The van rolled slowly as it crossed into downtown and its cobblestone streets, jostling all those inside as they attempted to prevent their cargo from being destroyed. They carried only one item, although there were eight men assigned to the task. This was the ninth mirror they would deliver to this particular house, the owner having broken the previous eight in disgust.
It’s not that she was displeased with what she saw when she gazed upon her reflection, but the fact that it was her own reflection to begin with. She had followed the recipes from her haunted cookbook of dark magic precisely, yet she remained human rather than being transformed into one of the fantastic creatures listed in the pages.
She’d tried them all, and suffered many disgusting concoctions in the process, yet never found the potion that would transform her into a Yeti or a demiurge or a werewolf or even a vampire, which is why she was always so angry at the mirror.
A man watched through the keyhole in the room next to where the workers installed this latest mirror, munching on generic jellybeans. Our would-be sorceress finished her latest potion and stepped in front of the delivery, whispering to herself.
I just wanna be able to freak you out a little. Is that too much to ask?
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) January 15, 2017
The man wasn’t actually concerned with that project. He was hungry and hoping for a regular home-cooked meal. He probably should’ve started in his own home rather than wandering into random ones, but his was so empty.
If you see Beth, tell her I love her. She cut my sandwich diagonally. I told her to get out of my life. She may still have bread in her hair
— Rev Thurl Ravenscrof (@2tickytacky) April 21, 2016
Juliet refrained from breaking the mirror and instead complained one of the scullery maids, but the servant had other things on her mind.
Sorry, I didn’t hear anything you just said because I was picturing a cat wearing reading glasses.
— Baby Bionic Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) June 7, 2016
There was also the possibility that she wasn’t getting the words just right when conducting the spells. Then help arrived.
I don’t mean to put words in your mouth, but the ones you were using were stupid.
— What A Wonderful Meh (@TheAlexNevil) August 9, 2015
When preparing a menu, it’s good to have a friend who knows her way around the wine list. Perhaps the pairing was off and that’s why the spells kept failing.
I like to christen new boyfriends by breaking a bottle of Pinot Noir over their heads.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) August 22, 2014
It was then that a man appeared in the kitchen and began tearing the place up.
I know I’m getting close to perfecting my time machine, because I’ve caught several older versions of myself attempting to sabotage my lab.
— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) August 11, 2016
Music drifted from another room. It was a portent of action and adventure to come.
Wanna come over and watch me play the keyboard? If I leave the training thing on where the keys light up I can play the Indiana Jones theme.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) March 27, 2017
The house shook with each note, the bowl of jelly beans vibrating like puddles of water in that movie about the really big lizards.
Jeff Goldblum comes to read The Gift of The Magi but pauses occasionally to say: “Hear that? It’s an impact tremor. I’m fairly alarmed here”
— @Henry_3k (@Henry_3k) December 25, 2016
Frightened by the quivering jelly beans and the constant attempts at dark magic, one man decided to take matters into his own hands.
I’m swinging by the library to pick up some tax forms and check out their new releases on VHS if you guys need anything.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 23, 2017
On the way out, he passed security.
My house is guarded by an attack cat. Not really it’s just me with magic marker whiskers and a blacked out nose I actually look really cute.
— Böb Your Pal Jänke (@Bob_Janke) July 26, 2014
Alas, the trip to the library was going to be a wild one.
I never know what to do with my arms when I’m driving.
— Jason Hunzeker (@hunz74) October 26, 2016
Upon arriving, he found an interesting documentary on the history of haunted cookbooks. As it turns out, early rockets came back with more payload than they departed with.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) September 15, 2016
A professional was brought in to observe the cooking process. Maybe she wasn’t quite professional enough, though.
I confuse rays of sunlight with laser beams. Note that.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) April 1, 2017
As if the ingredients for these spells weren’t terrifying enough, Juliet learned an even grimmer truth about one of the staples of most of the recipes.
If you need some fuel in your nightmare tank, I just read that slugs have 3,000 teeth.
— Tony (@Tmoney68) April 6, 2017
Jennifer had other questions.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 5, 2017
I just laughed and laughed and laughed.
Now you’re all in my head and I’m not gonna lie to you, it’s scary in there.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) April 5, 2017
Then I laughed some more, until I forgot what I was laughing about.
Being a full-time meddler is
not especially profitable, but
highly satisfying calling.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) March 29, 2017
That’s just one less ingredient to pick up at the grocery store. Talk about a revenge fail.
I chased a snake into my neighbor’s yard with a rake today because I still remember that time she didn’t wave back at me.
— Jessi (@wheresthesnacks) July 12, 2016
Meanwhile, in the backyard, a formidable group of opponents was about to lose their most potent member.
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
— Elvish Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) April 1, 2017
Back inside the house, another scheme was arising. Would it result in destruction? Probably not as that was where the dude from the future was trying to emerge.
Let’s get drunk and guard a haunted clock.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) April 2, 2017
And in the kitchen, the dark side of dark magic revealed itself.
The third press of the 30s button triggered the microwave’s reverse Dorian Gray effect, revealing the raddled harridan Conway had become.
— Crazy Myra (@OutOnTheMoors) March 30, 2017
And with the addition of this bird, Juliet was one step closer to perhaps finally realizing her dreams.
A Facebook video just taught me how to catch a pelican with my bare hands. This is gonna be an awesome summer!
— Piece (@Piecezilla) March 29, 2017
But there were a few more ingredients to gather. Crucial ingredients.
Have fun with your community organizing. I’ll be over here building a series of giant magnets to attract meteors from deep space.
— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) April 3, 2017
Back to the scullery maid, who was increasingly perturbed by her failed attempts to put reading glasses on a cat. She had a breakdown and those around her pondered what to do.
OK before I ask what’s wrong, will this inconvenience me in any way, shape or form?
— kanye’s bhole (@bossy_bootz) April 3, 2017
The library erupted as the truth about space travel cascaded out through the stacks.
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 31, 2017
With the cookbook and the spells and the cat in reading glasses and the pelican and the snake, things started to take shape inside the house.
Sometimes I think I shouldn’t have opened that ancient sarcophagus and other times I think AMUN-RA WILL BATHE IN A RIVER OF HUMAN BLOOD
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) March 30, 2017
It was then that Annie arrived and helped solve the puzzle that had thus far stumped our heroine.
Pleasant, 40ish, female seeks zany caper. Skills include the ability to identify ideas that are so crazy, they just might work.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) July 27, 2016
While Jeff offered far less assistance, but looked good while doing so.
When I encounter something to my liking, I say “Formidable!” then do the French maitre d’ kissy-fingers thing so yeah I’m pretty classy
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) April 1, 2017
So are you saying they’ll help out or nah?
I’ve got at least two or three parasitic twins.
— Lørd Frøy (@LordFroy) March 26, 2017
Jeff was actually helpful here.
Hapless? Oh no, darling. I said handsome. Now, fetch me a drink, hmm?
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) March 29, 2017
That’s what we all had for breakfast, too!
On this day in rock history, Jimmy Page ate part of an acid-laced blueberry and got a little bit woozy.
— Damon Hunzeker (@DamonHunzeker) March 30, 2017
That’s when the ragtag crew began to converge on the kitchen. Some were more reluctant than others.
I hate it when an adorable child erroneously grabs my hand confusing me as a parental figure and I have to pretend I’m a mannequin.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) March 29, 2017
It was an elegant affair and people wore their best.
If you wear a monocle while using the Coinstar machine people will assume you’re a millionaire.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) April 4, 2017
The tension was palpable, though.
you seem very angry and this pleases me.
— The Getaway Girl (@The_GetawayGirl) March 24, 2017
Maybe because this was the musical act.
In Hell’s Ninth Circle, Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” is played badly in acoustic by a second rate local musician continuously forever.
— Ghost Talking (@spiritusloquens) March 31, 2017
Do you not hear the tune being played?
Don’t just threaten me with a good time when you can simply ruin me.
— Я. (@iinkedZombie) August 23, 2015
Meanwhile, where was I?
Editor: you almost done with your article?
Me: [googling “how do sharks bang”] yup!
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 29, 2017
Ah, yes, this is what I was thinking of.
Most days I amaze myself and the others I amaze everyone else.
— busty&blunt (@attsmcjay) March 31, 2017
If you hold up you hand in a “stop” gesture and say ACCCTUALLY, any information that follows is automatically factual.
— Anna Grace (@graceful_asfuck) April 6, 2017
The meeting was underway and all the necessary parties in attendance. It was then that a voice boomed out across the room.
Welcome to Euphemism Club, I’m Kevin, the new president-
He’s living on a farm…upstate. With lots of other club presidents
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) February 23, 2017
Some of the ingredients were more aggressive than others, but that just added to the magic.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
— Sharky (@foodfacenow) March 29, 2017
Okay, look, man, turns of phrase aren’t really central to our proceedings, but I hope you enjoy yourself.
There’s a tornado in my south pasture, she said euphemistically.
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) April 3, 2017
The flames roared beneath the pot, causing the contents to boil and bubble. To be honest, it smelled absolutely horrid, but that was probably to be expected.
Annie cheered her on while Jeff lifted his pinky. Bob seductively unbuttoned the shirt on his cat costume while everyone stared in rapt amazement, dark magic slowly enveloping the scene as the brew finished cooking.
Everyone took a sip from the giant ladle, but nothing immediately happened. They stared at one another, bewildered, then they started to feel the effects of the potion. All, that is, but one rather research assistant. She was armed, she was prepared. As the roars erupted through the house, she pounced. Afterwards, though, she was a most cordial host and kept the mirror out for everyone in the room to stroll by.
I brought a jelly sandwich to catch a Yeti and still have leftovers in the kryogenic containment unit.
— taffí benīngtøn (@singwithTaffy) March 28, 2017