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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 28


Black Friday, a day in which people hurl themselves from windows in an attempt to score deep discounts on countertop griddles and “Inside Out” dolls, is here. Although it’s a “holiday,” I’m here for you, Black Friday shoppers. Whether you’re out there hustling for savings or lazing about on the couch, you likely have leftover turkey.

As such, enjoy this abbreviated edition of “This Week In Weird Twitter,” that comes not with a side of stuffing, but turkey, turkey hash, turkey soup, turkey sandwiches, turkey spaghetti, turkey and dressing, and turkey a la mode. I may have made that last one up, but given the right fiat currency, I’ll whip one up and sell it to you.

Kohl’s doesn’t carry these outfits or we totally would’ve.

Did you make your Thanksgiving awesome? No, you didn’t.

Nor did you ask the tough questions.

Bigfoot probably tastes better anyways.

Sounds sort of bitter, but moms across the country have done it for years, so maybe not.

Whoa if true.

Important question to ask a potential bride.

Maybe just trace your hand and call it a day?

What does the palm within that turkey foretell?

And what if you don’t cook a big-enough bird?

Don’t forget the side dishes.

But be sensitive.

Not too sensitive, though.

Also, remember Thanksgiving is a time to create the best version of yourself possible.

Janice is the best, the best. She’s a classy hotline lady with lots of experience.

Create your own traditions. Feats of strength aren’t just for Festivus.

Plan on leftovers.

The truth will set you free—and also makes for a nice nap.

It’s the small thing that looks sort of like onion, but also like garlic, and is hard to cut up and tastes mostly like mild onion. But don’t substitute onion because reasons.

Don’t be a slob because it’s a holiday about overindulgence. Take time to get dressed to the nines.

And invite guests. It’s what it’s all about.

When you’re tired of leftovers or need some strength to continue shopping.

You know what else Thanksgiving and Black Friday represent? It’s time to decorate for Christmas!

The other thing about Black Friday is there’s leftover pie, but that’s not why we’re here. No, we’re here because the other, other thing about Black Friday is you maniacs get up at like two in the morning, after all that turkey and wine, and trudge out to get your place in line. It causes a sort of “Walking Dead” effect. As such, if this happens, it’s all in your imagination. Probably.