The alarm erupts, emitting beeps forged in the crucible of Hell, designed to rouse even the deepest of sleepers from their torpor. A hand reaches out and delivers a blow to the button atop the clock. Nine minutes later, the scene is repeated. Nine minutes later, again. Nine minutes later, the hand moves from the button to the slider and turns the alarm to the off position.
Covers thrown back, feet swing to the floor, the body to which they’re attached forgetting what was thrown there the previous night. It’s too late, though. The soft embellishments fulfill their duty, sending the man who occupies that body tumbling headfirst into a wall. Then, all is again black.
He awakes, his head swimming as he tries to make sense of his situation. It’s all murky, except for one thing. He knows he must stand up and start a project with one goal: world domination. So he lurches to the shower to freshen up and get on with things.
He would be a fierce ally in the fight against decorative pillows.
The Incredible Hulk unable to get a high score stands sadly next to dozens of completely demolished Whack-a-mole machines.
— Turd Ferguson (@generaldietz) May 31, 2016
Some people think Hulk was transformed by gamma radiation, but he had another secret weapon in his arsenal.
[Rage yoga]
Yogi: Find any tension in your body
Breathe
Hatred into it
More
Fill yourself with tension
Don't give in to reason
Become fury— Minion (@miffedmim) August 15, 2016
He also relies on some physical triggers.
I read an inspirational quote that you should do one thing every day that scares you, so today I'm going to fill my car with bees.
— ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 23, 2016
It’s not all fisticuffs and rage, though. Being a superhero also includes tender moments.
[Girl's night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven't had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man's GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) August 8, 2016
There is also the fact that no matter how much good you do, you’re going to face people who aren’t really into to rampant property destruction. Embrace it.
[while being attacked by angry mob] this feels right
— beth (@bourgeoisalien) August 21, 2016
There are many paths to greatness. If all of us had the same beginning, we wouldn’t be as effective a fighting force.
https://twitter.com/House_Feminist/status/767818264848117760
For some, it is a means to achieve greatness while satisfying our intrinsic desires.
You've disturbed me.
Do it again.
— Fickle Filly (@Fickle_Filly) August 14, 2016
Other times, we must nurture it even as we are derided for it.
https://twitter.com/Rachelnoise/status/767557243571101697
Whatever path you take, you must develop your skills. Often, it will be a miserable struggle.
https://twitter.com/Piecezilla/status/768841953639141377
There will be failures.
[Stormtrooper places blaster barrel firmly against Luke's forehead] I have you now Jedi.
Misses and shoots Lt. Commander Worf
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) August 22, 2016
There will be those who refuse to accept our ascent toward greatness.
https://twitter.com/philco816/status/758320305454534657
And there’s always the possibility that your legacy will be darker than you intended. Noble intentions don’t guarantee noble results.
Sure, I want to accomplish amazing things and leave a legacy, but it'll probably end up being something Typhoid Mary-ish.
— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) August 4, 2016
You could also be living wholly in your mind. There are worse fates.
The Matrix (1999)- a nerd does drugs that he can't handle so he freaks out and thinks he is inside a computer doing karate.
Runtime(136min)— Ninjar (@_NinJar) October 26, 2014
The thing about superheroes, and super villains, is they surprise their opponents with unconventional weapons.
I brought kindness to a knife fight. Don't mistakenly think I won't kill you with it.
— She’s A Real Genius (@ShesARealGenius) March 23, 2015
They are also shamed anytime they take a moment off, even though that means they’re not destroying property.
[Batman vs SuperMan]
*Both crying on the couch going thru family photo albums*
*Alfred rolling his eyes*
"You two are fuckin ridiculous"— J (@DocHolliJay) March 23, 2016
Don’t forget theme music.
my band is called Death Nun Wank Grenade. if u wanna join we have practice every Tuesday in my stepdad's garage. Bring Dr Pepper and a smile
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) August 11, 2016
Or to let your innate talents flow freely.
The average woman contains enough venom to kill a man.
— Boo Meringue (@Izianikapani) July 28, 2016
Don’t show your hand, though.
I'm sneering on the inside.
— Nuclear Winter (@4SLars) August 18, 2016
Emerge from your shell like a turtle, perhaps of the ninja variety, and just kick ass.
https://twitter.com/jergarl/status/749450809348202496
She’s not the hero we deserve, but the one we need right now.
Their spaceships razed our cities.
One child was left, but cursed with immortality. Her only job?
Tell visitors to Earth,
"For Harambe"
— Nictitating Manbrain (@robotmouthfarts) August 20, 2016
You deliver blows to the face, that’s what you do.
When someone gives me a compliment, I never know what to do with my arms.
— Tater 🍁🐾 (@TrueTorontoGirl) August 24, 2016
Oh yeah, this is an origin story.
When I was 8, I once wore my pajamas under my clothes all day a la Fred Flintstone.
So don't worry sons, I've set the bar pretty low.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 25, 2016
The Fragrancer: Origins.
A fearless woman
Driving a vintage car by the ocean
Wild hair
Stops in a busy intersection
And sprays perfume-Random fragrance commercials
— Marl Lalala lala la la (@Marlebean) August 23, 2016
The Weird Neighbor: Origins.
And it's pouring rain again.
Time to put my bee costume on and tap dance outside again.— Sooz (@CruisinSoozan) July 12, 2016
Whatever happens, make sure you have a lair. You aren’t shit without a lair.
Me: And this is the beer room.
Guest: I think most people just call it a kitchen.
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) August 23, 2016
Scoff if you must, but this guy is more powerful than Aquaman.
https://twitter.com/singwithTaffy/status/767986981733150721
Aquaman’s parents considered her a candidate for an arranged marriage, then this happened.
Took 7 matches to light the grill & when it finally worked I screamed & jumped back several feet in case you need a girl to do crimes with.
— Val (@ValeeGrrl) August 24, 2016
“It is good to carry some powdered rouge in one’s sleeve. It may happen that when one is sobering up or waking from sleep, a samurai’s complexion may be poor. At such a time it is good to take out and apply some powdered rouge.”
https://twitter.com/iLikeCatShirts/status/768620933313662977
For Asgard!
I usually walk into a bar like a football player entering a stadium.
— New year, new Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 25, 2016
When you have an origin story, no challenge will be too great.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn't a cat— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 24, 2016
No amount of subterfuge too extreme.
I don't mean to brag but I successfully faked 8 seizures at work today
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) August 25, 2016
No training too severe.
Use throwing stars to motivate your kids at chore time.
— Ma'machete (@momchete) August 3, 2016
People will doubt your methods, but you must persevere.
My neighbor just stared me down like she's never seen a grown man using a chainsaw and listening to Whitney Houston before.
— SR Buffalo (@DrunksWithGuns) July 10, 2016
No obstacle shall be insurmountable.
My sports career was abruptly ended by the baby gate hurdle incident of 96.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) August 23, 2016
No power shall go unexplored.
If your kid's arm falls asleep and starts tingling and she asks why, a fun thing to tell her is that it's full of bees.
— The Dad (@thedad) February 13, 2015
For what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. Unless it kills us.
Maybe that bee thought you were sexy and was just trying to back dat ass up.
6: It really hurts, mama.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) August 23, 2016
Regardless, once we don the mask, we get to choose our own adventure. And destroy some property.
I just wanna be myself without any consequences.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) August 20, 2016
And though we may be reviled for a time, we only come back more powerful than before.
Please sign my petition to free Michael Phelps into the ocean where he belongs instead of forcing him to live his remaining days in SeaWorld
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) August 17, 2016
For it is about the destination and not the journey.
My cat squints at me, and I never know if she's plotting to kill me or offer me a side quest.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) August 21, 2016
The alarm erupts, emitting beeps forged in the crucible of Hell, designed to rouse even the deepest of sleepers from their torpor. A hand reaches out and delivers a blow to the button atop the clock. A hand reaches out and delivers a blow to the button atop the clock. Nine minutes later, the scene is repeated. Nine minutes later, again. Nine minutes later, the hand moves from the button to the slider and turns the alarm to the off position.
He swings his body out of bed and onto an empty floor. Out in the distance, the sounds of sewing machines and fabric being filled remind him that his work isn’t done. Somewhere, a new decorative throw pillow is being positioned. He puts on his cape, grabs a cup of coffee, checks his email, and heads out the door. Until he takes his last breath, this is his battle and it will never be completed, even as he has attempted to ameliorate the masses with terrifying accoutrements of his own design, for there is always a counter.
https://twitter.com/julietactually/status/768487985994084352
