Once again, we’ve reached that magical time of the year. Summer is beginning to relax the death grip she’s held on us so we might prepare for an icier one. Sure, the temperatures won’t fall just yet, but the pumpkin spice and warm fall colors and the return of treacherous fiends reminds us that fall is upon us.
Many discuss the changing of the leaves and the cornucopias, yet miss the other tradition that goes along with this change from summer to fall. That’s right, it’s getting to be murder season. Soon movies and made-for-TV movies and television will be replete, well more replete than normal, with thrillers designed to set us on edge. We haven’t yet started planning for Christmas. Give it time, for soon we will.
It's no coincidence that abduction and seduction sound an awful lot alike and I, for one, am interested
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) May 9, 2016
The best part of hugging is whispering "this is the end of your rotten life" into their ear.
— Katrina Ramone (@EyeSeeYou619) September 14, 2016
Never settle, even if it’s the moment of your demise.
[being murdered] Are those gloves latex free? I have a sensitivity.
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) August 17, 2016
Conversely, the best offense is a good defense.
[being murdered]Murderer: I'm gonna murder you.Me: *sprinkles Legos around me in a circle*Murderer: Oh. Never mind.
— Minion (@miffedmim) August 30, 2016
This is very sound advice.
Never wear white pants after Labor Day or when attending a chainsaw massacre.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) September 4, 2016
Look, she wore it better.
*On Red Carpet""Lady Gaga is wearing a meat dress and it's fabulous!!"Buffalo Bill: oh come on!!
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) September 12, 2016
Ah, yes, the old hat trick.
Be my friend on Facebook! Follow me on Twitter! Brutally murder me on Craigslist!
— Goats? (@Gooooats) September 13, 2016
“Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
I got a new tattoo of a raven to try and scare children.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) September 14, 2016
I like the way she thinks. ‘Tis the season, after all.
In the event of my untimely demise, I'm planning my funeral with the same fervor other girls plan their hypothetical weddings.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) September 14, 2016
For when you don’t want to give the personal touch afforded by a katana.
Actions really do speak louder than words… *shifts car into reverse and runs you over again*
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) February 6, 2015
Other times, only the personal touch will do.
*adorably scoots closer*"I'm really cold…""…blooded."*stabs him to death in a super cute, little way*
— Tater Tot (@darkmatter_wimp) August 26, 2016
Which is why you should forge ahead with it. Do one thing every day that scares you or whatever.
If you're not sure whether something is a terrible idea…it definitely is.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) September 13, 2016
Good, good. They’re much less likely to find you this way.
I'm fluent in silence
— tenley (@ProudFFAalumni) May 29, 2015
I think he’s describing a scene from “Se7en.”
Narrator: With a corndog between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.
— Caetano Bravo (@cbdoubleu) September 9, 2016
So, like all of them?
I love a girl that threatens in the morning.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) September 15, 2016
Coming soon to SyFY.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
— spacegirl ncognito (@iamspacegirl) June 5, 2016
Now’s your chance. Break out in a musical number!
Would you please shut up as we are running low on duct tape here.
— Pseudo Someone (@Sleinso) July 24, 2016
He might have the shine.
A group of crows in a mirror is called a REDЯUM
— Terry F (@daemonic3) November 23, 2015
Having three daughters makes me think she’s not joking here.
Little girls may be made of sugar and spice, but women are made of murderous intentions and more murderous intentions.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) September 13, 2016
You want to look your best, no matter what happens.
Fire burn caldron bubbleEye of newt toe of frogWool of bat tongue of dog"Is that the Song of the Witches?
"It's a homeopathic face mask— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) September 13, 2016
This movie ultimately ended up being part of the Criterion Collection. “Dazed and Confused,” maybe?
[1st date]HER: i'm in film schoolME: *trying to impress her* i once filmed you from outside your windoWAIT COME BACK WHERE ARE YOU GOING
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) September 7, 2016
Plus being against the tree is a better defensive position from a strategic standpoint.
Laying down on a park bench because you're too tired to sit up is a gateway drug to homelessness, I think as I prop myself up on a tree.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) September 8, 2016
On the other hand, you probably wouldn’t experience this if you were sleeping on a park bench.
Some mornings I'd rather keep having nightmares than waking up.
— Miss Malbec (@MissMalbec) July 13, 2016
So, like all of them?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
— Stewnami (@stewnami) July 31, 2016
But do you sleep on a park bench?
I do a lot of really feral things.— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) September 12, 2016
It’s when they stop wanting this that you have to worry. Don’t fear the reaper; fear indifference.
Don't worry. I still want to murder you.
— Megazord (@WaluigiLover) September 12, 2016
Who knows what sort of demon he’s summoning. I suggest we back away quickly.
Nevermind why I'm playing Adele's song 'Hello' backwards.
— A Human Being (@dhumann) May 5, 2016
What rhymes with stabbing?
It's time for the admittance of wrongdoings. Bring the rhymes!
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) September 10, 2016
Time to turn that rhyme into a home.
If you have a ghost haunting your house and you don't want it, I will take it please, I'm lonely.
— Baby Bionic Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) August 16, 2016
Plus the buyers are gonna put their own spin on it anyway.
It's 2016. Your house will sell better if you leave the kill room as is.
— Lizard Queen (@AmnesiaRose) September 8, 2016
It also deters would-be home invaders because it appears so daunting a challenge.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
— Sparky ️ (@crunchenhanced) July 17, 2014
Maybe the best defense is a good offense.
*rolling 12 sided dice at craps table*C'mon! Daddy needs a new pair of ice enchanted elven daggers
— Fury Pesto (@RocketRankoon) March 28, 2016
For real. What’s up with that?
It's like nobody offers up their first born child as a bribe anymore
— Optimistic Pugnado (@LuvPug) September 5, 2016
This guy fetched a really high price, but he also possessed dark magic.
[Whispering to 4 year old]You're so small and puny.I'd be embarrassed to be you. I was born 12 years old and already knew how to juggle.
— Markvellous (@NotMarkAllen) September 9, 2016
And he was right.
"There's no evidence this pyramid is cursed" he said while floating in the center of the tomb, inexplicably illuminated.
— nvixv (@novixv) August 28, 2016
But the sound has such a full body.
I always decline becoming an organ donor. Not that I don't want to help people, but that's not an instrument I want to drive everywhere with
— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) September 11, 2016
My date who is a jellyfish: I paralyze my victims & slowly devour them.Me who is depressed: Yeah that's fine.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 2, 2016
So, like all of them?
[Holds chloroform-soaked rag to your face. Kisses your forehead. Pushes you into hope chest. Covers you in afghans]
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) August 30, 2016
Just go with it. It’s part of the rich tapestry that unifies us as people.
Corpses are appropriating my culture by being dead inside.
— zara (@ohheyitszara) August 21, 2016
In fairness, it is the car with the exact sort of storage you need for disposing of evidence.
My spirit animal is drunk and drives an El Camino.
— lamedad (@jergarl) September 11, 2016
If you’re going to have to clean up a giant mess and bust out the stain stick, it’s best to be.
I'm not lazy, I'm selective.— busty
&blunt (@attsmcjay) September 13, 2016
On aisle three, where they keep the bleach and stain sticks.
I need to stand by the ocean and just yell. But I am no where near an ocean tonight, so this grocery aisle will suffice.
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) September 13, 2016
You know what, Miss Ninja, just take them both out.
I look forward to the day I stop confusing Warren Buffet for Jimmy Buffet.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) September 3, 2016
Could’ve been throwing stars, but at least it wasn’t glitter.
I'm sorry I threw confetti at you right after we broke up.
— Miss Moneypenny (@MoneypennyNaked) July 16, 2015
And they say romance is dead.
If you wake up in the back of a strange van, he's probably just taking you for a really nice dinner but doesn't want you to see where.
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) September 4, 2016
The thing is though, for all the hype that the entertainment industry throws up, the truth is somewhere else.
Me (being murdered): This is just…okay
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) July 25, 2016
This approach is much subtler, but equally deadly. Beware of the buzzing, beware.
It's a gorgeous day, so I'm planting flowers that will attract killer bees to keep unwanted guests away.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) September 3, 2016
Now get out there and enjoy all that life has to offer, from Uggs to infinity scarves to the knives hidden beneath. For as long as you can hear requests for the aforementioned pumpkin spice and trips to go look at foliage, you have nothing to worry about. Remember, though, things always get oh so quiet before they get incredibly loud, vengeful, and sharp. Beware the silence.
If a man is silent, you can bet he's enjoying his peace and quiet. If a woman is silent, lol good luck.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) August 19, 2016