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It’s Time For Big Business To Replace All Their CEOs With Twitter Mobs

Sure, you could have a leader who ‘makes decisions’ and ‘goes against conventional wisdom,’ but you don’t want to get dragged on Twitter, do you?


Traditionally, businesses followed a fairly simple formula. They sought to sell goods and services to consumers at a mutually beneficial price. In 2021, though, that’s not good enough. It’s time for businesses to do the work. It’s not about shareholders, or even customers, it’s about woke scolds on the internet, also known as “stakeholders.”

In an effort to keep up with this, at least as much as possible, it’s time for businesses to cut out the middleman and go straight to the source. Replace all your CEOs with Twitter.

For if there’s one thing businesses exist to do, it’s not to maximize profits. Business is not about delivering returns to shareholders. It’s about placating those stakeholders.

Sure, you could have a leader who “makes decisions” and “goes against conventional wisdom,” but you don’t want to get dragged on Twitter, do you? Think short-term here.

Because remember, what matters isn’t inventory, distribution systems, or sales, it’s performative acts of penance for supposed sins. You don’t really need a CEO for that, at least not one paid at the rate CEOs are currently going for, particularly when very online people will fulfill all the duties for the low, low price of a few retweets per day.

It’s true that Twitter is a cesspool of wildly unpopular opinions, but it’s also really loud. Forget that it’s only representative of an insanely small subset of your customer base. Instead, focus on the noise and remember that customers are increasingly an inconvenience. Too often, customers don’t share Twitter’s values, your values.

Because modern business isn’t about the bottom line, it’s about the timeline.

As such, there is really no choice but to outsource all decision-making to the internet and then hand most of the keys to your business over to your social media intern. She/him/they/xer will be able to handle things from here.

And if anyone within your company or on the board suggests there may be problems associated with this strategy, simply reply with a GIF of Tina Fey rolling her eyes. They’ll get the message.