On September 23, 1641, a ship loaded with more than $1 billion in currency vanished. Where did the Merchant Royal, this ill-fated ship, go missing? Just off of Land’s End, Cornwall. Legend has it that the ship and its treasure were never recovered, but an enterprising young man known as Gary Comer, eager to please a lass who had caught his eye, knows the truth to be quite different.
Young Comer, you see, recovered the monies from the ocean floor, just off Land’s End, and headed to Wisconsin, although Wisconsin wasn’t aware that it was Wisconsin at the time. There, he started a clothing company and poured himself into his work making quality clothing for men, women, and children.
Alas, this dedication took a toll and he forgot to send for the young lass who had motivated him in the first place. It wasn’t until another young man, this one with the last name Bean, brought him a note from Cornwall that he realized it was too late.
This whole you not being madly in love with me thing is getting old
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) September 19, 2016
And for that, he suffered. Quite a bit, actually.
Be someone's light, a candle, a sparkler, a firework..a M80 explosion..my god there's blood everywhere..so many parts of you everywhere.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) September 15, 2016
Even his attempts to cheer himself up went awry. Especially this one which, strangely, resulted in lycanthropy.
If you have a raccoon party don't bother renting a bouncy castle. They won't like being in there with you and you'll end up in the ER again.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 12, 2016
Until he went down the dark path known as poetry.
The constant whining of the self proclaimed poet enraged the rest of the hobos & justice was served that night around the flaming trash bin.
— DarkerWillow (@DarkerWillow) September 13, 2016
Actually, wait, what?
let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you & me, let's talk about knives in bed & ritual sacrifice, wait, this took a very sudden turn.
— Jess [ham] (@thejessbess) September 6, 2016
Don’t discount the visions of wolves.
Enter a fugue state to establish the identity you want, not the identity you already have.
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) November 19, 2015
Especially when one is living his truth.
"There will be a day when you have your last good idea. How do you know it wasn't last week?" he said, jumping into the vat of baked beans.
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) September 17, 2016
And he did warn us.
I wrote out a disclaimer once. It just said idgaf
— Rach Riot (@ryan_rachryan80) September 19, 2016
He also scared us.
No one fucks with you if you just walk around shouting the alphabet
— Sufficient Charm (@SufficientCharm) February 7, 2014
While also inspiring us, much to our detriment.
if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) September 19, 2016
Then, in the light of day, he awoke.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I'm the only one not invited. Weird.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 24, 2014
With fancy plans…and plans to match.
Raccoons in Lincoln Tunnel, dressed to kill in lace Venetian masks & charcoal eyeliner, on the way to hear Garbage play Hammerstein Ballroom
— Elizabeth (@elizabeth_fels) October 27, 2015
But no delusions of grandeur. Reality was delivering, even if it was unrealized.
I hate it when I'm stepping out onto the balcony to address my people & someone interrupts my delusion.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) September 17, 2016
And demanding nourishment.
You've read the prophecies; Slake my thirst, sonofabitch.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) September 16, 2016
This would never happen at Lands End.
I made love to a beautiful hipster for nearly 10 minutes before realizing he was just a pile of scarves and coats in the Salvation Army bin.
— LiMa Diggity (@xLiserx) June 29, 2016
This hat was part of Comer’s original collection.
please don't mind my eccentric uncle Sedgwick, it's just that sometimes he wears a ferret for a hat
— snowjob (@canadasandra) August 28, 2016
You’d think a werewolf would’ve fared better, but no.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
"why isn't he wearing a shirt"we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote— brent (@murrman5) October 14, 2014
You know where you can buy all the supplies you’ll need for this expedition?
I loved camping as a kid. We'd hunt all day then eat hermits by the campfire. Eating reclusive forest hobos is a proud NewEngland tradition.
— Bmad (@1_swarthy_dude) August 26, 2016
The dreamers see things differently.
My third eye is googly.
— Oz9 (@lucidchemistry) August 17, 2016
Sometimes with a little help from chemistry.
It was a precious time. It was classic. It felt like she was on a moonbeam. She was on acid though, so…..
— ssssssssss (@semple42) September 8, 2016
That scene from Flashdance but the bucket is filled with gravy.
— Shitrock Buffalo (@DrunksWithGuns) September 18, 2016
The moon was full. Not sure what the director was expecting.
Me (getting bailed out of jail): Did I ruin opening night? You told me to break a leg…Theater director : I MEANT METAPHORICALLY
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) September 13, 2016
He should’ve transformed, but this is cool, too.
Who has two thumbs up and the raddest mugshot of all time?
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) September 21, 2016
They just get ripped up when the moon comes out anyway.
She died wearing what she loved. Not pants.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 20, 2016
But definitely just a person, right?
You're the rancid sunflower seed of people.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) September 13, 2016
Are we sure that was a bird and not a shape-shifter?
COP: Have you been drinking?ME: [riding an ostrich] Jesus Christ I hope so
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) June 6, 2016
That was me. My superpower isn’t super impressive, but it has some function.
A cantaloupe just fell out of the back of my SUV and came to a slow rolling halt in the middle of the street and I was like omg, goals
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) September 18, 2016
Accepting that truth was similar to what this guy is going through.
1. Cant believe its not butter2. Mad its not butter3. What can I do to make it butter4. Sad its not butter5. I accept it is not butter
— vints (@snow_van) September 19, 2016
Or are they, much like Soylent Green, people? Answer me!
I just feel like having too many alpacas would eventually lead to trouble.
— Red Diggity Dwarf (@leftarmisme) September 13, 2016
The voice is coming from inside your head.
I'm not crazy.I'm self-aware.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) September 14, 2016
“Dearest Gary, you haven’th returnedeth to Land’s End in a fortnight and I have feelings on the subject.”
Hate is such a strong word. I prefer sending you a bunch of YouTube links
— kanye's bhole (@bossy_bootz) September 14, 2016
What if I told you there was a company that makes a bag specifically for that purpose?
"I have a Big Mac in my purse."-me, being myself
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 22, 2016
Good thing this guy didn’t recover that treasure from the Merchant Royal.
Alright, this year I'm vacationing in…[throws dart at world map][dart misses and lands in trash can]Oh, nice. Same as last summer.
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) September 18, 2016
I know where you can outfit it.
Male, 30, loves music, food and travel. Skeleton is only mildly haunted, but don't let it touch you
— Gogglepossum (@gogglepossum) August 16, 2016
What about the ones on suits, jerk?
One good thing about being a man is never having to deal with clothes that have fake pockets.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 18, 2016
You could maybe put a little shipwreck in his bowl and let him dream of one day becoming a mail-order king.
I wonder if my Betta fish who's only known captivity still has the sea imprinted on his soul & lives haunted by an indescribable melancholy
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) September 11, 2016
But what if it ends at the bottom of a body of water? What then, huh? I’m staying mobile.
Join me on my downward spiralDon't forget to fasten your seatbelt
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) September 5, 2016
Gary, still forlorn over his lost love, raised his eyes. Things were looking up.
[first date]"I learned to crochet in prison… Now you say something."
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) September 8, 2016
For he knew that no matter what, he’d probably done better by building an empire than by going back to the old country. Sure, he was in Wisconsin, but the cheese and beer were good. And, sure, he was a werewolf, but the clothing business cut down on expenses from all his destroyed clothes. Sometimes, it’s the little things, but he was also an idiot in all matters except haberdashery.
To me, you are imperfect.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) September 21, 2016