69 Things Virginians Can Do For Their 69 Days Of Lockdown

If you live in Virginia, Gov. Ralph Northam is keeping it real with his order that people stay at home until June 10 except for retrieving essential needs such as food or medical care. Given that we’re talking Northam, this is more an example of when keeping it real goes wrong than an example of solid leadership. (Please note: That is not the governor in blackface in that video.)

In any case, Virginians are on lockdown with 69 days to go. That’s a long time. As such, they’re going to need some activities to keep it real, hopefully without it going real wrong.

We’re here to help. While these suggestions won’t keep you sane, they will make your impending descent into madness more entertaining. So close the front door, settle in, and get started.

1. Post many pictures of books you’re reading. Read none of them.
2. Get super into ASMR, like really, really uncomfortably into ASMR.
3. Try out all the hairstyles you were always afraid to rock. Don’t be afraid to go Flock of Seagulls.
4. Berate people on social media, but more than normal.
5. Develop an elaborate celebration dance for beating your kids, whether real or fictional, at “Mario Kart.”
6. Listen to the audiobook of “A Gronking to Remember.”
7. Bone up on your vuvuzela technique while drowning out your kids’ recorder practices.
8. Tamagochi!
9. ¡Yo soy fiesta!
10. Carve your wooden spoons into smaller spoons.
11. Go on a vision quest.
12. Beat Wade Boggs’s record.
13. Stream all 154 episodes of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” particularly “The Gang Beats Boggs” and “The Gang Beats Boggs: Ladies’ Reboot.”
14. Listen to all 15 discs of the Grateful Dead’s “June 76.”
15. Try to beat the Guinness World Record for most jumping jacks in a minute.
16. Create a live-action version of “Garfield Minus Garfield.”
17. Count all the doors and windows in your house. Also, list everything that’s blue.
18. Create an elaborate indoor circus performance using mice as entertainers.
19. Work on your trapeze skills.
20. Venture into a parallel universe and do battle with a witch who wants to steal your eyes.
21. Spend some time outside and make sure you’re not losing your grip on reality.
22. Take up birdwatching.
23. Narrate the action in squirrel fights.
24. Rewatch “Lost.” Tap out before the series finale, again.
25. Get fancy and wear pants for the day.
26. Demo your bathroom and get ready for a renovation! Just watch some YouTube videos about plumbing and tile work. I’m sure it’ll be fine.
27. Learn to play the drums. If you don’t have any drums, use pots, pans, and spoons.
28. Create an indoor bowling alley.
29. Solo karaoke!
30. Learn how to do some card tricks.
31. Practice origami.
32. Shoot some hoops, even if you have to use wadded up pieces of paper and a garbage can. Do not use your toilet paper and paper towels.
33. Build a fort out of pillows and blankets.
34. Take an excessively long bubble bath.
35. Get out a sheet of cardboard and rekindle your love of breakdancing.
36. Try to beat Wade Boggs’s record for a second time.
37. Work off some calories from the Boggs’s challenge by trying to beat the Guinness World Record for marathon jump roping.
38. Learn how to play Van Halen’s “Jump,” the guitar and keyboard parts. If you don’t have a guitar and a keyboard, use NextDoor to find ones you can steal.
39. Break into one or two of your neighbor’s homes.
40. Disable your two-way radios and snowcats.
41. Give up on your bathroom renovation and build an outdoor shower.
42. Develop a series of conspiracy theories and start a blog devoted to them. Topics can include “With Everyone Staying Home, Is Bigfoot More Active?” and “Is the Coronavirus an Alien Attack Created to Steal Earth from Humans?”
43. While you’re at it, write some letters to the editor of your local paper.
44. Complete the 2020 Census. Get creative.
45. Beat Wade Boggs’s record for a third time.
46. Attempt to catch a raccoon and train it as the first soldier in your raccoon army.
47. Have the raccoon army start a war with local geese.
48. Commit credit card fraud to get a new dog. Give the repo men the wrong dog when they come to reclaim your ill-gotten goods. Stand six feet back while they’re doing their thing.
49. Stream all episodes of “Binging With Babish.” Under no condition should you actually make any of the recipes.
50. Clean the bucket in your outdoor shower.
51. Dress up like a clown and spend a few hours standing motionless in your front window.
52. Take to social media to castigate all the social distancing failures you saw when you went out to run some unnecessary errands.
53. Create a backyard distillery. Watch some videos on YouTube, I’m sure it will be fine.
54. Clean up the debris from the stills that exploded. Maybe rethink the backyard distillery.
55. Attempt to learn a foreign language. Give up and watch the 2012 version of “Red Dawn” instead. Remember who the antagonists were originally supposed to be.
56. It’s been a few days since you’ve beaten Wade Boggs’s record.
57. Try to achieve Nirvana. If that fails, listen to Nirvana.
58. Locate your children and verify that they’re still able to use spoken language. Release them back into the wild.
59. Go through your closet and determine which, if any, of your pants still fit.
60. You know that tree in the side yard looks like it needs to come down. Sure, you don’t have training or proper tools, but how hard could it be?
61. Follow your children’s lead and give up on spoken language. Communicate exclusively using angry glares.
62. Start to assume this is going to be extended. Dig a moat around your house.
63. Accept that even your sweatpants have gotten snug. Fashion a toga out of a bedsheet and stand outside, guarding your home, preferably with a javelin.
64. Just in case work is coming back, it’s probably time to beat Wade Boggs’s record one last time.
65. Figure out where your car keys went. Make sure your car will still start.
66. Start a fight club to help lose weight so you can at least fit back into your sweats.
67. Disband your fight club because rules about social distancing haven’t been relaxed that much. Put the toga back on.
68. Mentally prepare for the possibility that there are zombies out there now. Also, verify that you still have a job.
69. Play “NBA Jam.” Purposely hold the final score to 69. Declare victory over the lockdown.

There are other activities than the 69 listed here you can pursue. Get creative! These are just a start. Just keep your mind in the gutter and your eyes set on the stars.

The end will arrive eventually. Probably. Hopefully. Dear God, please let it arrive. We’re becoming dull boys and girls.