It’s that time of year again. As happens at the close of every summer, Rodney Dangerfield decides to set an example for children everywhere and loudly proclaims, “I’m going back to school!” From there, he learns about art, literature, and drops some knowledge about the Korean conflict.
Of course, there were some stumbles along the way, but in the end Rodney learned that with hard work, dedication, and a Triple Lindy, success is possible for anyone.
As today’s kids also head back to school, let them look to Sir Rodney and give him the respect he deserves, even if various regulations prevent them from attempting a Triple Lindy. There aren’t regulations against being bold, though. As Dangerfield told Bubbles when she let him know that poetry was her favorite subject, “Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.”
Now that I think about it, there may actually be rules against being that bold. This, from the commencement address he gave, is better, and I advise discussing it with your children. “And so, to all you graduates, as you go out into the world, my advice to you is …Don’t go! It’s rough out there! Stay in school!”
Stay in school, kids.No, I mean really. Don't come home. We need a break.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) June 2, 2015
Summer vacation is perceived inversely by kids and parents.
July:Boys-When do we go back to school?Me-Not sure, end of August maybe?Aug:Boys-When do we go back?Me-Exactly 21 days 3 hrs & 6 mins.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) August 9, 2016
All of them.
*straddles the chair backwards, so you know I’m cool to rap about which liberal arts degree will be the best waste of your money*
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) December 27, 2015
You know you can pay someone else to do that, right?
All these parents making their kids' summers magical. I'm here doing nothing but letting my kids get so bored they beg to go back to school.
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) August 9, 2016
Probably not a gifted program in the biology department.
My 9yo son is filling out an application for the gifted program at his school. Not sure he'll make it, he had to ask me, "Am I a male?"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 8, 2016
Isn’t that where it’s supposed to go?
Files kid's school fundraising info safely in the trash.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) September 22, 2015
Your social life goes in next to the fundraising schedule.
Me: Can we do something and so and so in September or October?Wife (looks at schedule): We have 3 kids, we're booked thru 2025.
— Lance Burson (@lanceburson) August 4, 2016
This kid definitely won’t be getting into any gifted and talented programs.
Me: Doctor, he hasn't mastered the corkscrew yet. Should we have him tested?Doctor: He's 4. Me, holding back tears: I KNOW.
— Ma'machete (@momchete) August 2, 2016
Not as adorable as a kid who can work a damn corkscrew, but close.
You wait to drink until your kids are asleep? That's adorable.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 7, 2016
This kid is gonna be put on so many drugs for trying to be savage on the playground equipment.
Millennial mom: This is my daughter, Parker.Me: This is my daughter, Parkour. [baby kick-flips off out of stroller]
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 29, 2016
And people say parkour isn’t romantic.
Any swing is a sex swing if you want it enough and the kids are staying the night at grandma's.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) October 12, 2013
I miss wearing parachute pants and breakdancing at recess.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) August 1, 2016
If you’re going to get involved, you have to assert your dominance.
Pound for pound, I'm the toughest guy wearing jorts at this PTA meeting.
— Benny Dazzle (@withanewname) August 4, 2016
Me, when the kids go back to school.
It's like Neil Diamond has no idea that he's the only one who can defunk my Monday.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) August 8, 2016
I can relate to this.
Elementary school orientation, or as I like to call it "My ass doesn't fit in these chairs".
— Goddess of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) August 6, 2016
He’s gonna make bank in elementary school.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M's back to me. This guy's going places.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 11, 2014
Nice humblebrag.
Oh, your daughter spent the evening at ballet? Mine spent the evening putting Post-It notes on the cat.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) August 4, 2016
He also wasn’t big on education.
Peter Pan was a kidnapper, though
— Jess (@jessokfine) August 6, 2016
Another kid who probably wasn’t in any advanced courses.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 7, 2016
You kids be quiet!
"I hate yelling" I scream.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) August 11, 2016
But what if it’s your kid who’s playing?
Falling asleep to the sound of piano would be more soothing if it wasn't coming from under my bed.
— skullpuppy (@skullpuppy11) August 6, 2016
What about this? We put a bed on top of a piano and then make all the money.
[inventor of the piano]Tables aren't noisy enough.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 5, 2016
When the kids on the playground are bullies.
*Rap battle*Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
— Boog (@BoogTweets) June 27, 2016
Tolerance comes in many flavors when it comes to lunchtime.
Well I'm sorry, Andrew, but different cultures are accepted at this job, and my culture celebrates eating other people's lunches.
— Bye Guinness (@TheAlexNevil) August 8, 2016
This is why you stay in school.
Looking back, I didn't think that "living in a van, down by the river" was going to end up being a part of my five year plan
— Sock Holliday (@sock_holliday) July 27, 2016
Also, pay attention while you’re there.
[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 26, 2016
Not everyone hates on flat-earthers.
your aim to correct errors of public opinion & define your legacy makes you too high maintenance for me
— Wilx Kivz (@LagunaBeachPOV) August 7, 2016
Just most people do.
good girls go to Heaven,bad girls go exploring for the elusive megalodon shark because we know they damn well still exist
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) August 7, 2016
Yell it on the playground and watch 47 heads jerk around.
People figured out that they could name their kid Cody and literally nobody stopped them.
— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) June 27, 2016
Or by a kindergarten class.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
— Goldilocks (@Goldishocks) October 3, 2014
Who doesn’t?
Due to my superior sense of direction, I can't really claim "being lost," but I still tend to have some difficulty telling left from right.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) August 7, 2016
There are advantages to dropping out, though.
I have undonated my body from science so that I may die in the wild and become nourishment to bears and the mighty elk.
— Johnny Normality (@Probgoblin) August 9, 2016
There are also some things that you can’t learn in school because we can’t handle the truth!
[Don't be a bitch, make small talk]Her: My kids are starting piano lessons.Me: I've got a survival plan in case the magnetic poles shift.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) August 9, 2016
A dude with a degree wouldn’t have this problem, unless he did.
Missed Connection: Golden Corral, I was guy w/5 plates, you were girl that looked at me & said 'Daaamn son'. I got another plate after that
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) August 7, 2016
Or maybe he was paying heed to this truth. People fetishize education, but there are more powerful forces.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but the spork kicks everyone's ass because it comes with fast food.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) August 9, 2016
Some of the most important lessons aren’t learned in the classroom.
If my teenage years of movie watching taught me anything, it's that we can dance our way out of any difficult situation.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) August 4, 2016
How to be a gentleman, for example, is a lesson best learned in the real world.
STRIPPER: hi cutie, want a dance?ME: hell yeah! *sweeps her off her feet and we tango across the stage as dollar bills rain down around us*
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) April 21, 2016
You also can’t learn survival skills.
Fish Magician: For my next trick, I swallow a hook! Prepare to be amaAAAH OMG NO*he is pulled thru the ceiling*Fish Audience: yaay magic!
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 9, 2016
Sometimes survival and the classroom meet, though.
Futilely trying to convince my SIL that bears aren't serial killers with shrines devoted to her in their dens.
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) July 27, 2016
Let’s not forget that young women also learn invaluable skills.
Nothing says I'm beautiful but handy in the woods like wearing a wedding veil & carrying an axe on your first date.
— Stasis Shock (@girl_a_whirl) August 7, 2016
It’s called parenting.
I just said some pretty harsh things about this gymnast falling off the uneven bars considering I've fallen out of my bed before.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 10, 2016
Be careful on those morning commutes, especially when the little hellions are distracting you.
What a beautiful morning! Bright sun permeating gold into the seafoam sky accented with white lined baby blue cloudsfuck I just hit a guy.
— Rob (@motrboatr) October 16, 2015
You can also teach them that if they don’t fill them enough, they might not pop when you hurl them at cars. It’s science.
A neat thing about a water balloon fight is that you can relentlessly pelt your children and call it Summer fun.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) July 31, 2016
She’s an excellent teacher.
I can lead a horse to water and drive a man to drink.
— Mrs Fancy Pants (@MrsFancyPants77) July 25, 2016
On the first day, you’ll probably forget some things. Don’t worry about it.
[customs]"Passport?"*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*ME: OH NO OH GOD*still rummaging through bag*ME: I've forgotten it
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) June 5, 2016
Having kids will do that to you, but it’s worth it. Slapstick is less intellectually fulfilling.
My life can best be described as a dark comedy.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) August 9, 2016
One downside of school are the parents. Whereas some of us are content for our spawn to learn some basic skills and how to properly challenge someone else’s authority while making us “art,” others are really concerned. About everything. Whether it’s the fact that recess should be longer, and it should, or the fact that your kid taught another kid how to make a playground shiv, they’ve got something to say. Just take a sip from your flask and move on, confident in the knowledge that when the time comes, your children will have the conch.
But getting annoyed with someone for things that in no way directly affect me is kind of my jam— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) July 14, 2016