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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 62

Perhaps the father in ‘Hansel and Gretel’ was simply tired of homework.


It’s that time of year again. As happens at the close of every summer, Rodney Dangerfield decides to set an example for children everywhere and loudly proclaims, “I’m going back to school!” From there, he learns about art, literature, and drops some knowledge about the Korean conflict.

Of course, there were some stumbles along the way, but in the end Rodney learned that with hard work, dedication, and a Triple Lindy, success is possible for anyone.

As today’s kids also head back to school, let them look to Sir Rodney and give him the respect he deserves, even if various regulations prevent them from attempting a Triple Lindy. There aren’t regulations against being bold, though. As Dangerfield told Bubbles when she let him know that poetry was her favorite subject, “Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.”

Now that I think about it, there may actually be rules against being that bold. This, from the commencement address he gave, is better, and I advise discussing it with your children. “And so, to all you graduates, as you go out into the world, my advice to you is …Don’t go! It’s rough out there! Stay in school!”

Summer vacation is perceived inversely by kids and parents.

All of them.

You know you can pay someone else to do that, right?

Probably not a gifted program in the biology department.

Isn’t that where it’s supposed to go?

Your social life goes in next to the fundraising schedule.

This kid definitely won’t be getting into any gifted and talented programs.

Not as adorable as a kid who can work a damn corkscrew, but close.

This kid is gonna be put on so many drugs for trying to be savage on the playground equipment.

And people say parkour isn’t romantic.

I miss wearing parachute pants and breakdancing at recess.

If you’re going to get involved, you have to assert your dominance.

Me, when the kids go back to school.

I can relate to this.

He’s gonna make bank in elementary school.

Nice humblebrag.

He also wasn’t big on education.

Another kid who probably wasn’t in any advanced courses.

You kids be quiet!

But what if it’s your kid who’s playing?

What about this? We put a bed on top of a piano and then make all the money.

When the kids on the playground are bullies.

Tolerance comes in many flavors when it comes to lunchtime.

This is why you stay in school.

Also, pay attention while you’re there.

Not everyone hates on flat-earthers.

Just most people do.

Yell it on the playground and watch 47 heads jerk around.

Or by a kindergarten class.

Who doesn’t?

There are advantages to dropping out, though.

There are also some things that you can’t learn in school because we can’t handle the truth!

A dude with a degree wouldn’t have this problem, unless he did.

Or maybe he was paying heed to this truth. People fetishize education, but there are more powerful forces.

Some of the most important lessons aren’t learned in the classroom.

How to be a gentleman, for example, is a lesson best learned in the real world.

You also can’t learn survival skills.

Sometimes survival and the classroom meet, though.

Let’s not forget that young women also learn invaluable skills.

It’s called parenting.

Be careful on those morning commutes, especially when the little hellions are distracting you.

You can also teach them that if they don’t fill them enough, they might not pop when you hurl them at cars. It’s science.

She’s an excellent teacher.

On the first day, you’ll probably forget some things. Don’t worry about it.

Having kids will do that to you, but it’s worth it. Slapstick is less intellectually fulfilling.

One downside of school are the parents. Whereas some of us are content for our spawn to learn some basic skills and how to properly challenge someone else’s authority while making us “art,” others are really concerned. About everything. Whether it’s the fact that recess should be longer, and it should, or the fact that your kid taught another kid how to make a playground shiv, they’ve got something to say. Just take a sip from your flask and move on, confident in the knowledge that when the time comes, your children will have the conch.