When seeking to become the leader of the free world, it’s important to have a few key issues. Obviously, eradicating geese should be part of any candidate’s platform, but winged sky trash isn’t the only natural enemy we should be worried about. No, there is another enemy‒one much more pleasing‒that we need to consider, especially when it’s spring.
We’re talking about flora, not fauna. Mr. T may have focused his ire on trees, but he really should have gone after anything that blooms. Sure, it’s pretty and spring is a lovely season, what with all the flowers and fresh growth and the return of the leaves, but it also aggressively attacks those of us in the populace who suffer from allergies. Our sinuses fill, our brains turn to mush, we sneeze. It’s really a hassle.
Some may say it’s not really that much of a hassle, but now more than ever, it’s important to give all our grievances a public hearing. It’s especially important when those grievances involve the environment, which my advisors tell me is an issue that matters to lots of people who may or may not vote, but do like to gripe on social media.
In any case, in 2020, you have a choice. You can go for those who want to play Johnny Appleseed or you can go for those who have your ability to breathe freely in mind. (My advisors also caution me that trees and other flora may be important to helping us breathe and that “the environment” isn’t an issue people care about because they want to defeat it, but I make it a point not to listen to them too much and instead focus on what various cranks on the internet say.)
So let us rise up and declare not war, because that takes a lot of effort, but instead declare an ongoing conflict with nature. America: We’ve got grudges and we know how to use them.
If you feel your anger waning, I offer my services as Grudge Monitor. The Grudge Monitor is never appeased nor should you be.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) April 3, 2019
Some candidates will try to sell you on mushy platitudes about pragmatism and common sense solutions and getting along. Those candidates are fools. As my internet-commenting “advisors” tell me, now is the time to get our dander up.
ANGER UPS MY GAME
— JEFF NEWTON (@yonewt) April 24, 2019
Because it’s best to get things off our chest. Or out of them, as it were. Also, stay angry, my friends.
Much like sneezing, holding in an eye roll can be dangerous.
— кєℓℓαℓєηα (@topaz_kell) April 23, 2019
It is important to note that we’re not declaring an act of conflict on fauna, especially fauna that is delightfully aggressive. Plus people like candidates who have a pet.
Who’s the crazy one now, I ask, as I return my badger to its Babybjörn carrier.
— Jimmer Cork-Bottle (@JimmerThatisAll) October 4, 2017
I promise my cabinet will be comprised of common people, like you, so long as you also agree to try and obliterate inanimate objects.
Thrift store. I was looking at Kathie Lee Gifford fashions, you were looking at a floor plan of The White House. Page me.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) January 29, 2016
Because while it’s fashionable to offer hope, I offer truth.
What do I have to offer the world? Contempt.
— Ironballs McGinty (@IronballsMcGinT) April 25, 2019
Although don’t worry, I also promise not to offer a staid option. That would be ridiculous. In fact, I’m going to dial things up a notch.
I feel like I could be zanier
— Brother Böbby (@Bob_Janke) April 18, 2019
For example, I’m pretty sure some people consider trees and various other greenery our fellow citizens. They deserve a candidate who speaks for them.
Ur pretty cool about a civil war I can dig that
— Her Tall Boots🎲🎲 (@fuzzlime) April 25, 2019
Possibly one who speaks for them using a variety of voices.
If I found a good wig shop and thrift store, I would go out in disguise every night.
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) March 31, 2019
Albeit one who speaks for them from a classical perspective.
Go ahead, check out my Google search, it’s just how to spell words according to the Oxford Dictionary.
— Trouble Tara 🎼 (@SoNotThePoint_) March 31, 2019
While not afraid to embrace modern trends.
Just saw a pack of wolves wearing t-shirts with my face on them.
— Thrill Hicks (@thrillhicks) March 30, 2019
But also not afraid to embrace destruction. Creative destruction, even.
I could be the tornado beneath your wings, baby.
— DeeDastardly (@mydmac) March 27, 2019
Now for a few words from one of my informal advisors.
I have a plan. It’s convoluted, relies heavily on junk science, and will most likely fail. When it does, it is likely to set man/animal relations back at least a century. There is no time to cancel because the pie charts have already been distributed. So here we go.
— Bob Phillips (@BobTheSuit) March 30, 2019
My coalition will be broad and diverse, if not ideologically so. The important thing is appearances.
Welcome to my echo chamber. It is now your echo chamber.
— Henry 3000 (@Henry_3000) March 29, 2019
I also promise to expand voting rights to citizens of other countries, so long as they agree with me.
I’m happiest when I’m angry for no apparent reason.
— V (@Inferno_V) April 3, 2019
When it comes to the whole “kissing babies” thing, I may lag a little behind. On the other hand, salad bars are part of the problem.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 24, 2019
To make up for that, I promise not to be overly groomed. As a man of the people, I’ll go for that windblown look.
I have a lone eyebrow hair which telescopes like an antenna and is now pulling in Soviet dissident broadcasts from 1964
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) April 25, 2019
While also reminding you that I’m better than you.
*adjusts my monocle*
Hmmm…It looks like we’ve grown tired of your nonsense.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) April 23, 2019
Because I am.
Feel good about yourself, but you know, like away from me.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) April 18, 2019
Also, there will be no hacking. There may be jousting. I’m still polling that one.
My only requirement for my next job is no email. Chainmail is fine.
— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) April 24, 2019
In either case, don’t you worry about blank, let me worry about blank.
Don’t worry. I can overthink that for you.
— 🌸 Jen 🌸 (@jenp33333) April 11, 2019
Now we’ll take a few questions. I don’t have any answers, but I will start a dialogue.
I like to answer questions with questions, creating a perpetual interrogative time loop.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) April 15, 2019
Like if you question my plan to destroy most flora, I’ll change the subject to our foundering space program.
In space, no one can hear you yodel.
— Minister of Loneliness (@_steamy_mac) April 25, 2019
If that question doesn’t satisfy you, and if you’re not into jousting, we can agree to disagree via other means.
Get the sumo suits ready I’ve had it with your shit
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) March 10, 2019
If you’re still not satisfied, I can change the topic again. For example, we often denigrate puppeteers, but what if they’re not the geese of performing artists and what if we need to protect our Second Amendment rights for the actual worst?
Every year, thousands of mimes are killed by the accidental discharge of finger guns.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) April 1, 2015
I’ll also bring dignity back to presidential portraits.
There’s a covered painting of me in the annex that grows incrementally more hideous each time I tip Mrs. Grunwald into the hydrangeas.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) April 21, 2019
If not to the motorcade.
When you’re barreling down the blacktop with half the bumper falling off, motherfuckers tend to stay out of your way.
— C. A. Guardiola (@C_A_Guardiola) April 23, 2019
On the other hand … not my other hand mind you, but someone’s.
I’d wear driving gloves, but that would look pretentious and snobby. Besides, those are really more my chaffeuer’s thing.
— RunwayDan (@RunwayDan) April 9, 2019
As to the press, please revisit my promise to answer questions with questions.
— Johnny Two Balls (@LooptyBoo) April 18, 2019
While also speaking softly.
I’m not passive aggressive, it’s more like passive antagonist.
— Boyd’s Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) April 24, 2019
Obfuscating my past.
I was haunted by the things I did as a mercenary, slaughtering villages along the Mediterranean to secure cotton fields for some corporation. It wasn’t until I actually TRIED the new Giza Dreams Sheets that my nightmares went away, and I can’t think of a more ringing endorsement.
— Pussycat, PussyKat (@ROSEandDAYFIELD) April 25, 2019
Hinting at what I plan in the future.
If you’ve never heard anyone opera-hum then you’ve obviously never worked with Debbie in accounts receivable.
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) April 25, 2019
And taking time to remember what matters in life.
I like to wake up every morning play some Enya and give myself 15 minutes to quietly hate things.
— Elena Lifewaster Jr. (@elunatyk) April 17, 2019
As to business, it will boom under my reign.
Looking forward to Justin Bieber’s infomercial empire
— Buddawiggi (@MarkBuckawicki) April 23, 2019
Like ones that say “Ricardo 2020?”
subaru’s should come with a wider selection of bumper sticker packages
— fightgeek (@fightgeek) April 7, 2019
As will, as aforementioned, a return to focusing on the classics.
I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about Robocop.
— Pasta Fazool (@chrisdowning) April 1, 2019
Like this update to “Groundhog Day” I’m thinking of.
I don’t think this himalayan salt lamp is working properly maybe I should plug it in and take a bath with it I just don’t know
— now what (@jaimiealley) April 16, 2019
i saw you pop your collar in the mall. i know who you are now. i know.
— Your Gilded Lily (@ahatonahat) April 14, 2019
Not that I’ll be afraid to admit my mistakes, on the off chance I make any.
And it was then that we discovered the real monsters were the ones we had created in our lab along the way.
— Be The Cookie (@BeTheCookie) April 8, 2019
If it turns out I did, I’ve got a solution for you.
Don’t worry, it’s nothing that a padded cell can’t fix.
— Fickle_Filly (@Fickle_Filly) March 31, 2019
And if that doesn’t work, the main plank of my platform can be applied to people as well as to nature.
I would follow you to the gates of Hell just to make sure you got in
— Tony™ 🐜🍯 (@tsm560) April 13, 2019
Some might argue that destroying all flora on earth is a bad idea, especially since a variety of allergy medicines exist and spring only last a few months. To that I’d say, are you afraid of bold solutions? Of having a conversation about things? Of progress itself?
Maybe you are. I’m not asking you to be rational. But if irrational is what is most important to you, I promise to be the most irrationalest candidate ever. And if that doesn’t work, I’m also willing to make smaller promises that I know will appeal to the masses, even if they offend those rapt by my windblown look.
I’d brush my teeth and hair for you.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) February 14, 2019