It’s Friday the 13th, a day some consider unlucky, particularly kids at camps where the counselors aren’t paying attention. Fortunately, they can come back from their watery graves and cause a whole lot of mayhem.
Specifically, that previously drowned young man, one Jason Voorhees, would go on to do battle with a carpetbagger of a whippersnapper who was intent on having a senior dance. With only a hockey mask and a machete, he challenged a young Kevin Bacon and his Volkswagen Beetle to a battle. What Bacon didn’t realize was that Voorhees’ nickname was “The Rhythm” and he was definitely going to get him. Of course, it made Voorhees highly unpopular, and none of the other campers wanted to be friends with him because of it.
A fun way to make new friends is by threatening to kill everyone you meet.
— Я. (@iinkedZombie) April 29, 2016
At least he didn’t drown.
So as it turns out, they fixed the sprinklers at this apartment complex.
No. I don't live here.
— Eric B (@enigmaterics) May 12, 2016
There should be a “Friday the 13th” reboot, but with Juggalos.
Once the Insane Clown Posse finds me I will have arrived.
— BarStar (@elynnbarlow) April 28, 2016
It’s not exactly on par with being allowed to drown, but it’s close, so I’m going to say this is allowable.
One day soon I shall exact vengeance on all the people who sneak into my elevator at the last second and choose the floor right below mine.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) May 10, 2016
Voorhees approves.
Spice up your love life by giving her love poetry written in the blood of her enemies.
— FRANKENFRECKLE (@gothicaseas) February 14, 2016
It was the allusions to water.
Belting out "It's Raining Men" during a funeral procession is inappropriate no matter how smokin' hot the pallbearers are.
Apparently.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 30, 2016
I’m failing to see the problem with that.
Fact: If you listen to Stevie Nicks on repeat, 30 black scarves and a book on witchcraft will appear out of nowhere.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) May 10, 2016
This is what really happened to Jason. His mom just blamed it on the counselors.
I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) May 8, 2016
As long as he just has fries and not a machete, you should be fine.
Wrote a scathing review of my local McDonald's on Yelp so I'll just be up all night peeking outside to see if Ronald is coming to kill me
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) May 8, 2016
It’s Friday, plus it’s Friday the 13th. Might as well let your hair down and get wild.
'Dances with Wolves'…
But it's just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) May 8, 2016
Suuuuuure.
People are always like "you're so crazy" and I'm all like "please take off the restraints, I promise I won't do it again".
— Amy W (@Ameiam) March 28, 2013
It’s not the best beer, but this seems like a waste.
I kill werewolves with cans of Coors Light.
— Bryant Bryant® (@BryMastas) May 6, 2016
You know who she’s talking to, right?
You make me want to have sharper knives.
— M (@Love_bug1016) May 6, 2016
She’ll be back.
I just flushed the head of a Doc McStuffins sticker down the toilet on purpose and felt so good doing it. I'm afraid of who I'm becoming…
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) May 5, 2016
You can eat ‘em, drink ‘em, use ‘em in homemade cannons when you’re trying to take out the undead.
You see, it’s precisely BECAUSE I love potatoes that your potato-related insults can no longer hurt me.
— Annie (@HatfieldAnne) May 6, 2016
The key to victory is confusing your enemies.
just shut up and put me in your van.
— The Getaway Girl (@The_GetawayGirl) May 5, 2016
Also, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
"Hey kids, you like candy?" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) February 27, 2016
Stay out of the pool. No one is paying attention.
"It takes one person to liven up a party and one person to ruin it." I yell as I run across the lawn naked.
— K∀RL∀ (@karlainvt) May 7, 2016
Heyyyy, Friday the decimotercero.
[during sexy time]
Him: Babe, how about you give me a sexy lap dance.
Me: *blushes* Ummm ok…
*cues music*
*starts doing the Macarena*
— WineMummy (@WineMummy) May 6, 2016
The answer is obvious.
Dear Abby, is my fat goth son Trevor a bunch of bats or one giant bat?
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) April 25, 2016
Obviously these hamsters weren’t partying at a sleepaway camp in the late ‘70s.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can't part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) July 29, 2014
That’s why you stuff them.
Trust me, don't get Guinea Pigs. They're a lot of work for relatively little meat.
— Kat Meringue (@Izianikapani) May 1, 2016
Were they holding hands?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma'am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
— Yep,they're both me. (@3sunzzz) May 5, 2016
Paleo plus cardio. Just let a guy chase you with a machete for a little while, and you’ll be golden.
Him: How was your workout?
[Flashback to me scream-singing Adele while eating a Big Mac in the gym parking lot]
Me: Great. Felt SO powerful.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) November 18, 2015
Speaking of paleo.
Uh, actually, I practice Paleo parenting. My kids only play with things a cavekid would- dirt, rocks, sticks, skulls, carcasses…
— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) May 5, 2016
At least he’s paying attention to him.
"I feel like you lied in your dating profile and haven't actually been around kids"
ME: [spinning baby on barstool] Why would you say that?
— Terry F (@daemonic3) April 28, 2016
The counselors were distracted and one thing led to another.
one day this
*holding baby and gesturing to dirty laundry and pizza box laden apartment*
will be yours.
roommate: where'd you get a baby?
— Bryan (@CopBroughtPizza) February 16, 2016
That’s how you end up with missing campers, empty pizza boxes, and random babies roaming around.
I'm still holding out for dementia.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) February 17, 2016
It’s because you need to turn your hearing aids up.
My baby sure yells at me a lot for someone who can't even talk yet.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) January 23, 2016
Not a creature who would protect you, that’s for sure.
*settles into bed
*stretches
*pulls covers up to chin
*drifting off to sleepBrain: so what wtf was Gonzo anyway?
— Mrs Oppo Taco (@LMLMadness) May 11, 2016
Most don’t realize that “Friday the 13th” actually served as inspiration for this song.
I've been sitting in this lake since 1994 and I'm starting to think that maybe chasing waterfalls WOULD be a better mode of transportation.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) May 11, 2016
They make cards for everything.
Heads of your enemies, matching entrails bracelets for your frenemies, and a bloodied shield.
When you care to send the very best, Hallmark.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) April 26, 2016
This is true.
Decorative pillows are the greatest trick the devil ever pulled.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) May 5, 2016
It’s more of a really slow chase that results in falling off a cliff.
Yes, but can your last mistake do THIS?
*pushes your car over a cliff
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) May 11, 2016
Public transportation is also bad.
It appears I can't rely on the kindness of strangers to brush my hair in this grocery store.
— sondra dee (@SondraDeeMe) May 10, 2016
More communication isn’t always the answer.
THERAPIST: did you work on communication
1ST CERBERUS HEAD: they won't share the ball
2ND: i want the ball
3RD: i would also like the ball
— Melican (@MelKassel) May 5, 2016
Stop using your words.
I'd be a better hermit if I weren't so fucking delightful to be around.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) April 24, 2016
Or don’t use your words out loud, at least.
ME: Question everything.
MY INTERN GARY: Ok, why do we have to retype all of your tweets into a spreadsheet?
ME: Shut the fuck up, Gary.
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) May 2, 2016
It isn’t yet. Dare to dream. Maybe consult Joel Osteen.
Apparently "Queen of the world" isn't a real job & now I need a new 5 year plan.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) May 6, 2016
Also a good five-year plan.
*zips snacks into fanny pack*
*roller skates off into a lamp post*
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) May 9, 2016
Make your own rules for what third base is.
I wish third base meant robbing a liquor store together
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) September 12, 2015
Another form of third base.
I have nothing in common with people who take calculated risks.
— Revveler (@NotARatsAss) May 7, 2016
You’re not being waved into home, though.
The big one and the small one quietly emerged from the darkness & crept into the matriarch's territory, preventing her from mating yet again
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) April 23, 2016
Second base?
Me: "You know what this place needs? A cash bar."
Stranger sitting across the waiting room: …
Me: "I guess mammograms are BYOB, huh?"
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 11, 2016
School fundraisers are a joke.
The concession stand at this kindergarten graduation is surprisingly low on vodka shots.
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) May 12, 2016
There are always activities going on.
I forgot to send in flowers for Teacher Appreciation and my kid came home singing non-stop a song about recycling so yes I believe in karma.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 10, 2016
This was the plot to “The Serpent and the Rainbow II,” I think.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) January 1, 2016
Congratulations?
Auto correct changed "invest" to "incest" and now I'm starring in a Game of Thrones episode.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) May 5, 2016
This is gonna take a while. She might also want to consider making him drop the machete first.
*hugs you until you stop acting crazy*
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) May 10, 2016
The camp counselors, as they fled the armed killer, regretted listening to her.
"Just ignore it"- my advice on everything
— Ya-Ya (@macchiatonumb) May 5, 2016
I prefer to just not even attempt to feed them. Sure, they may grow up wanting to exact revenge upon someone, but probably not me.
1 Snacks
2 Dessert
3 Something we don't have
4 A thing that doesn't exist
5 Soap
-A list of things my kid would rather eat than my cooking
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 10, 2016
Badass?
My 7yo just dug reindeer antlers out of her bag and put them on a stranger's head in this dojo if you're wondering what parenting is like.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 10, 2016
*drops quill*
Me?
Just writing a rap song using Lord Byron's "The Prisoner of Chillon"
— MomofTeen (@MomOfTeen) May 6, 2016
The previous rap is on this album, I think.
I'm so glad RadioShack put out another album
— beth likes cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 10, 2016
When you accidentally like that pic from 2013, the one from before the lake incident.
It's not stalking, it's art appreciation.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) May 11, 2016
Jason’s aim was off that day.
"I totally forgot what brought me to the ER." Meanwhile, a severed finger sits in a cup of ice with a piece of string tied around it.
— Rev Thurl Ravenscrof (@2tickytacky) May 3, 2016
Yes, yes I do.
With a gleam in my eye, I ask, "do you wanna see my Colorforms collection ?"
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) May 11, 2016
If you’re gonna walk slowly away from danger, look good while you do it. It’s really the only way.
I walk around like I'm swishin' an invisible hula hoop but there just isn't one
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) May 11, 2016
Not everyone considers today unlucky. My father, for instance and for reasons I’m not going to bother explaining, considers Friday the 13th to be his lucky day. Me, all my days are lucky. Maybe they’re all unlucky. I’m a cockeyed optimist, but I’m not what you would call a “planner,” although I do have a machete just in case. Also for hacking down vines.
There's no method to my madness, I just sort of make it up as I go along and hope for the best.
— Goddess of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) May 7, 2016
