In recent years, I’ve become quite controversial because of my ideas. For promoting such seemingly obvious concepts as Forced Diversity Is Bad, Women Have Breasts, and Western Culture, I’ve been shunned by the academy and banned from the editorial pages of major newspapers that used to welcome me with open legs. The winds of change that blow and suck have thrown me off course.
But, like my uncle, the esteemed Sen. Thomas Gore Pollack, once taught me, when your yacht starts to tip, you must change tack. Therefore, I’ve gone underground.
Becoming a member of the radical fringe group The Intellectual Dark Web has allowed me to spread my ideas using controversial technologies like YouTube and podcasts and Twitter. By doing so, I’ve gained thousands of fans, hundreds of acolytes, and dozens of paid subscribers. I’ve also found a community like none other that has ever existed.
While I used to travel in esteemed literary circles that included Andre Dubus III and Wallace Stegner, now my cohort is comprised of other radical members of the Dark Web, like Ben Shapiro (“The Shabbat Party Dog”), Joe Rogan, Seth Rogen, Eric Weinstein and his brother Stinky Weinstein, Christina Hoff “Jamie” Sommers, and a couple of weird black guys. Together, we foster an atmosphere of free intellectual discourse and self-promotion, and we’re saving the world from its own stupidity.
I don’t like the name The Intellectual Dark Web. Instead, I prefer to call us The Holy Alliance Of Game-Changing Brain Knights. Regardless, I still serve as the group’s de facto leader and representative to the clueless mainstream press. In fact, I’ve been booked on “The Kitchen” next week to make Intellectual Dark Halloween party treats with Katie Lee and Jeff Mauro.
As the reluctant yet willing head of a movement, it’s up to me to provide a framework for my cohort. Fortunately, I have one ready. In my “12 Rules for Wisdom: How to Live an Immoral and Fastidious Life in A Brain-Dead World,” I stand against postmodernism, premodernism, fascism, Rosicrucianism, nihilism, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortezism, and pointillism.
I conclude that “suffering is an inevitable consequence of life, especially if you’re reading TV reviews on Slate.” By “facing the darkness” in the “academy,” I posit, you will “learn to love and be happy again just by whistling.” My philosophy may seem counterintuitive, yet it is correct. Only by pure selfishness (and tidiness), I conclude, can we rebuild Western society.
My rules are far more complicated than they sound, and much simpler. Here they sit, in an abridged form. Live by them, and don’t forget to buy a ticket to see me on tour this fall.
Sit up straight and tuck in your shirt. No one has any manners anymore. What is this, a barn? Look at me when I’m talking to you!
Don’t ever give anyone money. The world wasn’t built on handouts. You shouldn’t pick up the check or pay anyone anything, ever. Even your employees. Let them hire a lawyer if they want your money so badly.
Make friends with people who can do something for you. Networking is the key to a successful life. By appearing on one another’s podcasts, we can raise the world and gain subscribers.
Compare yourself with people who aren’t doing as well as you are. That will make you feel better, and will allow you to gloat a little bit. Then you’ll have the courage to crush the competition a little more. But don’t ever compare yourself with Dave Eggers, you will not do well.
Do not let your children do anything except chores. If they comply, on Sunday, let them have one small scoop of ice cream. Then they will sit around and listen to you tell a story of how you owned this one guy on YouTube.
If you don’t have something nice to say, say it anyway, and loudly. As an intellectual superior, you must accept the terrible responsibility of telling people they’re wrong. Cruelty is actually kindness, because, like the red pill in the movie “Aliens,” it wakes people up from their stupor. Also, don’t forget to dust before you leave the house.
Pursue virtue as long as it is profitable. Doing the right thing means nothing if you can’t gain from it personally. So much of humanity is devoted to empty gestures of “service.” It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that bling.
Tell people whatever they want to hear. Everyone will be much happier, and then you’ll be able to do whatever you want. Most people don’t pay attention anyway. You’re extremely brilliant and attractive, so you already know this.
Assume that the person with whom you’re talking is a complete idiot. Ninety-five percent of the time, that will be correct. Occasionally, someone will tell you something interesting. In that case, steal his idea and pass it off as your own. If that’s not possible, at least you can criticize him for improper grooming.
Be vague and condescending in your speech. Why would you do anything else? Have you even considered the alternative? Of course you haven’t, because of intellectual deficiencies. Also, isn’t it about time you got your car washed?
Children should not be allowed in restaurants. Or on airplanes. Or in grocery stores. Why do people insist on taking their children everywhere? Kids are noisy and messy and make it difficult to live a life of the mind.
If you see a cat on the street, put it in a sack and sell it for experiments. I understand that this is controversial, but I think you’ll agree that there are too many cats in this world.
(BONUS RULE) This above all: To thine own self be true. Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you. How true that is.