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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 20

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Some people have asked me why I loathe geese so much. Okay, one person asked. It’s really pretty simple: Geese are the worst things on the planet. They’re entitled. Their droppings are gross and destructive—salt the earth destructive. They are not magnificent and stately close-up, either. They are unattractive, especially by bird standards. Parrots they are not.

And this one time, when I was unemployed and going full soccer mom, I went to a local trail with two of my kids. The middle one was going to ride her bike while I pushed the toddler in the jogging stroller. When we got out of the car, a bunch of geese mobbed us, demanding some damn bread. Freaked the kids out and ruined the trip. That’s why they’re terrible and deserve to get punched—they’re basically the crazy homeless people of the park, ruining everybody’s good time.


The trip to the park could have been worse, though.


Fleeing from the dread birds.


They won’t sell you one if you won’t promise to plaster it.


Think this was a television show.


Plus the blood moon. Did anyone get a pic? I didn’t see any.


Same.


So that was Namath’s secret.


Women can be so indecisive.


To continue on the above, sometimes they frame their husbands for murder.


People say romance is dead.


“It’s on Lifetime right now!”


The two worst words a man can hear.


Probably not going to happen, Kit.


If cars aren’t your thing.


He was an abstract chef.


Except they’re classier.


Staff meetings at Dunkin are sort of weird.


The precious does deserve to be venerated.


It was an honest mistake.


Yeah, people often do get this wrong.


Birds came first, ergo geese, so I’m going to agree here.


*Waves back*


Yes it should.


Though its account would soon devolve into this.


And a marathon running atheist.


Stand with Rand! Also, it’s a tactleneck.


Don’t worry. It happens to most of us.


We’re not just sweet, but also hilarious.


You have to check.


Sandra Fluke said this joke isn’t funny.


She also disapproves of this, saying, “That’s not funny.”


It’s important to participate in activities with your children.


Damn she’s good.


He also dreams of being a dog.


Please, Goats, don’t hurt ‘em.


Fun fact: He was a surprisingly good shot.


It really is.


Here’s where a good realtor will earn his commission.


Thank you for taking a tour through this latest exhibit. I’m actually still pretty worn out from my trip to DC. There was a lot of walking and not much sleep. Maybe some drinking, though just a little. As such, I’m still recovering. For the geese of the world, this is fortunate, but they better recognize I won’t be down forever.