The Internet is probably a positive invention despite the fact that it’s often just really a visible street corner from which anyone can broadcast his darkest, stupidest thoughts. Besides those dark and stupid thoughts, there’s also a wealth of information—some of which is actually true—and photos and movies and music.
Ahh, yes, music. The great uniter. Despite Metallica’s assertions to the contrary, music has been well-served by the information superhighway. From classic symphonies to cool jazz to grinding rock to modern pop awesomeness, the Internet is there for us. So slog through the din of dark stupidity and remember there is light at the end of the tunnel.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 1, 2015
This person is disappointed for similar reasons.
Me: [handing a ton of balloons to a tiny person] here Tiny Person: for me? Me: [waiting for a second before looking super disappointed] ya
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 1, 2015
When he’s back on earth, please don’t give him balloons to try and cheer him up.
*Puts noose around neck* Suicidal Man: Goodbye world *Kicks out chair, nothing happens* SM: God I hate being an astronaut
— F. Bill McMorris (@FBillMcMorris) December 2, 2015
That’s not how space travel works.
i was trying to get to a parallel universe but ended up in a perpendicular one i don't know what's happening everything is on it's side help
— Dylan Mangan (@dyldonot) December 2, 2015
Almost all discussions of time travel of late have been horrible. This one is an exception.
[Martin Luther time-travels to today] *bursts into church finding people using grape juice for communion* Luther: WHAT IS THIS DEBAUCHERY?!
— Brian C. Thayer (@briancthayer) November 28, 2015
Luther didn’t write the 95 theses so people could slack on their duty to perform.
*sits 27 hours for an oil on canvas portrait* omg delete that. Bartholomew i'm serious do not fucking hang that in the Great Hall
— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) November 29, 2015
Both sides are shouting, no one is listening as the baby floats down the river
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 2, 2015
He would’ve hated the Internet.
Diogenes went around Athens with a lamp in broad daylight, holding it in people's faces, saying he was looking for an honest man.
— Arden (@LagunaBeachPOV) December 1, 2015
You’d get tired of hearing “Come Sail Away,” so it’s not all bad.
Always a bridesmaid never the ferryman of Hades.
— Velvet H Starblossom (@AddledPixie) November 25, 2015
Never a royal Son of Adam.
Turns out I wasn't in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) November 29, 2015
Koans by Aslan.
A hedgehog is just a pinecone who's maximized its metaphysical potential.
— Creed (@novicefather) November 23, 2015
Then the music started thumping and out came the glow sticks.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they're unreal you want some?
— Dylan Mangan (@dyldonot) November 21, 2015
Have you tried talking to them?
I'd imagine Fabio dries his hair with a leaf blower but I haven't been able get past his security panthers.
— Smoochie (@TySmithdrums) November 20, 2015
I guess owls are cool, but the pellets are pretty gross, to be honest.
Looking for a treehouse with a view of an ocean moon. Preferably hidden. Must be infested with owls.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) November 16, 2015
Have you ever considered owls?
actually these are my therapy bees i'm allowed to take them on the bus with me
— ben™ (@benicus_rex) November 21, 2015
Maybe owls aren’t the best option.
There is honey in my hair, I'm dressing as an owl tomorrow, and I'm not currently speaking to my mother. This was not in my five year plan.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) November 25, 2015
It’s always right for everybody. They’re saltwater geese.
Ask your doctor if being inexplicably hostile towards seagulls is right for you
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) November 17, 2015
Wait, wait. Are you saying the way Mr. Miyagi fixed Daniel’s leg was Hollywood bullshit?
Wish someone would've told me there's no such thing as a doctor of magic/karate before I spent all that money on magic/karate medical school
— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax) November 24, 2015
Speaking of Hollywood.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
— Silent Meh, Holy Meh (@TheAlexNevil) July 8, 2014
Technically, they aren’t other people, so she’s being honest.
Him: Are you seeing anyone? Me: *trying not to glance at army of sleep deprivation induced shadow monsters* No. Absolutely not.
— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) August 28, 2015
At least he wasn’t a shadow monster.
Me: My ex looks happy with his new girlfriend. Whiskey: Yes, we should text him.
— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) November 21, 2015
She’s lying, but don’t stop believing.
They'll eventually get drunk enough to un-friendzone you for a couple minutes. Hang in there.
— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) November 27, 2015
babe it's a vial of my tears on a necklace stop being weird and just put it on ok
— Nobody (@SleazySli) November 26, 2015
How the song “You’re So Vain” came to be written.
[walking by a river and I see a beaver wearing a t-shirt] me: I don't even know what to say about this beaver: maybe this isn't about you
— brandon the cow (@ruinedpicnic) March 13, 2015
Not my first choice for a Christmas present, but okay.
I'm getting you bees for Christmas. A whole fuckin hive.
— Bees (@Bailey_Mae9) November 24, 2015
She’s an heir to Churchill.
Me: *Dressed as Santa and pointing at the 3 whores in accounting, I yell* "HO HO HO" as I sideways smirk at HR HR: Oh damn you're good!
— Saucy Krismas (@Book_Krazy) December 1, 2015
Not as easy to shop for as you might think.
Who's got two thumbs and also 18 other thumbs? Thumb Collectin' Joe, that's who.
— SpaceGirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) June 16, 2015
Seems an odd choice, but bonus points for the “Futurama” reference.
If I die a horrific death after being mauled by coyotes, please ensure I have an open casket funeral. With blackjack. And hookers.
— Jessica M (@jessicker19) November 27, 2015
If you’re so in the zone, then how are you getting distracted?
If you see a dude wearing only an American flag speedo & doing karate on the side of the road, don't honk, I'm in the fucking zone.
— BackwrdSkateChampion (@Ilovelamp1979) July 4, 2015
I think Billy Joel was being poetic, but I hate that song, so I’m going with this instead.
"Sing us a song you're the piano man" the child yells at the half-man, half-piano creature. He throws bread in his jar as he leaves.
— Renegade Protagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) March 15, 2015
Johnny Depp and Lenny Kravitz decide to get new pets.
Him: Whatcha thinkin about? Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) October 15, 2015
These Bond plot twists are getting too literal.
[me as a bond villain] ME: *spins around in chair* we- *keeps spinning* meet agai- *spinning* jame- BOND: pls stop ME: *spinning so fast*
— tomsauced (@trojansauce) November 18, 2015
Coffee for Cramplescrunch. Brendadirk Cramplescrunch!
[Starbucks Assassins Inc] CHIEF: Write this down. Target's name is John BARISTA: [writes] Jamie C: Ok. Memorise it B: [eyes shut] Janet
— Mat (@MatCro) August 6, 2015
There are worse fates.
My diet is about 70% crackers, I love to color, I cry easily and I sit around in my underwear a lot. I'm basically a 5'2" toddler.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 2, 2015
You see some crazy stuff when you're out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) February 8, 2015
“I’m One Clever Girl and I’m here to say, you need to close the door when you use the potty.”
*stealthily turns argument with husband into a rap battle*
— Luke's Left Arm (@1CleverGirl1) November 21, 2015
Assert your dominance while absorbing its life force.
*eats an entire solar panel while maintaining full eye contact with the sun*
— Lou Easy (@Coolisiana) October 2, 2015
There are no laws against pole vaulting into the zoo
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 1, 2015
I would love to help you, but…
I can't find my ceremonial porcupine.
— Jimmer Cork-Bottle (@JimmerThatisAll) December 31, 2013
Kids have a different set of priorities.
Me: We're leaving in 5 minutes. Get ready. 4: *standing by door in underwear holding bag full of matchbox cars* I am ready.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 2, 2015
If you’re a parent and you pretend you’ve never considered this, you’re lying. .
Don't think of it as a muzzle. Think of it as a tool that will make your kids far more tolerable.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) December 2, 2015
The secret to making a kick-ass children’s movie.
A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered- Pixar: Gee it's kinda dark …Ok a FISH is- Pix: YES.
— SpaceGirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) June 4, 2015
Thus we’ve reached the end of another exciting round of not screaming into the void. Sure, you’ll get caught doing it again, we all will, but remember it’s just the Internet and there’s music out there that can calm you down. If that doesn’t work, you can always go this route.
What amount of identifying with the antagonist is acceptable? I hope it's a lot.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) December 3, 2015