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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 36

Or how to employ occult categorization schemes for fun and profit.


It has been pointed out on more than one occasion that many of the tweets in these roundups aren’t exactly of the weird subcategory of Twitter. I would protest, but it’s true. It’s also true that I’m a pedant. Thus, I’ve been granted an opportunity to drop some knowledge about the word weird. Did I Google this knowledge? Yes, I did. Googling things is a service I provide on the side.

On to the knowledge. Bizarre is but one definition for weird, even though that’s the one that probably has the most currency in modern language and the one people tend to think of when they see the word. In the original Ye Olde English 800 A.D. it was “wyrd” and referred to one’s destiny. Middle English, the Weird Sisters, Shakespeare, and the Fates turned it unearthly and transmogrified it into the ability to control destiny.

So, weirdos, when I call you weird, you need to understand it’s a compliment. Tell your mom and tell your dad: you’re supernatural.

If they are unimpressed with the fact that you’re otherworldly, hit them with a devastating retort.

But be prepared for that making the situation worse.

In that case, be prepared to fight.

Or just change the subject.

Was it Pennywise?

I wouldn’t recommend hiring her as a defense attorney after you kill a clown.

When Patch Adams teams up with the aforementioned evil clown.

Especially when they get in the way of the other ingredients you need.

But everybody says they’re important and we have to save them. Idiots.

Can you just lie and say there was a bee if you want a night off?

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he noticed.

Should’ve left them at school. Also, why the hell did you let them have the conch?

I’m pretty sure mine are members of a terror cell.

I’m not so convinced I’m going to abandon them in the woods and hope everything works out.

It would be hilariously brutal.

I’ve got $20 on Jawbreaker’s kid.

Seriously, babies are vicious and strong. They didn’t survive cave life by accident.

They’re relentless interlocutors.

And they’re terrible at games that are supposedly appropriate for their age.

Does she have to make the payments now? Because this could really work out in your favor.

What is the one musical instrument no one warns you about when you’re expecting a child? It’s not the drums.

Squad goals.

I didn’t realize this confused the younger guys. Step up your game, yo.

Suck it, Trebek.

But doesn’t he always win if he’s sleeping?

There’s vomit on his sweater already, spider leggies.

That’s just greedy, man. Especially if one of them is Emma Stone.

Of course, maybe one of them wants out and you just don’t realize it.

*Theme song from “Over the Top” plays*

Who wants to get wild and take it over the top like it’s still the ‘80s?

Because the ‘80s were great, simply great.

Shhhh. The ‘80s were still great.

And we should never forget them.

We should especially never forget the once and future governors, so they actually just stay once governors.

Speaking of politics, this was a must-include for obvious reasons. See you in the secret clubhouse.

It’s best served cold, not chilly.

Although she makes a good point here.

Whatever you go with, remember that you get by with a little help from your friends.

Is she expecting someone to exact revenge on her?

Thus Alex, sitting quietly in his shack that does include electricity and WiFi, begins his manifesto.

Is it really a fool’s errand or have I hoist you on your own petard?

Finally. Have you considered a nationwide network of underground tunnels?

Maybe tunnels connecting various volcanoes? That’ll learn ‘em.

This theory is as plausible as any others.

Run! It can breathe oxygen!

Pulleys? Baby goats are tiny. Just pick it up. But I do like where this is going.

Autocorrect. Sure.

Where’s Helena Bonham Carter?

You had me at cheap whiskey.

That might cause this to happen.

Now it’s time to say au revoir.

Until next time, my princes and princesses of Maine Twitter. And if you ever think my nomenclature is mean or hurtful, it’s not. I’m simply trying to help you live your truth as the best version of you that you can be and do so with positivity and affirmation. Or this.

Whatever. I’m lazy.