Reid crept around his house wearing nothing but a giant foam Viking hat. Having been foiled for the previous six years by the Easter Meerkat, he knew this year was going to be his year, the time when he finally captured the small carnivore.
He munched chocolate goldfish while laying his traps, which also included chocolate goldfish. For design help, he’d studied the work of Wile E. Coyote and other Loony Tunes visionaries. His sister Sofia wasn’t impressed, though she did get trapped twice when she tripped the traps while going for the snacks. Wile E. and his compatriots weren’t totally inept, it seemed.
Reid went to bed, clutching Sofia’s butterfly net, as he planned to use it to capture the meerkat. As he waited, he began to drift off, visions of eggs and treats dancing through his head.
Before he crashed, he heard a loud crash and leaped from his bed. Stumbling into the living room, net in hand, he found not the Easter Meerkat, but Olivia, the babysitter. It seems she had decided to pop open a bottle of his mom and dad’s cheap champagne and the cork had ricocheted around the room, causing the ruckus.
It was then that he noticed that one of his traps was sprung. He nervously tiptoed toward it, flush with anticipation. He wasn’t prepared for what happened next.
[crashes through ceiling air vent onto office floor while dressed as Elsa from 'Frozen', then simply walks away after adjusting his crotch]
— Some call me RZA (@jrza206) April 5, 2017
From there, the situation escalated.
You know it's gonna be a great week when you come home to cops swarming the neighborhood and a helicopter overhead.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) April 10, 2017
But it was cool, because Reid had a plan. Well, we already established that, but it’s layered.
My favorite part of Spring cleaning is the burning my demons.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) April 7, 2017
And that plan involved calling in reinforcements.
[your mom over the intercom at Ripley's Believe It or Not! Odditorium]
"Deliver Jack Palance or prepare for orbital lazer blast"
— taffí benīngtøn (@singwithTaffy) April 10, 2017
It also included some danger.
You say laundry chute. I say vertical bobsled track.
— Boo Meringue (@Izianikapani) March 31, 2017
A plan with a civic focus in mind.
*submits proposal to replace city bus with a series of connected Slip'n'Slides.
— Minion (@miffedmim) March 25, 2017
Then Reid paused and asked himself a question about the capturing stick he was wielding.
If she gives you butterflies don't let her go.
Hold her tightly, until she explains what you're supposed to do with the butterflies.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) April 4, 2017
But then he remembered something. He had a moment of doubt.
I should never have accepted that mission from God.
— Kimtopher (@kimtopher22) April 6, 2017
That’s when things got serious.
The killings began in earnest.
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) April 4, 2017
Someone accused me of having a God complex so I smote her.
— The Untastic Mr Fitz (@UnFitz) August 15, 2015
That’s when Sofia had a revelation of her own.
My tombstone will say, "She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard."
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) March 10, 2014
The National Guard had no choice.
(wearing fire gloves, gripping 5 squirrels)
SUN GODDESS BRIGHID
please morph into faerie form and prepare for fighting action.
— taffí benīngtøn (@singwithTaffy) April 7, 2017
Fortunately, the little ones soon settled and resumed their mission.
If I had wings, I'd spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) May 26, 2016
Reid decided to don more comfortable footwear as he prepared for the task at hand.
ME: I lost my slippers, swearbot can you help me find m-
SWEARBOT: by the couch, u piece of shit
ME: I was expecting that but it still hurts
— wylde de beest (@flashember) March 22, 2017
Sofia was excited about her kicks, too.
My life is a constant struggle against despair and existential angst, but damn I have cute shoes on today.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) April 7, 2017
Meanwhile Olivia, while not having children of her own, had a strong sense of duty towards the ones she was watching. I mean, despite cracking the cheap champagne.
Can't get your kids to clean up their rooms?Why not try
THROWING THEM INTO THE DARK PORTAL THAT BOTH MAN AND NATURE HAVE DEEMED FORBIDDEN
— Yacht Rocker (@economybacon) April 7, 2017
She was dressed for a victory, after all.
I'm wearing seersucker and I've never felt more alive. ALIVE, you hear me?
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) June 7, 2016
Back to the Easter Meerkat. If there’s one thing that’s helpful in catching a … woodland creature? Where do meerkats live? No matter.
I just want to befriend a wild bird & we'll go thru a hidden door in the trunk of a tree & have adventures together is that too much to ask?
— B. (@AddledPixie) April 8, 2017
The scene wasn’t really dependent on scenery.
The sun is shining. Birds are chirping. In other words, it's a perfect day for murder and mayhem.
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) April 9, 2017
Though proper attire was still required. Fortunately, everyone was dressed for success.
[in the middle of gang initiation]
"Do these jorts match our team colors?"
— Scubavelli™ (@ScubavelliDeux) March 23, 2017
Sofia was down.
Sorry, can't do it. I'm polishing my cauldron.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) April 10, 2017
Plus she was prepared.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) April 10, 2017
Reid was just confused. What did all this have to do with the Easter Meerkat?
Quick I need someone that speaks gibberish
— Böb Your Pal Jänke (@Bob_Janke) April 11, 2017
And where the hell was the bunny?
I'm going to be a slutty nurse
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 11, 2017
That’s when Olivia, who maybe wasn’t the greatest babysitter, got an idea.
Making Jell-O shots in plastic eggs just like the disciples did
— Anna Grace (@graceful_asfuck) March 26, 2016
Reid, meanwhile, hadn’t forgotten what he was after.
The claw slowly lowers. You taste victory. My hand emerges from the stuffed animals and slaps your prize away.
— Boog (@BoogTweets) April 11, 2017
He had trained diligently.
Sorry no can do, can't you see I'm doing my military training exercises.
*continues playing hopscotch
— L'Boxy L’Roxy (@laboxalaroxa) April 13, 2017
Capturing the Easter Meerkat wasn’t his only goal.
My kid elbowed 7 Aidans and 4 Kadens to get his Easter egg hunt haul cuz go big or go home.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 11, 2017
He hadn’t forgotten his refreshments.
The words "I hope they serve root beer floats in hell" are all I leave as I buckle my helmet and ride my Vespa into the horizon
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) April 10, 2017
And everyone was playing it cool. Maybe.
you can't fool me with your trying not to make a face face
— Wilx Kivz (@LagunaBeachPOV) April 5, 2017
They were relaxed.
"What a lovely Waterford Crystal vase."
"It's a gin and tonic."
— O' live (@offbeatoliv) April 6, 2017
On top of their game.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It's like buying a bicycle
— The Real Fuckin Deal (@Prof_Hinkley) April 25, 2015
So far as we know.
Just go with whatever you think I implied.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) October 27, 2016
It had reached that point in the evening. The young ‘uns were a tad confused.
Your intentions had better be as clear as my moonshine.
— Rev (@NotARatsAss) November 14, 2014
Meanwhile, their parents had gotten home and slipped in the back door.
"Be silent, be still."
-Me whenever someone knocks on the door.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 3, 2017
Olivia’s chariot arrived, ready to take her home.
My bf: hey ur nearly out of gas-dontcha think u should-
Me, angry at my bf for pointing out the obvious: I DONT NEED GAS I AM FUELED BY RAGE
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) April 10, 2017
She promptly started another battle.
I gave a slow wink once. Still haven't finished.
— Miss Muse (@bevandeveire) April 10, 2017
She’d been holding something in.
My Mom told me my hair looks flat and dull today, so it looks like I'll be crying while the V05 Hot Oil treatment takes effect tonight.
— Ironballs McGinty (@IronballsMcGinT) April 5, 2017
Okay, maybe she’d been holding a lot of things in.
Date: They say you swallow 8 spiders a year in your sleep
Me: *spiders just swarming from my mouth* Really? That would explain some things
— Cam (@GinAndJif) April 4, 2017
She did have a trump card.
The reason I'm so bitter is so if a predator tries to eat me, they'll get deathly ill. It's evolution, baby.
— My Name is Mommy (@mommywhitfield) March 14, 2017
And her battle paint.
I love watching women putting makeup on during my morning commute like they're preparing for war and shit.
— DruPacalypse (@D2BMcG) March 28, 2017
No, this is all 100 percent accurate.
I'd love to but you're lying.
— Definitely not me (@WhoToldYou2) April 4, 2017
When I say the Easter Meerkat was probably captured, he was. Probably.
you're easy I like that about you
— Fuzzlime (@fuzzlime) April 3, 2017
It was then that the siblings noticed that time had passed and dawn had broken.
[Me noticing the moon is out at 11am]
Time to go home. Nobody needs you here, big girl.
— Jess (@jessokfine) April 7, 2017
They had a lot to explain.
"Sorry I didn't have a chance to clean up the place," I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) July 27, 2016
And they may have been a little confused. Staying up all night will do that to you.
I confuse rays of sunlight with laser beams. Note that.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) April 1, 2017
Plus, there was still the matter of the Easter Meerkat. Reid and Sofia prepared themselves.
[holds megaphone up to mouth]
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) April 3, 2015
The kids traipsed about the house, sure that their quest was not to come to fruition. Then they noticed the last trap was sprung and bouncing about on the floor. Slowly they approached it and lifted it up. They were not truly prepared for what would greet them.
For while they’d taken in the myths about the Easter Meerkat to heart, they never truly believed. Then, they captured the creature.
They lifted the box up, expecting wonder. They found it, kind of, for the carnivore was armed with treats. But they had really expected more, like some Cadbury Eggs. Instead they stood in silence, surveilling the scene, ready to use giant toy tubs as Easter baskets. It was then that they noticed the Peeps.
You seem not impressed with me. I like that in a person.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) April 14, 2017