The big news this week was the release of Harper Lee’s “Go Set A Watchman.” In the book, we learn many problematic things. Mainly, though, it’s that after helping Tom Robinson, Atticus Finch escaped from his grandmother’s attic, bought an orange Dodge Charger, and started running moonshine. It was really the only choice that Atticus boy had. If he was good at one thing, it was getting over on law enforcement.
[Book report]
…The main character was Atticus Finch. Atticus meaning "of the attic", and "Finch" of course being a type of bird, probably
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) July 13, 2015
Speaking of running moonshine.
It's all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) January 19, 2014
That’s why I prefer this option.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) July 1, 2013
Just be careful about the decisions you make while being a booze mule.
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty"
- me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 25, 2015
And.
"Let's go ride that horse!"
- me drunk, about to get kicked by a cow.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) July 15, 2015
Fake it ‘til you make it.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
— viney (@vineyille) January 4, 2015
Skills.
I can turn a flamingo yard ornament into a beer bong
Your move MacGuyver
— EnvyDaTropic (@envydatropic) July 11, 2015
USA! USA!
There is a ticker tape parade in NYC for the US Women's Soccer Team today.
"We're expecting dozens of fans!" said one official.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) July 10, 2015
Oppressive heteronormativity. What does the baby consider itself?
Just the fact that you referred to a baby as "it" tells me you're going to be an awesome parent.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) July 12, 2015
Wait, that’s not a simile.
Then, like a thief in the night, I stole several things from your house last night.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) June 22, 2015
She’s not wrong.
They’re called mimosas because breakfast booze sounds too alcoholic-y.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) July 11, 2015
The dog who cried wolf.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like "Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) July 10, 2015
Speaking of wolves.
"Where my girls at?" I call.
My dozens of daughters emerge from the woods. They have killed an Elk to feed their father. This pleases me.
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) September 10, 2013
She should sue.
Bottomless buffet doesn't mean you can take off your pants. Noted.
— Eve O'Hara (@HumanGarbageX) January 28, 2015
How to nail a job interview, part one.
INTERVIEWER: What's your biggest weakness?
ME: Uh, I'd say my Achilles Heel would have to be relating everything to Greek mythology.
— bad (@_making_friends) July 10, 2015
Part two.
[job interview]
"What's your greatest weakness?"
Alcohol
"Umm ok, how about strengths?"
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) July 10, 2015
How to flirt.
[bus]
Brain: There she is. Now's your chance!
Me: Okay!
"I WROTE YOU A SONG IT'S CALLED 'SONATA FOR SOLO TAMBOURINE' I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT."
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 6, 2015
Alternately.
[pulls out acoustic guitar] Do you guys mind if I ruin the next five minutes?
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 7, 2015
Or listen to what the girls say.
to the dude holding 2 guns & wearing a weed t-shirt in your dating profile pic, your message was inspiring & thoughtful. let's get married.
— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) July 9, 2015
Rise of the robots.
[roomba delivers me the bowl of cereal I placed on it 30 seconds previously] Thank you very much, Geoffrey, your assistance is invaluable.
— Pants (@onedumbshark) July 9, 2015
Bone chilling, although their love of turkey legs is somewhat telling.
think about all the people you interact with that are renaissance fair enthusiasts & you don't even know. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!
— bombsy (@bombsydoll) July 10, 2015
My strategy, as well.
Well honey, if the bowl is machine washable it will be fine, and if it isn't, we will simply have destroyed a stupidly useless thing.
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) July 13, 2015
From this point forward, we’re to have some moments of ribaldry. Enjoy!
Me: I know my bad past stemmed from Dad's absence. I'm ok now. Smarter. Stronger. Independent.
Him: Lady I just want a lapdance
Me: $20
— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) November 26, 2014
Them’s the rules.
Lana Del Rey just came on in my music shuffle and now I have to have sex with the old guy next to me on the beach.
— The Pretty Girl Swag (@AllTheUglyTruth) July 11, 2015
It can also be mom’s fault.
Lady at Walmart told her screaming daughter to behave or she was taking her to the 'spank bank'.
And now I know how strippers are made.
— Man v Alcohol (@ManvAlcohol) January 15, 2014
Now I have nothing to look forward to when I’m old.
I'm not great at statistics but there are probably less outdoor side-by-side bathtubs moments than Cialis is leading us to believe.
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) March 29, 2015
History is cyclical.
Teenage archaeologists recently unearthed a new Egyptian tomb. "They emojis is trash" said one baggy-pantsed nerd "buncha weakass cat memes"
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) July 14, 2015
Success!
As a video game playing white guy on the internet I've been blamed for all of society's problems.
& they said I'd never amount to anything!
— Nick D (@PleasantThinker) July 12, 2015
His problem was he chose the wrong geological structure.
I'm sorry i called your vagina "The Cave of Wonders" but in fairness, I did say writing our own vows was a bad idea.
— Pencil Walrus (@PencilWalrus) July 9, 2015
It’s all in the landing.
A cool guy winked at me then I tripped and fell down the museum steps but I did a gymnast salute at the bottom and someone handed me flowers
— Pants (@onedumbshark) July 12, 2015
Our middle daughter, Scout, does this, but without packing, so we know she’s not serious.
I remember packing my bags & threatening to run away when I was a kid.
How come my kids don't do that?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 12, 2015
Not with a bang or a whisper.
[Sees wasp on my wife's arm]
Uh oh
[I roll up a newspaper]
Babe..stay still..
(using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE'S A FUCKING WASP ON YOU
— ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) July 12, 2015
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again.
Hello 911? Yeah its Fred Flintstone. My car has tipped over again. Yeah its the huge rack of ribs. I really don't know why I keep doing this
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) July 14, 2015
That is weird.
her: the news said a guy robbed the petting zoo claiming he needed "T-Rex bait"
me: [glances out window at goat chained to a pole] weird..
— huntigula (@huntigula) July 15, 2015
Check.
The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 17, 2015
Kids don’t appreciate good humor.
[kids party]
"This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year"
Dad no
"That's.."
Please no dad
"..Inflation for you"
*kids start crying*
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) July 11, 2015
See?
aliens: we've returned to see what you've built with our technology
humans: behold…bouncy castles!
aliens: HELL YEAH
humans: HELL YEAH
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) July 14, 2015
Daniel-san.
I did a buncha karate at a furniture store and now it's a lumber yard
— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) July 14, 2015
Thanks for tuning in for a booze-soaked edition of This Week In Weird Twitter. Remember, moonshining and clowning on cops is only cool if you have good thoughts while doing it. Also, make sure to stick to what you know, but also remember that alcohol will be there for you in the morning no matter what problems it causes the night before.
Me: I don't know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) July 12, 2015
