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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 23

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I talk a bunch of trash about geese, but my white-hot hatred is not limited only to those wretched creatures. No, there is another, albeit also from Canada. He’s small and whiny and bald. He lives in an incompletely animated universe and actually gets excited about participation trophies.

For those fortunate enough to not know who I’m talking about, it’s Caillou. Caillou serenades me many mornings as I get ready for work because I’m a horrible parent who occupies the three-year-old with television while I get ready for work. It’s an enraging way to start the day.

Recently, the nanny arrived and “Daniel Tiger” was on instead. I told her I’d pushed an actual movie and failed. She replied, “At least it’s not ‘Caillou.’” I looked at her and said, “Yes, ’Caillou’ fills me with murderous rage.” Without missing a beat, she came back, “I’ll help you bury the body.”


We’re not alone.


People defend Caillou less than they defend geese.


No. One. Likes. Him.

I seriously almost cancelled Netflix for this very reason.


No jury of peers would convict him.


Of course he plays with glitter.


Now let’s talk about how strong he is.


Caillou?

Too bad she didn’t get to Caillou’s parents before it was too late.


Caillou would lose.


Okay, I’ll move on now. That stupid kid will grow up eventually and maybe, just maybe do something awesome.


Eliminate tipping and you’ll lose above and beyond service like this.


Maybe lie a little in this situation, unless it involves he who shall not be named.

Be as cunning as the snakes and as innocent as the doves.


I know someone who deserves one of these.


She really should’ve have known this was a bad idea.


Never talk shit to the moon.


Seriously, don’t talk shit to the moon.

This guy can talk shit to the moon.


Completely legitimate response.


Biden made a big announcement this week.


Do you like animals that openly hate you? Cats!


It was “Back to the Future II Day” this week. What a time to be alive.


The wolf was from “Back to the Future III.”


The rest was history.


Don’t forget the evil that is peanut butter.


“Uh, uh, uh, uh.”


Dads make the best jokes.


And are the best drivers.

Yes?


What? It rhymes.


Think there was a Pearl Jam song about this.


Never apologize for being passionate.


Still better than geese or Caillou.

Actually, it was Lightningkittens, but close enough.


Details.


This guy is my hero.


Okay, I kid, I kid. You should probably remember how many kids you have and not hit them with refrigerator doors. Unless your kid is a bald whiner who needs to toughen up a bit. Maybe ignore him and show him some tough love. In any case, ’til next week, assuming that little punk doesn’t drive me to do something rash. I’m just a dad who’s enraged and bored / With a little punk who’s four / Each day he makes me pour / Whiiiiiskeeeey.