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I’m So Glad HuffPost Is Here To HuffSplain Away Christian Morality


Note to sensitive readers: This article uses a non-slang word for male genitals.

I used to believe that the Old and New Testaments taught us that murder and a lot of other stuff was wrong. But HuffPost published an article using Steven Chalke’s research into ancient pornography to huffsplain the real truth to me. You see murder, theft, greed—all these things scriptures uniformly condemn are only wrong when they are exploitative along intersectional lines.

This comes as a huge relief to me, because if I’m being really super honest, I am very greedy, I like to steal, and I love to murder. But I’m only greedy in a twenty-first-century millennial sense. That is, I only want things from people who have more than me.

I don’t want to steal from poor people! That would be exploitative! Especially poor minorities! I just want to steal Ferraris and the occasional Gucci bag for my wife. Those companies can afford it. But I would never steal from Fubu. In fact, sometimes I buy Fubu then return it without getting my money back. I mean reparations, right? #itjustmakessense #blm

All I really want to “steal” is music that I can afford to pay for but shouldn’t have to. I mean, Pearl Jam makes so much money. Their concerts should really be free at this point. Or Paul McCartney or some other rich white dude should have to fund them. There’s nothing wrong with stealing from rich people, especially rich white men! I mean let’s get real here, Rich white men cannot be exploited. They should be paying for everybody’s health care and dropping gold coins or credit cards from zeppelins.

These Facts Make My Feelings Okay

And when I choose to murder people, they’re never in an intersection beneath me. I only offer my murderous services to rich white dudes who want to commit suicide. There’s nothing exploitative about that, and that makes it okay. It’s mutually beneficial: He gets suicide and I get murder. And since they’re usually CEOs that means I’ve given a lady or a minority—or, better yet, a lady minority—a chance to break the glass ceiling.

I used to feel all this guilt about wanting to murder and steal because I misunderstood what Moses, David, and Paul meant by morality. They didn’t mean that God had designed humans to recognize and live according to objective truths that would lead to life and not death. No, they meant that things are only wrong in very specific instances. This is incredibly liberating. This huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. Do you have any idea what it’s like to want to murder people for your entire life and suddenly realize that you don’t need to feel bad about it? It’s scrumtrulescent.

But facts don’t care about our feelings, no matter how scrumtrulescent they are. So here are the facts that make my feelings okay. Chalke proved that Paul only thought that it was wrong to have sex when you go to an archway and procure the services of a prostitute who is on a lower intersection then you. The concept of fornication didn’t apply to sex outside marriage or anything LGBTQ$% related, since fornication comes from the Greek word fornix. A fornix was an archway and prostitutes would congregate under archways, so to fornicate only means getting a prostitute under an archway.

Since they didn’t have Craigslist or the Internet back then, fornication cannot refer to getting a prostitute off Craigslist. Unless, of course, he or she is in a lower intersectionality, then at the very least you need to pay them more. So all you Craigslist sexers get a break! No archway, no fornication. Hallelujah, amen! Free at last, we are free at last!

Although you probably want to avoid sex workers who hang out under bridges or in tunnels. I don’t want to get all legalistic, but better safe than sorry. Most services procured under bridges are generally subpar. For evidence I cite almost any episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” after season one, and fairy tales about trolls that live under bridges.

The Porn of Pompeii Solves Everything

Chalke has also proved that the church fathers who roundly condemned all sex outside marriage didn’t actually speak, write, or read Greek. Well, they did, but not the actual Greek of St. Paul. They spoke a complicated variant dialect of Greek called H8 or hVIII Greek. If they had been able to correctly read Paul’s letters it never would have occurred to them that the word arsenokoitai had anything to do with homosexuals, especially if they had known that Pompeii was covered in penis pornography. That’s the key here: The penis pornography of Pompeii (PPP). #alwaysalliterate

You see, we didn’t know very much about sex in the ancient world until we finally found the PPP, sort of like how no one knew anything about the Bible until we found the Dead Sea scrolls. But the PPP proves something we’ve always suspected: the Romans loved penis. Like loved, loved it. Before the PPP was thoroughly studied we had been pretty sure that the Greeks, Romans, and whole culture of the first century were super-homophobic.

Like take this word arsenokoitai that Paul invented. People used to think that this word referred to homosexuality. But thanks to Chalke we now know that it doesn’t really mean anything! You see, arseno means man and koitai just means bed! It’s a word that Paul invented, and we know Paul did not write or read H8 Greek. So whatever he meant by a “man bed” could not possibly mean a homosexual. We don’t really know what he meant because he invented the word, and we can’t ask him obviously. So it’s just one of those mysteries we’ll never resolve. But because of the PPP we know it had nothing to do with gays. #settledscience

The early church fathers all understood this new word of Paul to mean homosexual but we must keep in mind that they did not understand Paul’s Greek. They really do seem to have exclusively used H8 Greek. To be fair to them, they were clearly deceived by their dependence on the H8 Greek translation of the Old Testament. This document is sometimes referred to as the Septuagint or, as it is called among the highest level of academic scholarship, the H8 Greek translation of the Old Testament.

In this H8 translation, Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 literally condemn men (arseno) from bedding (koitai) other men. So they probably read that awful H8 translation and reinterpreted Paul’s clearly ambiguous meaning of exploitative man bedding with their highly specific H8 meaning.

If you really think about it, it’s quite humbling that God has allowed us to be so much better than saints like Athanasius and Chrysostom. Maybe if they had the PPP they would have seen how wrong their H8 Bibles were. It’s so sad that so many nice gays, fornicators, and thieves have had to suffer under the clobber passages when the whole time Paul really didn’t give much of a crap about anything we do. really. At least we can be free now.

In case you didn’t realize this article was satirical, go to this website if you’d like to see what the foremost authority on homosexuality and the Bible thinks about these issues: