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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 29

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The Internet is probably a positive invention despite the fact that it’s often just really a visible street corner from which anyone can broadcast his darkest, stupidest thoughts. Besides those dark and stupid thoughts, there’s also a wealth of information—some of which is actually true—and photos and movies and music.

Ahh, yes, music. The great uniter. Despite Metallica’s assertions to the contrary, music has been well-served by the information superhighway. From classic symphonies to cool jazz to grinding rock to modern pop awesomeness, the Internet is there for us. So slog through the din of dark stupidity and remember there is light at the end of the tunnel.


This person is disappointed for similar reasons.


When he’s back on earth, please don’t give him balloons to try and cheer him up.


That’s not how space travel works.


Almost all discussions of time travel of late have been horrible. This one is an exception.


Luther didn’t write the 95 theses so people could slack on their duty to perform.


Moses?


He would’ve hated the Internet.


You’d get tired of hearing “Come Sail Away,” so it’s not all bad.


Never a royal Son of Adam.


Koans by Aslan.


Then the music started thumping and out came the glow sticks.


Have you tried talking to them?


I guess owls are cool, but the pellets are pretty gross, to be honest.


Have you ever considered owls?


Maybe owls aren’t the best option.


It’s always right for everybody. They’re saltwater geese.


Wait, wait. Are you saying the way Mr. Miyagi fixed Daniel’s leg was Hollywood bullshit?


Speaking of Hollywood.


Technically, they aren’t other people, so she’s being honest.


At least he wasn’t a shadow monster.


She’s lying, but don’t stop believing.


Angelina?


How the song “You’re So Vain” came to be written.


Not my first choice for a Christmas present, but okay.


She’s an heir to Churchill.


Not as easy to shop for as you might think.


Seems an odd choice, but bonus points for the “Futurama” reference.


If you’re so in the zone, then how are you getting distracted?


I think Billy Joel was being poetic, but I hate that song, so I’m going with this instead.


Johnny Depp and Lenny Kravitz decide to get new pets.


These Bond plot twists are getting too literal.


Coffee for Cramplescrunch. Brendadirk Cramplescrunch!


There are worse fates.


For example?


“I’m One Clever Girl and I’m here to say, you need to close the door when you use the potty.”


Assert your dominance while absorbing its life force.


I’m listening.


I would love to help you, but…


Kids have a different set of priorities.


If you’re a parent and you pretend you’ve never considered this, you’re lying. .


The secret to making a kick-ass children’s movie.


Thus we’ve reached the end of another exciting round of not screaming into the void. Sure, you’ll get caught doing it again, we all will, but remember it’s just the Internet and there’s music out there that can calm you down. If that doesn’t work, you can always go this route.