Skip to content
Breaking News Alert Supreme Court Rules Bump Stock Ban Unlawful

How The Gretch Stole Christmas

The Gretch

Because the only way to be on the ‘Nice’ list this Christmas is to mask up and avoid your loved ones at all costs.


Everyone in Michigan likes Christmas a lot…
But the Gretch, who lives just south of the U.P., does NOT!
The Gretch hates Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
No need to ask why. We all know the reason.
Her head clearly isn’t screwed on just right.
For she claims the Wuhan virus will kill all in sight.
As part of her plan to ramp up social pressure
She’s indoctrinating the kids, just for good measure.

“Thank you for joining us!” she told kids on a Zoom call.
“I’m really excited to be here with all!”
She brought a special guest — oh, who could it be?
None other than Santa, concerned for safety.
He’s been “following the rules,” the Gretch said with a smirk,
And social distancing from elves when they all go to work.
“Hello, boys and girls! How are you?” Santa asked,
Making sure to stress he prefers to be masked.

Rather than sit on the lap of Saint Nick,
Kids asked health questions virtually to avoid getting sick.
No “What would you like for Christmas this year?”
Just political posturing and stoking of fear.
Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like COVID precautions.
Happy holidays — Now go to the sink and get washing!
The kids each took turns, asking Santa their questions,
While the true meaning of Christmas got not even a mention.

We’ll “set out hand sanitizer” for your cookies and milk,
One boy said, to the pleasure of Gretch and her ilk.
She replied with a smile, “That was a good suggestion.”
Then it was on to the next cringey, scripted question.
“How can we keep people safe?” came the query.
Just obey the Gretch, and there’s no need to worry.
Stay away from all of your loved ones and friends,
That’s the only way the pandemic will end.
“Stay home,” said the Gretch. You’d better comply.
Don’t you dare gather, or grandma will die.

“Social distance,” Santa warned, and “wash your hands.”
To be on the “Nice” list, follow all Gretch’s plans.
You must “wear your mask when you’re outside your home.”
To hell with the science. Spend Christmas alone.
This year must be “different,” they heard the Gretch say.
But it’s all for your safety, making tyranny OK.

Corona itself can’t kill the Christmas spirit.
But to keep her control, the Gretch needs us to fear it.
For next week, she knows, all the Michigan kin
Will wake bright and early and welcome friends in.
Constituents, young and old, will sit down to a feast.
And they’ll feast! And they’ll feast!
And they’ll FEAST! 

They’ll gather with loved ones, the lockdown will cease
Which is something the Gretch cannot stand in the least!
And then they’ll do something she likes least of all!
Every Christian in Michigan, the tall and the small,
Will stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They’ll stand hand-in-hand, and they all will start singing!
They’ll sing! And they’ll sing! And they’ll SING!
And the more the Gretch thinks of this whole Christmas Sing,
The more the Gretch thinks, I must stop this whole thing!

But she can’t. She has failed. Her people don’t trust her.
And with faith and all the good tidings they’ll muster,
The people of Michigan will celebrate the birth
Of a wonderful Savior who came down to Earth.
And no despot, not the Gretch, nor Pritzker, nor Cuomo
Not Bowser nor Newsom, not Evers nor de Blasio
Can take that away from each girl and each boy.
They can make their decrees, but they can’t steal our joy.

And the Gretch, with her Gretch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Will not understand: How could it be so?
It will come despite masks, It will come just the same
Despite lockdowns and lies and political games.
For Christmas isn’t about being safe, no sir
COVID or not, the years pass in a blur.
So don’t listen to Gretch, don’t give in to fear.
Hold your loved ones close, lest they be gone next year.

Merry Christmas, America, you courageous risk-takers!
Enjoy your vacation-home — as will the elite “Nice”-list fakers.