If you’ve spent any time around Twitter, you’ve likely encountered Weird Twitter, a bizarre subculture of stay-at-home moms, dads, comedians, and at least one American Idol finalist. The name derives from the fact that it’s, well, a weird place. Often irreverent, generally apolitical (though you will see occasional intrusions from both sides), it’s possibly the best part of Twitter apart from keeping up with breaking news.
It’s also a difficult place to keep up with. More likely you’ve seen it in snippets, in the form of a random retweet from someone you follow. Not everyone wants to dive into the weirdness that is Weird Twitter; to follow an ever-growing list of people who thrive on retweeting one another. Never fear, I am not afraid, and I’m here to provide you with the best of Weird Twitter (at least the best of what I can keep up with).
First, though, an introduction for those who haven’t sampled this delightfully oddball world. It can be subtly hilarious.
Today we're going to take a look at George Seurat's masterpiece. I'm sure you're asking what's the point of that. Excellent question.
Smug Lemur (@Smug_Lemur) September 16, 2014
It can be overtly hilarious.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013
And it can be plagiarized to infinity and beyond.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014
And now to some of my favorites for the week, including some that were retweeted into my timeline. Weird Twitter will dive deep into someone’s history and bring up a gem from 2013. Since this is the first installment, I’m including some of those gems. I’ve tried to keep it clean—with a notable exception at the bottom—but I haven’t avoided offering the risqué. It’s all safe for work, other than the last one. That doesn’t mean it won’t make you blush. And with that, we’re off.
CEO: Morale among our female employees is low, suggestions? Me: Vibrating office chairs? HR: …
The Average Guy (@Beer4AGoodTime) May 19, 2015
@XplodingUnicorn is hilarious and very relevant if you have young kids.
5-year-old daughter: Put my hair in buns. I never want ponytails again. Wife: Why? 5: Zombies can grab them. Wife: Go get your dad. Now.
Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 18, 2015
Me: No more dumb questions. Go to sleep 5-year-old: How do you tell apart a normal wolf & a werewolf? Me: 5: Me: *gives a 2-hour answer*
Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 20, 2015
[at daughter's preschool graduation] Me: This is a meaningless honor that won't help her in life. Wife: So it's like your English degree.
Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 20, 2015
English Degree? @TheMichaelRock has words for that.
[movie trailer voice] If you thought Poltergeist was scary, you haven't seen anything yet! Coming to theaters this Fall, Student Loan Debt!
Rock (@TheMichaelRock) May 20, 2015
Marriage counseling, @PaperWash style.
Wife: I feel like he loves his phone more than me [marriage counselor immediately gets a text from me] that's a lie
PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) May 19, 2015
@torrami’s preferred way to exit this mortal coil is legit.
How do I want to die? Riding a dinosaur. Next question, please.
Randamonium (@torrami) May 19, 2015
In this corner, @Bownuggets.
Attention shoppers, will the punk who said he'd "serve me like fresh-sliced turkey breast" come to the front for the rap battle of ur life
Bownuggets (@Bownuggets) May 20, 2015
@commuter_haiku on punctuality.
Boss: "You're late again." Me (moonwalking past): "Time is a social construct."
Commuter Haiku (@commuter_haiku) May 19, 2015
@kaytaa is actually pretty active in conservative circles. She’s also got good advice.
@etherbrian is another on the conservative side. Maybe not necessarily a member of Weird Twitter, but he asks weirdly brilliant questions.
Do flesh-eating bacteria prefer the flavor of one person's flesh over another, or are they like Taco Bell patrons, who will eat anything?
etherbrian (@etherbrian) May 21, 2015
@jonnysun on publishing.
dose god exist in the marvel cinematic universe: a 10,427 word thinkpiece,
jomny sun (@jonnysun) May 17, 2015
@JermHimselfish has Buzzfeed’s number.
18 Signs That You Might Be Working For Buzzfeed (Wait Until You See #8. How Did They Get Inside Your House?)
Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) May 20, 2015
@Jake_Vig or is Sonny Bunch sock-puppeting?
You should be allowed to hit one bicyclist riding in rush hour traffic with your car every month.
Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) May 19, 2015
@murrman on extreme helicopter parenting.
[sits son down after he didn't win science fair] son, tomorrow some will call me "hero" others will call me "guy who fought a teacher"
Brent (@murrman5) May 18, 2015
@NoTheOtherJohn argues against hippies.
♫War, HUH! GOOD GOD yall What is it good for Liberating people from tyranny In some cases stimulating economic growth SING IT AGAIN YALL♫
Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) May 19, 2015
I agree with @thenatewolf on Baby Boomers.
Baby Boomers are so good at consuming there is even less planets in our solar system than when they were my age.
THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) May 18, 2015
@daemonic3 comes through with a dad joke.
"I'm gonna be like you, dad. You know I'm gonna be like you" Hi Gonna-Be-Like-You I'm dad 🎶And the Cat's in the cradle & the silver spoon🎶
Terry F (@daemonic3) May 19, 2015
If you have kids, you can relate to @Marlebean here.
My favorite breakfast buffet is just sampling all the stuff my kids begged me to make but refused to eat.
Marl Beans (@Marlebean) May 18, 2015
The “American Idol” contestant? It’s @JustinGuarini, ladies and gentleman.
I just found Pinterest, so if you need me I'll be over there building a chevron coated beach house out of mason jars and honey
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) March 1, 2015
Who is this POTUS guy? Was he on American Idol?
Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) May 18, 2015
Lastly, the one with the strong language. @Sickayduh on construction permits.
Spent all morning in a meeting with the zoning commission because I would like to raise the roof on this motherfucker.
Eldge (@Sickayduh) May 19, 2015
Okay, one more dad joke. @dubstep4dads on wildlife.
Just saw a wild dad chewing on a piece of wood in a dumpster behind Home Depot. I threw a rock and he scurried away
cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) May 21, 2015
That’s it for this week, kids. Hope you enjoyed the weirdness. I’ll continue curating these, but suggestions are welcome. And remember, twitter isn’t for arguing with strangers about politics, unless it’s your position on lycanthropes.
This election I am voting NO on werewolves
Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 8, 2015