As expected, the Norwegians won all the medals in cross country and ski jumping—events that double as the primary forms of transportation in Scandinavia. Alpine skiers once again celebrated being the fastest at the slowest possible ways to ski down a hill. And, same as ever, women’s figure skating fans were upset at the result of a sport where winning requires advanced calculus and colluding judges instead of, you know, crossing a finish line first.
Simply put, the Winter Olympics were as boring as we’ve come to expect. So if the International Olympic Committee wants to give us anything to look forward to in 2022, it will need to plug some more fascinating forms of competition into Beijing’s schedule. To give them a much-needed hand, here are five new events to spice things up.
Hockey and curling are to Canadians what football and making fun of Canadians are to Americans, so watching okey-doking North Dakotans and mustachioed Minnesotans win gold in both these sports brought Canadians a level of dishonor they hadn’t experienced since Justin Trudeau’s embarrassing visit to India earlier that day.
This was, of course, the best part of the 2018 Winter Games, so it’s only fitting to cut out the sporting event middle man and make Canada-shaming an official event next time around. Athletes will employ various methods to weaken the resolve of our neighbors to the north—beating them in a poutine cook-off, moving Tim Horton’s headquarters to Buffalo, whatever it takes. First person to make an Ontarian don moosecloth and ashes wins.
2. Extreme Biathlon
Regular biathlon, a combination of cross country and target shooting, is already one of the more entertaining winter events, but it needs a way to liven up those boring bits of ski-jogging. Extreme biathlon accomplishes this in the most logical way possible. Instead of shooting targets, biathletes will shoot bears, preferably grizzlies.
Of course, they wouldn’t shoot hard enough to injure the poor creatures, but definitely hard enough to make the bears chase after them in a froth-mouthed rage, thereby rendering the cross-country half of the event far more fascinating. Last person to get eaten wins.
3. Ice Hurling
There’s nothing more heartbreaking than watching a figure skater’s dreams erupt in flames after she flubs a jump and falls to the ice. Despite years of rigorous training and dedicated sequin selection, all it takes is a millisecond of poor judgment and she’s leaving the Olympic games with nothing but the world’s pity. It’s time to offer these hard-working athletes a second chance—not only to attain Olympic gold but also to regain their dignity.
Ice hurling offers that double shot of redemption. Losers of both the men and women’s figure skating competitions will eat a dozen oysters, down a half gallon of eggnog, then hop on the ice and do the Biellmann spin until they barf. Puke a perfect circle and you’ll win that long-desired gold. But more importantly, you’ll recover both your dignity and the respect of your fellow countrymen.
4. Zamboni Jousting
It’s exactly what it sounds like.
5. Dictator Snuggling
How much do American journalists hate the vice president? So much that they found themselves fawning over North Korea’s Kim Yo-jong for giving Mike Pence the stink-eye at PyeongChang’s opening ceremonies. Such behavior, of course, only makes a Trump/Pence reelection all the more likely, an event that will surely break the hearts of the lady tyrant’s club.
But in 2022, dictator snuggling will give journalists a chance to weave the straw of their political sorrow into Olympic gold. The rules are simple.
Stick North Korean Goebbels and Pence in the same room again. Ten possible style points for screaming like a Beatlemaniac as she recreates a shoulder brush GIF in the vice president’s direction. Ten technical points for covering Pence’s inability to commit adultery while ignoring North Korea’s success at unofficial Olympic events like “raping your cheerleaders,” “feeding people to dogs” and “starving children to death because their mother gossiped about Dear Leader’s father.”
Finally, ten bonus points for once again cooing about the reigning gulag world champions winning diplomatic gold over a vice president who clearly deserves the world’s judgment for the war crimes of believing in natural marriage and drinking non-alcoholic beer.