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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 95

By: Rich Cromwell
10 min read

She’d tried them all, and suffered many disgusting concoctions, yet never found the potion that would transform her into a Yeti or a demiurge.

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Rich Cromwell
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The van rolled slowly as it crossed into downtown and its cobblestone streets, jostling all those inside as they attempted to prevent their cargo from being destroyed. They carried only one item, although there were eight men assigned to the task. This was the ninth mirror they would deliver to this particular house, the owner having broken the previous eight in disgust.

It’s not that she was displeased with what she saw when she gazed upon her reflection, but the fact that it was her own reflection to begin with. She had followed the recipes from her haunted cookbook of dark magic precisely, yet she remained human rather than being transformed into one of the fantastic creatures listed in the pages.

She’d tried them all, and suffered many disgusting concoctions in the process, yet never found the potion that would transform her into a Yeti or a demiurge or a werewolf or even a vampire, which is why she was always so angry at the mirror.

A man watched through the keyhole in the room next to where the workers installed this latest mirror, munching on generic jellybeans. Our would-be sorceress finished her latest potion and stepped in front of the delivery, whispering to herself.


The man wasn’t actually concerned with that project. He was hungry and hoping for a regular home-cooked meal. He probably should’ve started in his own home rather than wandering into random ones, but his was so empty.


Juliet refrained from breaking the mirror and instead complained one of the scullery maids, but the servant had other things on her mind.


There was also the possibility that she wasn’t getting the words just right when conducting the spells. Then help arrived.


When preparing a menu, it’s good to have a friend who knows her way around the wine list. Perhaps the pairing was off and that’s why the spells kept failing.


It was then that a man appeared in the kitchen and began tearing the place up.


Music drifted from another room. It was a portent of action and adventure to come.


The house shook with each note, the bowl of jelly beans vibrating like puddles of water in that movie about the really big lizards.


Frightened by the quivering jelly beans and the constant attempts at dark magic, one man decided to take matters into his own hands.


On the way out, he passed security.


Alas, the trip to the library was going to be a wild one.


Upon arriving, he found an interesting documentary on the history of haunted cookbooks. As it turns out, early rockets came back with more payload than they departed with.


A professional was brought in to observe the cooking process. Maybe she wasn’t quite professional enough, though.


As if the ingredients for these spells weren’t terrifying enough, Juliet learned an even grimmer truth about one of the staples of most of the recipes.


Jennifer had other questions.


I just laughed and laughed and laughed.


Then I laughed some more, until I forgot what I was laughing about.


That’s just one less ingredient to pick up at the grocery store. Talk about a revenge fail.


Meanwhile, in the backyard, a formidable group of opponents was about to lose their most potent member.


Back inside the house, another scheme was arising. Would it result in destruction? Probably not as that was where the dude from the future was trying to emerge.


And in the kitchen, the dark side of dark magic revealed itself.


And with the addition of this bird, Juliet was one step closer to perhaps finally realizing her dreams.


But there were a few more ingredients to gather. Crucial ingredients.


Back to the scullery maid, who was increasingly perturbed by her failed attempts to put reading glasses on a cat. She had a breakdown and those around her pondered what to do.


The library erupted as the truth about space travel cascaded out through the stacks.


With the cookbook and the spells and the cat in reading glasses and the pelican and the snake, things started to take shape inside the house.


It was then that Annie arrived and helped solve the puzzle that had thus far stumped our heroine.


While Jeff offered far less assistance, but looked good while doing so.


So are you saying they’ll help out or nah?


Jeff was actually helpful here.


That’s what we all had for breakfast, too!


That’s when the ragtag crew began to converge on the kitchen. Some were more reluctant than others.


It was an elegant affair and people wore their best.


The tension was palpable, though.


Maybe because this was the musical act.


Do you not hear the tune being played?


Meanwhile, where was I?


Ah, yes, this is what I was thinking of.


Anyway…


The meeting was underway and all the necessary parties in attendance. It was then that a voice boomed out across the room.


Some of the ingredients were more aggressive than others, but that just added to the magic.


Okay, look, man, turns of phrase aren’t really central to our proceedings, but I hope you enjoy yourself.


The flames roared beneath the pot, causing the contents to boil and bubble. To be honest, it smelled absolutely horrid, but that was probably to be expected.

Annie cheered her on while Jeff lifted his pinky. Bob seductively unbuttoned the shirt on his cat costume while everyone stared in rapt amazement, dark magic slowly enveloping the scene as the brew finished cooking.

Everyone took a sip from the giant ladle, but nothing immediately happened. They stared at one another, bewildered, then they started to feel the effects of the potion. All, that is, but one rather research assistant. She was armed, she was prepared. As the roars erupted through the house, she pounced. Afterwards, though, she was a most cordial host and kept the mirror out for everyone in the room to stroll by.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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