It is said that Gozer the Gozerian, an evil entity from another dimension, will one day destroy the world. Thankfully, this interdimensional terror has been thwarted both times it visited our world, proving once again that the ancient Hittites, Sumerians, and Mesopotamians were not possessed of what we might call “staying power.”
In any case, if you see a giant marshmallow man, or really any old deities, lumbering about, it’s best to duck and cover. Or cross the streams, which though usually the worst thing, occasionally is the only answer. Well, that and saturated fats.
[Drive-thru] CRONUS: Yes- I'll have the bucket of popcorn children Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir? CRONUS: omg what did I say
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) December 27, 2015
But before you start battling the old gods, make sure they’re real.
I would tweet more about mushrooms but the fabulous disco lightning man chilling with me here says it's a no go.
— Contwixt Nick (@Contwixt) January 23, 2016
Once you’ve established you’re not hallucinating, then bring the ruckus.
if you're feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
— chuuch (@ch000ch) November 29, 2014
Or simply establish yourself as the dominant deity.
three thousand retweets. three thousand souls I will collect after my becoming.
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) January 23, 2016
But go for some good powers and not just random ones.
Why do humans keep telling me things like hey that's not your camel and you shouldn't be eating silly putty ~ question mark
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) January 26, 2016
Don’t assume dyslexia if someone threatens you with an evil spirit from the dog show.
"Every dog has his day," they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
— batkaren (@batkaren) June 9, 2015
Honestly, that’s sort of a weakness since it’s such an obvious clue.
You: I have blue eyes, but they change color with my clothes Me: Mine are green, but they turn black when the demon takes over
— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) January 24, 2016
It’s a scary world out there. Make sure your kids are aware of the dangers of stigmata.
*after watching The Exorcist Me: See, it turned out ok–she was no longer possessed. I thought you said you wanted to watch a scary movie 6:
— Meh, He Said (@TheAlexNevil) January 26, 2016
Or just make sure they’re firmly in the ranks of the ruling class.
Cancelling my Illuminati membership is a pain. I only joined because they offered the first two months for free but then I never went.
— Travis LeBlanc (@TravLeBlanc) January 26, 2016
It also happened a long time ago, so the girl missed an opportunity for a sick burn here.
[my husband and my 5yo daughter arguing about Star Wars] 5: "DAD, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. BECAUSE IT WAS IN A GALAXY. FAR. FAR. AWAY."
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 25, 2016
Kids really do ask the stupidest questions.
Son: Dad can sand melt? Me putting down my glass: Don't be ridiculous of course it can't
— AnOnion (@onion_an) June 6, 2015
Seriously, son, this isn’t hard to figure out.
3yo: Daddy, why are we having chocolate cake for dinner again tonight? Me: Because Mommy shouldn't go on such long business trips.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) June 26, 2013
Then when mommy gets home it’s time for Netflix and chill.
*starts sexy strip tease* *bra hook gets stuck on thread* *stumbles around swearing at bra for 10 minutes* *gives up & turns on Netflix*
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 23, 2015
Don’t totally give up just because you’re watching television.
Me: I'm worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 12, 2014
Still better than Common Core math.
Actually honey, history is just a study of the explorers who didn't drown at sea. -me explaining life to my kid
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 25, 2016
Learn from those who survived so you don’t have to follow in their paths.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? Trick question. They don't have one because they all suffer from illiteracy. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan.
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) January 25, 2016
As I mentioned last week, never leave your instructions at “do something.” Be specific.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck. Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
— Annie (@HatfieldAnne) July 8, 2015
Yet another example of when people aren’t provided with enough specifics. “Any objections” is pretty vague.
I'm sorry I reenacted the entire Love is a Battlefield video during your wedding vows.
— Pirate Hooker? (@krissywillbretz) January 23, 2016
Maybe the battlefield just got her down.
How could that Bangles chick get up at 6 & still not be at work by 9? Jesus, lady. Maybe set out your clothes the night before or something.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 1, 2013
He wore an onion on his belt, as was the fashion at the time.
i stopped an old man along the way hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies he turned to me as if to say, fuck off bitch
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) January 27, 2016
Also, don’t tell her to smile. Bitches don’t like being told to smile.
Make her smile. Bitches love smiling. Oh, and maybe don't call her a bitch so much. Bitches don't really enjoy that.
— W.I.M.P. (@darkmatter_wimp) June 3, 2013
Case in point.
She was like "why won't you ever hold my hand" & I was like "Jesus bitch, I've only got 2 hands, & these swords are for your protection."
— B_uttFuck (@Ilovelamp1979) February 6, 2015
Her husband is all about loaning it out and not asking for it back, too.
Sure, my neighbors think I'm crazy. But after one little blizzard, everyone wants to borrow my flamethrower.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) January 24, 2016
Kids are sort of like flame throwers. Tiny little relentless flamethrowers.
7: Come see what I made. M: Let me finish what I'm doing, then I will. 7: How about I stand here & tell you all about it until you give up.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) January 26, 2016
Disgusting little relentless flamethrowers.
Sad that both boys are sick. Also sad they don't come with sneezeguards
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) April 19, 2012
Someday, this kid will help a future John McClane.
I like to recommend baby names…today's is Argyle
— Arden (@LagunaBeachPOV) January 25, 2016
Do people believe this?
No, I'm not drunk. I'm just awkward.
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) January 3, 2016
Of course, riding this doesn’t make one appear sober or graceful, so…
*duct taping two Roombas together* There HAS to be a better way! *commercial for hover boards starts playing*
— Kaiser Billhelm (@KizerBillhelm) January 20, 2016
No way you could do this drunk.
me: *climbs up building w/ suction cups & tumbles thru window* boss: ur late. again! me: there has to be a better way narrator: stairs
— im not mayonnaise (@ThingsJackDigs) January 27, 2016
The real story behind the invention of Facebook.
Just think, before Facebook people had no idea if it was snowing where their 9th grade lab partner lives.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 17, 2016
This, of course, led to “Frozen.” Don’t believe lies about “The Snow Queen” being the origin.
After the insanely profitable Frozen, Disney has decided to make Frozen 2. In other obvious news, boobs are good.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) March 13, 2015
Even Elsa has her bad days.
*does hair, makeup, puts on pretty dress *walks past group of stupid hot guys *realizes skirt is tucked into granny panties
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) December 17, 2014
This is why you should probably just stay inside.
This day in history. 1845. Poets Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning began corresponding even though she'd stated "NO DMs" in her profile.
— Jimmer Cork-Bottle (@JimmerThatisAll) January 10, 2016
On the other hand, love is a many splendored thing.
My husband is so sweet. This morning he looked deeply into my eyes & told me that they looked puffy.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) January 28, 2016
And there’s someone for everyone, pretty much.
Your mind fascinates me, you sick depraved bastard.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) January 28, 2016
My husband's so smart. He's prepared for the Apocalypse by leaving pants puddled on the family room floor so he can make a quick exit.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) January 27, 2016
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
— Californicator (@FloodyHippie) January 15, 2016
At least he didn’t try to kill her.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) January 22, 2016
Or build a wall around her house.
Donald Trump's campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) January 20, 2016
Just kidding. Trump is afraid of girls.
[movie trailer voiceover] First he dodged the draft. Now he's dodging Megyn Kelly. Donald Trump is… [dramatic pause] 2 Chicken 2 Fight
— Sean Davis (@seanmdav) January 27, 2016
Or a Trump supporter. Statistically speaking, he has to have at least one supporter who is a cyclist.
When a bicyclist cuts me off in traffic, I remind myself that he might be somebody’s father or weird uncle. And then I get even madder.
— AlexaMac Brandes (@TheWoodenslurpy) January 24, 2016
Could be worse. They could be from Iowa.
The main reason I dislike everyone from Idaho is they smell of topsoil and wear diced potato necklaces at all times.
— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) January 27, 2016
Strange or normal and rational?
Strange that hearing Shiny Happy People makes me Angry
— June (@junejuly12) January 25, 2016
She actually said this to whoever played “Shiny Happy People,” so I think she deserves a pass.
Sorry for what I said when you were being a complete and total shitbag asshole. This is going to require another apology now, isn't it.
— That Carly Girl (@thatcarlygirl) January 26, 2016
Still better than “Shiny Happy People.”
Ugh this is the longest ZZ Top music video EVER. - me watching Duck Dynasty
— Nikka Bee (@_NikkaBee) January 26, 2016
Mostly consisting of people who play REM songs.
Just created a Twitter Nemesis list. Dm me if you're interested in being added.
— Sam Delanche (@samfromks) January 20, 2016
*Upon hearing really terrible music and being asked to give an opinion*
Me: Can I be perfectly honest with you? Them: Of course! Me: *curls up into the fetal position and screams like a velociraptor*
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) January 23, 2016
So disappointed in the X-Files. Just an hour of old Fox Mulder with a metal detector on a beach looking for loose change and aliens. Lame
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) January 27, 2016
It’s not a goose, so I think it’s cool.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today Duck(from in toaster): no there isn’t
— Owl Meat (@Owl_Meat) January 20, 2016
It’s where they keep the truth.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) January 21, 2016
He opened the filing cabinet.
I officially adopted the neighborhood raccoon. He's in my bedroom closet right now ripping my clothes to shreds.
— Mr. Frijoles (@mister_frijoles) January 23, 2016
Since last week, I have made very little progress on the whole world domination thing, but I’ve got an idea. It sounds crazy, and it might just be crazy enough to work.
[bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) September 1, 2015
With that, I’m off for adventure, intrigue, and a life filled with reckless wild abandon.
"I never text and drive" I say, as I merge into traffic and take a bite of my mashed potatoes.
— jerm (@JermHimselfish) January 20, 2016
Until the singularity or the Stay Puft man returns to destroy us all, remember that you too can be a demiurge if you really set your mind to it. Probably. At least I’m pretty sure. And if there’s one thing we know, it’s that I’m highly lucid and always correct. On the other hand…
I'm not crazy, just misdiagnosed and misquoted
— Trudacious (@Trudacious) January 7, 2016