It has been pointed out on more than one occasion that many of the tweets in these roundups aren’t exactly of the weird subcategory of Twitter. I would protest, but it’s true. It’s also true that I’m a pedant. Thus, I’ve been granted an opportunity to drop some knowledge about the word weird. Did I Google this knowledge? Yes, I did. Googling things is a service I provide on the side.
On to the knowledge. Bizarre is but one definition for weird, even though that’s the one that probably has the most currency in modern language and the one people tend to think of when they see the word. In the original Ye Olde English 800 A.D. it was “wyrd” and referred to one’s destiny. Middle English, the Weird Sisters, Shakespeare, and the Fates turned it unearthly and transmogrified it into the ability to control destiny.
So, weirdos, when I call you weird, you need to understand it’s a compliment. Tell your mom and tell your dad: you’re supernatural.
*w/family*
Dad, guys. I need to say something so you may want to sit down.
*family sits*
I'm, I'm, I'm weird Twitter.
*all gasp**dad faints*
— Pirate Hooker? (@krissywillbretz) February 3, 2016
If they are unimpressed with the fact that you’re otherworldly, hit them with a devastating retort.
The vacuous shade you're throwing today is on point.
— Banana Graveyard (@bananagrvyrd) January 26, 2016
But be prepared for that making the situation worse.
You just turned this situation into an ordeal.
— Dollface Me (@dollfaceiam) February 2, 2016
In that case, be prepared to fight.
"How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?"
384 my liege
"Ok, round them up"
400 my liege
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 13, 2015
Or just change the subject.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don't know. I'm still working it out.
— barbara the ninja (@ninjadinosaur1) January 1, 2016
Was it Pennywise?
You do what you gotta do to survive.
*murders a clown*
— KC of TX (@kcmoore51) January 26, 2016
I wouldn’t recommend hiring her as a defense attorney after you kill a clown.
Just say you were possessed-me, as a therapist.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) January 28, 2016
When Patch Adams teams up with the aforementioned evil clown.
"Clowns Without Borders" is a real thing. So now you can worry about more than just local clowns.
Put that in your nightmare and stir.
— Beth (@mejustbeth) January 29, 2016
Especially when they get in the way of the other ingredients you need.
Don't you hate it when you're cooking & you grab the wrong spice off the shelf & by accident summon an ancient evil that cracks your glasses
— Vincent Cacklemore (@GrumpiestBadger) May 18, 2015
But everybody says they’re important and we have to save them. Idiots.
i'm gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that's attached to your house, we'll attack you..
– bees
— wicked cool 420 guy (@DiscoFruit) June 6, 2015
Can you just lie and say there was a bee if you want a night off?
There's a bee floating in front of the door so I guess I can't leave my house now. The kids will just have to sleep at school tonight.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 4, 2015
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he noticed.
i put a beehive under my boyfriend's pillow let's see if he notices
— Nobody (@SleazySli) February 1, 2016
Should’ve left them at school. Also, why the hell did you let them have the conch?
I just left all my kids alone at the breakfast table downstairs. It sounds like a scene from Lord of the Flies. I think the table's on fire.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) January 30, 2016
I’m pretty sure mine are members of a terror cell.
Came home and thought someone broke in and trashed the place to send a message and then I remembered I have kids.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 29, 2016
I’m not so convinced I’m going to abandon them in the woods and hope everything works out.
and they lived happily ever af
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) January 30, 2016
It would be hilariously brutal.
Like, obviously I'm against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it's gold
— Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) January 17, 2016
I’ve got $20 on Jawbreaker’s kid.
Mom 1: My son is wheat
and dairy free.
Mom 2: My son is vegan.
Me: My son sticks goldfish crackers up his nose.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 3, 2016
Seriously, babies are vicious and strong. They didn’t survive cave life by accident.
kid *pointing at stretch marks*: Your stomach looks really weird.
me: That's where the babies clawed their way out. I'm lucky to be alive.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 26, 2015
They’re relentless interlocutors.
8 [in bed]: Mom?
Me: This better be important.
8: It is.
Me: Really important.
8: It is.
Me: What is it?
8: So when the sun explodes…
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) February 1, 2016
And they’re terrible at games that are supposedly appropriate for their age.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) October 25, 2015
Does she have to make the payments now? Because this could really work out in your favor.
Put my 5yo in charge for 5 minutes this morning & I've never seen her so drunk with power
Also her name may be on the deed to our house now
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 29, 2016
What is the one musical instrument no one warns you about when you’re expecting a child? It’s not the drums.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 24, 2014
Squad goals.
DON'T LOOK HIM IN THE EYES!!
(me, jumping on stage drunk, screaming at all the kids at Chuck E Cheese)
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) February 2, 2016
I didn’t realize this confused the younger guys. Step up your game, yo.
Sorry you didn't understand that my dinosaur noises are a sign of endearment.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) January 30, 2016
Suck it, Trebek.
I can tell by the spelling of your name if your mother was a whore.
— J (@J_Illunninati) January 29, 2016
But doesn’t he always win if he’s sleeping?
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband's mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let's get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) March 28, 2014
There’s vomit on his sweater already, spider leggies.
If you make a rapper mad he has to sing a song about you. Which I think is neat.
— stiv (@lawbsterfest) January 26, 2016
That’s just greedy, man. Especially if one of them is Emma Stone.
Autocorrect changed sex to sects and now I'm life partners with 3 women all named Emma and 13 kids in Utah.
— Scubavelli™ (@ScubavelliDeux) February 4, 2016
Of course, maybe one of them wants out and you just don’t realize it.
[Breaking up]
"It's not you, it's your abnormally high tolerance for chloroform."
— Crystal kay (@platinum2000) February 3, 2016
*Theme song from “Over the Top” plays*
My friend just told me he once had to cut his hand out of a Pringles "jaws of life" style, and now he's my new life coach
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) February 3, 2016
Who wants to get wild and take it over the top like it’s still the ‘80s?
If you don't have anything nice to say, start a small fire on the hood of their car then drive it into their house and blame squirrels.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 16, 2016
Because the ‘80s were great, simply great.
Man, Pat Benatar was right….love is a badger field.
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) November 22, 2014
Shhhh. The ‘80s were still great.
The Beastie Boys were from NYC.
Brooklyn is like 5 miles away.
It just doesn't seem like that big a deal to stay awake for that commute.
— Ermuffs (@Erma_H_Gersh) January 26, 2016
And we should never forget them.
"Don't you forget about me," Simple Minds' James Kerr sings from a nursing home bed and sheds a tear as he can't remember to whom he sings.
— THE Burger King (@ABurgerADay) February 2, 2016
We should especially never forget the once and future governors, so they actually just stay once governors.
I quote 80's action movies when I'm nervous. If you got a problem with that, tough. I ain't got time to bleed.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) November 13, 2015
Speaking of politics, this was a must-include for obvious reasons. See you in the secret clubhouse.
If I don't know you very well & you ask for my political affiliation, I will say I'm a Federalist just to make things awkward.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) November 18, 2014
It’s best served cold, not chilly.
Today's forecast: chilly with 100% chance of plotting my revenge.
— Trophy Knife (@sarah1mc) February 4, 2016
Although she makes a good point here.
Revenge is a dish best served on paper plates 'cause I ain't cleaning up that shit.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) August 4, 2013
Whatever you go with, remember that you get by with a little help from your friends.
Anyone can have friends. It's having accomplices and alibis that really matter.
— Miss Riss (@Its_Miss_Riss) October 3, 2015
Is she expecting someone to exact revenge on her?
Drink like you're dying cause you are.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) January 27, 2016
Thus Alex, sitting quietly in his shack that does include electricity and WiFi, begins his manifesto.
Someday, people will be able to ignore each other completely.
Until then, there's the Internet.
— Meh, He Said (@TheAlexNevil) February 3, 2016
Is it really a fool’s errand or have I hoist you on your own petard?
The 25 Funniest Tweets You Will Scan Your Name For Full Of Hope But This Is A Fool's Errand Corky, A Pathetic Fool's Errand
— Corky Kneivel (@CorkyKneivel) January 28, 2016
Finally. Have you considered a nationwide network of underground tunnels?
I've had enough of all these conspiracy theories. It's high time I put my conspiracies into practice.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) January 20, 2016
Maybe tunnels connecting various volcanoes? That’ll learn ‘em.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) January 4, 2016
This theory is as plausible as any others.
STONEHENGE TOURGUIDE: Noone knows who built it or why!
[5000 years ago]
ME:*angrily throws IKEA manual for stone cabinet* ugh ok screw this
— Owl Meat (@Owl_Meat) December 2, 2015
Run! It can breathe oxygen!
I used to be scared of sharks until I learned dolphins can use tools.
*a dolphin with a chainsaw emerges from the garage*
— Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) February 2, 2016
Pulleys? Baby goats are tiny. Just pick it up. But I do like where this is going.
"You're gonna do it anyway. So I’d rather you know how to do it safely."
Pulleys creak as I carefully hoist the baby goat into a keg stand.
— Mike Hug-A-Bae (@Chocovania) January 12, 2016
Autocorrect. Sure.
The ONE time I actually want to say "duck", damn you autocorrect!
"Sorry again! I'd love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond"
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) March 21, 2014
Where’s Helena Bonham Carter?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I'm gonna kill him
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 3, 2016
You had me at cheap whiskey.
Let's, you & I, drink cheap whiskey and talk about the cultural significance of Foreigner.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) January 31, 2016
That might cause this to happen.
if I look like I'm not paying attention, you may be on to something.
— Johnny Mopar (@Late_308) April 23, 2013
Now it’s time to say au revoir.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) September 30, 2015
Until next time, my princes and princesses of Maine Twitter. And if you ever think my nomenclature is mean or hurtful, it’s not. I’m simply trying to help you live your truth as the best version of you that you can be and do so with positivity and affirmation. Or this.
Whatever. I’m lazy.
I like to show my love for my friends by insulting them into becoming better people.
— Special K (@SwirlySkittles) January 30, 2016