Batman’s an atheist now, you guys. Well, not exactly. After suffering a bit of an existential crisis, Bruce Wayne is questioning his faith in anything, not just the Triune God.
The Caped Crusader is more of a Doubting Descartes than a Determined Dawkins these days. Or, as Rich Cromwell put it, Batman is not so much an atheist as he is a slightly-more-lapsed-than-your-average Episcopalian.
So if the revelation about Batman’s lack of faith makes you fear that your children can no longer look up to a fornicating, spandex-wearing, deranged vigilante, don’t be afraid. Until Batman trades in the cowl for a fedora, he’s still the perfect role model for your seven-year-old.
Batman’s newfound lack of faith raises an interesting question: what do the rest of the folks in comic book land believe? Aside from pious Catholics like Nightcrawler and Daredevil (to whatever extent vigilantes can be pious Catholics), religious devotion is not a common feature of today’s superheroes, at least in their cinematic and small-screen forms.
If you’re looking for an accurate list of comic book characters’ religious affiliations, check out this website, where we learn that Lois Lane is Catholic and Captain Underpants is Jewish. If, however, you’re looking for completely un-researched, slightly offensive, and wildly inaccurate speculation about the religious beliefs of various characters based on their biographies and personality quirks, I’m here to help.
Here are the religious affiliations of your favorite superheroes and super-villains.
Highly revered by his followers and largely mysterious to the outside world, the leader of the X-Men claims he can neutralize malevolent psychic parasites within people’s minds. He’s also confident, well-spoken, and quick to reveal your darkest secrets if he deems you a suppressive person.
Arrogant and bossy, this laser-eyed mutant is always convinced that he’s in charge, even though nobody likes him.
Charismatic, self-promoting, and technology-obsessed, Tony Stark is an accountability-despising bagillionaire who justifies his opulence and recklessness by insisting that it’s all for the betterment of the world around him. Also a womanizer.
A green-organism-loving, mopey bore who is utterly obsessed with resource scarcity, Thanos is convinced that the best way to save the planet (and the universe) is to eliminate half the population.
Wonder Woman is a socially awkward young woman who keeps blathering on about her devotion to gods and goddesses that nobody else has worshipped for thousands of years.
Black Panther (T’Challa)
An almost irritatingly polite man, Black Panther faithfully takes part in the secret rituals of a society centered on precious metal buried in the ground via divine intervention. Unlike the previous generations of his people, however, he now wants to share these treasures with those of every race.
He’s normally a kind and thoughtful individual, but whenever Bruce Banner grows angry, he morphs into the Hulk, an uncontrollable ball of fury and violence. The Hulk loves to smash his enemies almost as much as he loves to smash the guys on his own team.
Religion: Traditionalist Catholic
Spider-Man (Peter Parker)
Venom (Eddie Brock)
This sharp-tongued Spider-Man arch-villain is a hero in his own mind, but he struggles to find an identity apart from being the guy who hates the guy who threw him out all those years ago.
A 30ish white, feline-obsessed American woman who is prone to win a man’s heart, steal his money, and escape to a carefree existence overseas until she gets the urge to start the cycle again.
Religion: Eat, Pray, Love
Although Jewish in the comics, Magneto gives us many reasons to think he’s converted to another faith. He constantly gossips about his best friend, steals members from other flocks, and obsesses over flashy headwear. Local waiters also say he’s a bad tipper at Sunday brunch.
Religion: Middle-aged Baptist church lady
Religion: Founder of the Church of England
When the dunder-headed masses look at Lex Luthor, they see an eminently successful businessman and a lovable philanthropist. But beneath the humanitarian exterior lies the heart of a power-mad criminal mastermind bent on world domination and overly complex real estate schemes.
Religion: Whatever Elon Musk is.