Some people have asked me why I loathe geese so much. Okay, one person asked. It’s really pretty simple: Geese are the worst things on the planet. They’re entitled. Their droppings are gross and destructive—salt the earth destructive. They are not magnificent and stately close-up, either. They are unattractive, especially by bird standards. Parrots they are not.
And this one time, when I was unemployed and going full soccer mom, I went to a local trail with two of my kids. The middle one was going to ride her bike while I pushed the toddler in the jogging stroller. When we got out of the car, a bunch of geese mobbed us, demanding some damn bread. Freaked the kids out and ruined the trip. That’s why they’re terrible and deserve to get punched—they’re basically the crazy homeless people of the park, ruining everybody’s good time.
There's a lunatic outside my house walking up & down the street yelling and talking to himself. Maybe I should tell him about twitter…
— lars (@MindBytes) January 7, 2012
The trip to the park could have been worse, though.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and wolves, and jet skis, and specifically wolves on jet skis
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) September 27, 2015
Fleeing from the dread birds.
The only way I find peace in this world is by knowing that in at least one alternative universe I'm driving a '72 Dodge Charger off a cliff.
— batkaren (@batkaren) September 21, 2015
They won’t sell you one if you won’t promise to plaster it.
I'm not 100% sure, but it was probably the 18th bumper sticker on their Prius that changed my political views.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) September 23, 2015
Think this was a television show.
lets turn this funeral house into a funeral home
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) September 26, 2015
Plus the blood moon. Did anyone get a pic? I didn’t see any.
Everyone's having a harder time lately because Mercury's in Gatorade.
— apricotica (@asparagus_thief) September 28, 2015
I'm cry chanting "I see no moon" outside but my neighbors aren't listening because I do this several times a week
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) September 28, 2015
So that was Namath’s secret.
I hate it when I'm trying to update my resume and I accidentally spill newborn lamb's blood all over my fur coat.
— pink stripes (@JermHimselfish) September 25, 2015
Women can be so indecisive.
You win some, you lose some, you stab some, bury some alive, poison others. Depends what mood you're in, you know.
— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) September 26, 2015
To continue on the above, sometimes they frame their husbands for murder.
I feel like I'm not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don't cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 16, 2014
People say romance is dead.
GO TO BED AND LET MOMMY WATCH HER SHOWS ABOUT WOMEN WHO MURDER THEIR HUSBANDS IN PEACE
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) April 19, 2015
“It’s on Lifetime right now!”
"911 what's your emergency" IM DYING "what happened" I GOT STABBED LIKE 3 TIMES "lol pics or didn't happen"
— ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ (@LaziestCanine) August 14, 2015
The two worst words a man can hear.
Me: What's wrong? *sky darkens* *birds scatter* *dog starts to whimper* Wife: I'm fine.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2015
Probably not going to happen, Kit.
Please don't make me talk dirty to you in the Knight Rider car voice anymore.
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) September 28, 2015
If cars aren’t your thing.
This Halloween, I think I'll go outside the box and be a Sexy Garden Gnome.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 1, 2015
He was an abstract chef.
I hope the guy who called potatoes covered in mayo, salad, was never allowed to make another decision.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) September 29, 2015
Except they’re classier.
Turtles are just lizards that live in a trailer.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) September 28, 2015
Staff meetings at Dunkin are sort of weird.
Thanks, Ken, for the 4th quarter projections. Now hold hands and begin the incantation. "What?" I said there's donuts in the breakroom.
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) October 1, 2015
The precious does deserve to be venerated.
Jim: *finishes Gollum impersonation* Priest: And do you, Kelly, take Jim to be your lawf…
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) October 1, 2015
It was an honest mistake.
[Vulcanology conference] VULCANOLOGIST: What do you like about volcanoes? ME: [sheepishly removing Spock ears] Fire. The thick runny fire
— Mat (@MatCro) September 18, 2015
Yeah, people often do get this wrong.
When asked "what's the one thing you couldn't live without on a deserted island" millions hypothetically died, as no one thought to say air.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) September 30, 2015
Birds came first, ergo geese, so I’m going to agree here.
Evolution was a harebrained idea, you monkey jerks.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) September 28, 2015
You had me at hello…oh you weren't talking to me.
— claudia martin (@cloudypianos) January 4, 2013
Yes it should.
Surely autocorrect should have its own twitter account by now, right?
— Wicked Jen (@wickedsuga) September 29, 2015
Though its account would soon devolve into this.
I'm just here for the life advice from alcoholics.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) September 3, 2014
And a marathon running atheist.
Murderer: any last words? *points gun to head* Vegan: i just want to let you know that i am in fact a vegan
— ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ (@LaziestCanine) August 13, 2015
Stand with Rand! Also, it’s a tactleneck.
No one gives less fucks than the guy wearing a turtleneck.
— R๑×ƴ (@rockthechuck) September 27, 2015
Don’t worry. It happens to most of us.
wife: What you wrote in the card was so sweet, thank you me:You're welcome *watches her walk away* *grabs card to see what the hell I wrote*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 25, 2015
We’re not just sweet, but also hilarious.
[Airport] "Will you be checking your bag sir?" Hub: No. She's sitting next to me on the plane. Me:… -Marriage
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 24, 2015
You have to check.
*wife notices the books all over the floor* FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE'S NO SECRET PASSAGE!
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) September 26, 2015
Sandra Fluke said this joke isn’t funny.
"No means no." -Day 1 of Spanish class
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) April 21, 2015
She also disapproves of this, saying, “That’s not funny.”
Of course you're a feminist and so you and only you will decide which internet stranger to drunkenly show your boobs to. I'll wait here.
— Henry_3k (@Henry_3k) September 30, 2015
It’s important to participate in activities with your children.
*watching tape of son's school play* "Oh, oh, here I come!" [me, drunk, walking on the stage] WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?!
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 24, 2015
Damn she’s good.
I gotta say… The Spanish Inquisition? I kinda saw it coming.
— batkaren (@batkaren) September 29, 2015
He also dreams of being a dog.
Please, Goats, don’t hurt ‘em.
Unfortunately, it turns out I'm not 2 legit 2 be fired.
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) September 29, 2015
Fun fact: He was a surprisingly good shot.
That's a great song. I loved Ray Chuck "It was Ray Charles" *a single tear drops* Not to me
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) October 1, 2015
It really is.
*eating Spaghetti-O's out of a ziplock bag on the bus* Anger is a gift
— pink stripes (@JermHimselfish) September 22, 2015
Here’s where a good realtor will earn his commission.
We really like the wood floors and granite countertops but feel the dark magic radiating from the demon in the basement is a deal breaker.
— Heath (@Neauxpe) September 27, 2015
Thank you for taking a tour through this latest exhibit. I’m actually still pretty worn out from my trip to DC. There was a lot of walking and not much sleep. Maybe some drinking, though just a little. As such, I’m still recovering. For the geese of the world, this is fortunate, but they better recognize I won’t be down forever.
My enemies are going to be so sorry when I finally manage to get out of this hammock.
— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) September 30, 2015