A lot of people are killing Tom Brady because of his bumbling half-endorsement of Donald Trump. As a 39-year-old man who’s still shopping at Old Navy, all of my anger is reserved for myself at this point. But I’ve gotta admit, it was still shocking to watch him stammer his way through it. Brady never looks so discombobulated (unless he’s playing my Giants in the Super Bowl, but that’s for another time).
Now I get that Trump is the current bad man we’re supposed to be wagging our fingers at to score points on social media. But my biggest takeaway from Brady’s bromance with the Annoying Orange is that Trump still has Brady’s number after all of the cell phones he destroyed in the deflategate scandal. My second biggest is that he missed the boat in not endorsing Hillary Clinton, because the two of them are perfect for each other.
Brady and Hillary: A Match, Alright
You wouldn’t think Tom Brady and Hillary Clinton have anything in common, but if you take a closer look you realize their stories are similar enough to match on eHarmony. Or in Hil’s case, Felon eHarmony. Is this thing on?
For starters, both of them are trying to win it all this year while under major investigation: Hil for her email shenanigans and Tom for the ongoing deflategate scandal, which will have its next go-round in court in late January. There’s also the fact that the biggest threat to their plans for world domination resides in the state of Colorado.
For Tom, it’s the top-ranked Broncos defense, which already beat him once this season. For Hillary, it’s her private email server, which was stuffed in a bathroom closet 2,200 miles from her home like all the other people who have nothing to hide
You can also add the fact that right now their biggest problem is Donald Trump. Brady has been working all year to repair his image by posting YouTube videos of him and his kids. (I wonder if he’s using the same cameramen from spygate.) Fair or unfair, hanging with the Trump man doesn’t add much to the feel-good narrative.
As far as Hillary goes, Trump is a huge problem, because if there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s bringing his opponents’ negatives to the forefront. Even if Trump goes belly-up in the primaries—which he will—there’s no way he’s taking his goody bag and leaving the party without calling Hillary onto the carpet first.
The Scandalous Threesome
The biggest thread they share is that, despite all of the adversity they face, they’re both the overwhelming favorites in Las Vegas to go all the way. Brady’s Patriots are currently at four to one odds to carry home the Lombardi Trophy. The Hil-Cats are currently four to five, which means the bookies are giving her an 80 percent shot—if she doesn’t wind up on “Orange Is The New Black.”
Hate Brady all you want for hanging out with Trump. It’s worth at least 30 likes on Facebook, and there’s no way you’re not getting a retweet from Jeb Bush at this point. Bernie Sanders might even throw you a favorite if you post before he goes to bed at 6.
As I watched Tom fumble his way through his latest controversy, all I could think about was writing a missed connection ad on Craigslist for him and Hillary. This was a match made in scandal heaven, and my heart breaks just thinking about it. But the guy I feel the worst for is not me. It’s Hillary’s future First Lady. That dude would’ve loved to campaign with Gisele.