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5 Perfect Ways To Celebrate Trump’s Inevitable Acquittal

Acquittal Day is just around the corner. Here are some tips to make the most of yours.


In a few days time, Americans, well, some Americans anyway will have cause for celebration as the impeachment of Donald J. Trump will be over and he will still be living at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Americans from coast to coast, or at least inside the coasts, will watch that Grinch grin curl over Mitch McConnell’s face and feel their hearts grow two sizes too big.

On this day when the gavel falls on the failed attempt to overturn the election of 2016, let us make merry. Let us cheer democracy and laugh at the media, with mirth let us hold the day special and celebrate its joy. But how? There are many ways that one might party the president’s win, but I humbly offer five suggestions to make the most of Acquittal Day.

1. Eat Fast Food

Among the many things that Trump has taught us is that fast food isn’t just for a quick bite, it can in fact play a role at much fancier fetes. So just as the president did when then national football champion Clemson came to the White House, pull out the fancy china and grab some White Castle.

POTUS loves fast food, whether you see him on Air Force One pounding a quarter pounder or wishing everyone a happy Cinco de Mayo with a delicious Trump Tower Taco Bowl, this is a president who eats like a real American. So ditch the diet, grab a bucket of chicken and stuff your face for freedom.

2. Laugh At CNN

I am generally not a strong proponent of schadenfreude, it’s a little too mean spirited for my taste, but as with everything there are special occasions when it may be embraced in moderation. On Acquittal Day, the airways of cable news networks like CNN and MSNBC will be filled with the best television content since the Seinfeld finale.

There you will be treated to anger at the Senate, disdain for Trump and his supporters, sadness at the sorry state of America, self adulation for being the bright shining light of truth surrounded by darkness, and finally, a stern-faced commitment that the fight is not over. It’ll be a hoot. Like listening the other town’s sports radio the day after yours beat theirs in the Super Bowl.

3. Buy A Gun

This isn’t what I’m going to be doing because I don’t considerer myself responsible enough to own a gun, like, I’d lose it or something, but for many people more organized than myself gun ownership brings a certain satisfaction. Go out to the shooting range, try a few out, see what grabs you.

What better way to celebrate the stunning defeat of a party that wants to take away the right to own guns than by buying a few. Free marketing advice for all the gun shops out there: Have a sale, an Acquittal Day Special.

4. Meme Meme Meme

Speaking of special, Acquittal Day is going to be a very special day on Twitter. Experts have predicted that the asinine hot take to normal tweet ratio will reach historic highs. Rather than try to keep up with the blather in real time, do yourself a favor and be prepared. Start looking for hysterical GIFs now, get those Photoshop skills working.

This kind of target rich environment likely won’t come again until Trump is reelected. So strike while the iron is hot. You can be sure the White House will. And maybe, just maybe if your pith is on target, you could get a retweet from the big guy.

5. Make A Perfect Phone Call

Have you ever made a perfect phone call? Not a good phone call, not an important or happy phone call, but a perfect phone call? Probably not. President Trump has perfect phone calls all the time without even trying; it’s just a well-developed natural gift. But that doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t make our first perfect phone call to commemorate Acquittal Day.

Some things you’ll need are a phone, someone to call who also has a phone, and, actually that’s all you need. Since you’re not Donald Trump you’ll probably want to practice the call a few times, probably in front of a mirror. If you wish, you can combine this with fast food and place a perfect pizza order, you can even withhold funds until the pizza arrives.

However we choose to mark the occasion, Acquittal Day promises to be a great one for America. But we must also remember the lessons it brings, great lessons. But none so vital as this: Going forward you should carry on with your life as if nothing happened, because nothing did.