Prince Harry and award-winning Deal or No Deal briefcase girl Meghan Markle are fleeing the United States in fear for their lives, alleging the “bonkers” First Amendment called them names and made them cry.
“The First Amendment came wearing a MAGA hat, pounded on our front door, and asked what the skin tone of our babies were going to be. It’s literally the most racist racism I have ever experienced, and I should know — I grew up in Los Angeles. My neighbors were literally Klan members!” a makeup-caked, swimsuit-clad Markle said in a viral TikTok with millions of views aimed at cornering the market on thirst trap-contemplative internet content.
She was hocking her new trademarked camera filter “Meghan Sparkle” that makes dashiki cloth rainbows come out of your ears.
“We were just trying to live a quiet life, minding our own business. Why can’t everyone leave us alone?” she continued, launching the #LeaveMeghanAlone campaign.
Markle finally gave Harry permission to speak, and unclasped his gag.
“They wuz callin’ me mean names, bruv,” he blubbered. “I ain’t no ‘Fairy Harry,’ mate. It’s like the homophobicness of it all, mucker. It’s like, all I could think about was my gay and trans friends, mate, and like, how sad they must feel, and that really made me feel sad, mate.”
“I ain’t no ‘Puke of Sussex,’ bruv. Like, how could you say the First Amendment protects your right to make me cry?” Hyperventilating Harry added.
“Okay, that’s enough,” Markle snapped, directing him to return to his timeout cage.
“They shouldn’t be able to get away with this!” said a ducklipped Markle as she gazed into the camera with a wink.
The couple said they are looking forward to returning to a legion of bearskin hat-wearing obese girlboss cops who will unload clips into a crowd at the sound of the smallest snicker. “They’re trained in the art of shooting early, often, and with their eyes closed,” Markle said.
Half-Baked Harry and Meghan have attempted to make money off of slandering the royal family since coming to the U.S., and after several failed and cringe-worthy attempts at making Markle seem like a human, they are retreating back into the loving, peaceful arms of their Muslim betters in Britain.
News of the Sussexes’ return reached Buckingham Palace on Friday, sparking questions as to whether King Charles III would soon be seeking doctor-assisted suicide because of profound despair, or at least a 240p video of him getting his head sawn off in Trafalgar Square in an honor killing.
As head of the Church of England, he was informed by his chief religious advisor Hussein bin Jaafar ibn Hamza Omar that honor killings were reserved only for girls 16 and under.
Markle said she plans to cultivate many meaningful friendships with their new Muslim neighbors, and wants to highlight their immense contributions to society and culture on her new halal cooking show, Mohammad’s Market.
The show has already joined an initiative in partnership with Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s tour to promote new behavioral guidelines asking Muslim migrants to please not rape their women and girls.
Markle plans to give out a homemade jar of jam for each week a Muslim migrant can go without raping someone. Producers of Mohammad’s Market are concerned the partnership will not bear fruit.
