances involve the environment, which my advisors tell me is an issue that matters to lots of people who may or may not vote, but do like to gripe on social media.

In any case, in 2020, you have a choice. You can go for those who want to play Johnny Appleseed or you can go for those who have your ability to breathe freely in mind. (My advisors also caution me that trees and other flora may be important to helping us breathe and that “the environment” isn’t an issue people care about because they want to defeat it, but I make it a point not to listen to them too much and instead focus on what various cranks on the internet say.)

So let us rise up and declare not war, because that takes a lot of effort, but instead declare an ongoing conflict with nature. America: We’ve got grudges and we know how to use them.

Some candidates will try to sell you on mushy platitudes about pragmatism and common sense solutions and getting along. Those candidates are fools. As my internet-commenting “advisors” tell me, now is the time to get our dander up.

Because it’s best to get things off our chest. Or out of them, as it were. Also, stay angry, my friends.

It is important to note that we’re not declaring an act of conflict on fauna, especially fauna that is delightfully aggressive. Plus people like candidates who have a pet.

I promise my cabinet will be comprised of common people, like you, so long as you also agree to try and obliterate inanimate objects.

Because while it’s fashionable to offer hope, I offer truth.

Although don’t worry, I also promise not to offer a staid option. That would be ridiculous. In fact, I’m going to dial things up a notch.

For example, I’m pretty sure some people consider trees and various other greenery our fellow citizens. They deserve a candidate who speaks for them.

Possibly one who speaks for them using a variety of voices.

Albeit one who speaks for them from a classical perspective.

While not afraid to embrace modern trends.

But also not afraid to embrace destruction. Creative destruction, even.

Now for a few words from one of my informal advisors.

My coalition will be broad and diverse, if not ideologically so. The important thing is appearances.

I also promise to expand voting rights to citizens of other countries, so long as they agree with me.

When it comes to the whole “kissing babies” thing, I may lag a little behind. On the other hand, salad bars are part of the problem.

To make up for that, I promise not to be overly groomed. As a man of the people, I’ll go for that windblown look.

While also reminding you that I’m better than you.

Because I am.

Also, there will be no hacking. There may be jousting. I’m still polling that one.

In either case, don’t you worry about blank, let me worry about blank.

Now we’ll take a few questions. I don’t have any answers, but I will start a dialogue.

Like if you question my plan to destroy most flora, I’ll change the subject to our foundering space program.

If that question doesn’t satisfy you, and if you’re not into jousting, we can agree to disagree via other means.

If you’re still not satisfied, I can change the topic again. For example, we often denigrate puppeteers, but what if they’re not the geese of performing artists and what if we need to protect our Second Amendment rights for the actual worst?

I’ll also bring dignity back to presidential portraits.

If not to the motorcade.

On the other hand … not my other hand mind you, but someone’s.

As to the press, please revisit my promise to answer questions with questions.

While also speaking softly.

Obfuscating my past.

Hinting at what I plan in the future.

And taking time to remember what matters in life.

As to business, it will boom under my reign.

Like ones that say “Ricardo 2020?”

As will, as aforementioned, a return to focusing on the classics.

Like this update to “Groundhog Day” I’m thinking of.

Wasn’t me.

Not that I’ll be afraid to admit my mistakes, on the off chance I make any.

If it turns out I did, I’ve got a solution for you.

And if that doesn’t work, the main plank of my platform can be applied to people as well as to nature.

Some might argue that destroying all flora on earth is a bad idea, especially since a variety of allergy medicines exist and spring only last a few months. To that I’d say, are you afraid of bold solutions? Of having a conversation about things? Of progress itself?

Maybe you are. I’m not asking you to be rational. But if irrational is what is most important to you, I promise to be the most irrationalest candidate ever. And if that doesn’t work, I’m also willing to make smaller promises that I know will appeal to the masses, even if they offend those rapt by my windblown look.