I talk a bunch of trash about geese, but my white-hot hatred is not limited only to those wretched creatures. No, there is another, albeit also from Canada. He’s small and whiny and bald. He lives in an incompletely animated universe and actually gets excited about participation trophies.
For those fortunate enough to not know who I’m talking about, it’s Caillou. Caillou serenades me many mornings as I get ready for work because I’m a horrible parent who occupies the three-year-old with television while I get ready for work. It’s an enraging way to start the day.
Recently, the nanny arrived and “Daniel Tiger” was on instead. I told her I’d pushed an actual movie and failed. She replied, “At least it’s not ‘Caillou.’” I looked at her and said, “Yes, ’Caillou’ fills me with murderous rage.” Without missing a beat, she came back, “I’ll help you bury the body.”
The Canadians seem like a docile people then you remember they nurtured satan. Caillou must be stopped. The illuminati are among our young.
— Trendy Lady (@ladybroseph) December 6, 2013
We’re not alone.
Look lady, I'm sorry I kicked your stupid kid but in my defense he looks just like that little bitch Caillou.
— Scary Floyd (@dafloydsta) January 30, 2014
People defend Caillou less than they defend geese.
In order to teach my kids about humanity and kindness, I stabbed Caillou numerous times, putting him out of his misery.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) March 2, 2014
No. One. Likes. Him.
Caillou is French for "bald asshole".
— Austrian Deer Food (@sfreeze6) September 14, 2015
I seriously almost cancelled Netflix for this very reason.
Checks Netflix’s top picks. Sees “Caillou” on the list. BRB, doing to delete my Netflix account, then smash my Roku with a hammer.
— Peter Cook (@Slublog) July 5, 2015
No jury of peers would convict him.
[giving tour of house] Guest: What's in there? Me:[blocks door] Uh we're renovating. [camera cuts to Caillou bound & gagged in room]
— That Mothafucka™ (@Sal0630) November 6, 2014
Of course he plays with glitter.
Caillou didn't wash his hands before snack. Of course, he isn't ostracized like other kids because his hands have glitter on them. Figures.
— Laura (@Laura_Beth_02) September 22, 2015
Now let’s talk about how strong he is.
I have the strength of 8 Kittens
— Shōgun of Twîtter (@shwebby3) July 12, 2014
Instead of a hail of bullets I would like to go down in a light spring rain of bazooka shots.
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) October 20, 2015
Too bad she didn’t get to Caillou’s parents before it was too late.
Advice for people having children; Don't teach them to talk. Trust me.
— Blonde Calamity™ (@blondecalamity) October 21, 2015
Caillou would lose.
[me having fight with squirrel] [wife comes outside] [I pretend I'm feeding him] Wife: he likes you [wife goes inside &we carry on fighting]
— Your Pal, SCARY Dave (@T_N_Crumpets) October 22, 2015
Okay, I’ll move on now. That stupid kid will grow up eventually and maybe, just maybe do something awesome.
Your husband is a in a better place, Mrs. Smith. He's in the stomach of a shark now. How badass is that
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 30, 2014
Eliminate tipping and you’ll lose above and beyond service like this.
"Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?" "you mean cheese?" [waiter struggling to keep bowl covered] "that does make more sense actually"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) October 18, 2015
Maybe lie a little in this situation, unless it involves he who shall not be named.
Everyone has a place where they can just be themselves and I like to call it the scene of the crime.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) March 14, 2015
Be as cunning as the snakes and as innocent as the doves.
Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) August 21, 2013
I know someone who deserves one of these.
*designs complete line of "I still hate you" greeting cards
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) October 14, 2015
She really should’ve have known this was a bad idea.
I think everything that's happened lately can be traced back 2 weeks ago when I lit a candle on dead flowers & talked shit to the moon
— claudia martin (@cloudypianos) October 17, 2015
Never talk shit to the moon.
Weather update, year 2058: the sun and the ocean traded places, water is flames now. The sky just walked away. It's currently raining Santas
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 13, 2015
Seriously, don’t talk shit to the moon.
Not sure what I did wrong, but there are trees literally throwing leaves at me right now.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) October 20, 2015
This guy can talk shit to the moon.
[while turning into a werewolf] are u serious i literally just bought these pants
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 18, 2015
Completely legitimate response.
When I was 7 an ostrich bit me and I have since never forgiven the species. That should tell you everything you need to know about me.
— peetie rex (@ohpeetie) October 21, 2015
Biden made a big announcement this week.
Do you like animals that openly hate you? Cats!
[death row] GUARD: Ok, here's your last meal. Bon appétit. CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
— Scary Floyd (@dafloydsta) October 21, 2015
It was “Back to the Future II Day” this week. What a time to be alive.
Back to the Future day is really cool if you get obsessed with a date you saw in a movie one time.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) October 21, 2015
The wolf was from “Back to the Future III.”
…and when there was only one set of footprints in the sand, that's when Jesus was riding a sweet hover board from Back to the Future 2
— Count Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 21, 2015
The rest was history.
Hey Chuck? It's your cousin Marvin E. Cheese. You know that new restaurant theme you're looking for? Well listen to this…[ball pit sounds]
— Todd 'Pumpi' Kinlos (@TheToddWilliams) February 2, 2015
Don’t forget the evil that is peanut butter.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single kid was diagnosed with ADHD or gluten allergies
— Scary Terry F (@daemonic3) October 21, 2015
“Uh, uh, uh, uh.”
Pretty sure I just lost a rap battle to my stuttering coworker.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) October 22, 2015
Dads make the best jokes.
DAD: What happened to your car? SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn't work. DAD: Well… SON: Don't- DAD: There's no going back now
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) October 17, 2015
And are the best drivers.
*Drivers Test* "And THAT is how you parallel park" *puts out hand for high five* Instructor: Do you have to do it every time we change lanes
— F. Bill McMorris (@FBillMcMorris) October 21, 2015
What do you mean, "I need space," are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 7, 2015
What? It rhymes.
[Writing Silence of the Lambs] Anyone have an idea for the cannibal's name? Jim: Hannibal? Anyone? Jim: Hannibal Anyone other than Jim?
— Dr. Jimi, but scary (@jimmytorosian) March 23, 2015
Think there was a Pearl Jam song about this.
"Dad where do babies come from?" "Son, when birds & bees mate, they make us afterward. We're birdbees, son. Abominations. And we're hunted."
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 23, 2014
Never apologize for being passionate.
"So how was your date?" I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much "That wasn't a good idea" Yeah well, hindsight is 1
— Scary Terry F (@daemonic3) October 19, 2015
Still better than geese or Caillou.
Cat people – "cats are easier to look after" Dog people – "dogs are loyal" Fire Ant people – "my skin is burning. Where are my children"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) October 17, 2015
Actually, it was Lightningkittens, but close enough.
When the Thundercats were little they were called the Lightningcats because children should be seen and not heard.
— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) July 28, 2015
Wife: don't forget to pick the kids up from school Me: it's Saturday, they're both upstairs Wife: it's Wednesday & we have 3 kids
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 30, 2015
This guy is my hero.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can't see him 9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles* me *hits him in the face with the door*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 12, 2015
Okay, I kid, I kid. You should probably remember how many kids you have and not hit them with refrigerator doors. Unless your kid is a bald whiner who needs to toughen up a bit. Maybe ignore him and show him some tough love. In any case, ’til next week, assuming that little punk doesn’t drive me to do something rash. I’m just a dad who’s enraged and bored / With a little punk who’s four / Each day he makes me pour / Whiiiiiskeeeey.
What is the polar opposite of cautious? I'm that.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) October 18, 2015