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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 91

By: Rich Cromwell
10 min read

The car parked in the front lawn should have been her first clue that something was amiss, yet her dreams of fame and fortune propelled her forward and into the building.

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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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Laila arrived at the audition and discovered it was being held in a dilapidated clubhouse of some sort. The car parked in the front lawn should have been her first clue that something was amiss, yet her dreams of fame and fortune propelled her forward and into the building.

As she entered, she was greeted by a den featuring four chairs, all with the backs facing her. Before she could say anything, they turned, one by one. It was then that she saw her judges were anything but normal.

The first chair swung around and Laila was greeted by a terrifying creature. It was no living woman, but a banshee, weeping and wailing. She did welcome Laila to the audition, albeit with a wail and not a warm, normal hello. She also told her to break a leg. Laila considered the possibility that the terrifying spirit was being literal.

In the second chair sat a man who looked very much like Bono, but swore his name was Roger Murdock. He refused to say much besides his name, though he vehemently denied being Bono. The chair to his left turned and revealed a very small and sinister fellow wearing a green tux and top hat. He said his name was Fernando.

Then the last chair turned. Laila didn’t know what to expect, particularly given the reveals the first three turns offered. Nothing yet—not the car in the lawn, not the banshee, not Roger Murdock, not the little guy in the colorful tux—had prepared her for this moment. For when the 180-degree turn was complete and Laila saw the final judge, she saw not a human, but a floppy-armed inflatable dude with a video screen for a head.

She wasn’t sure what this meant for her audition, but any encouragement would be welcomed.


Things started on a positive note when Roger Murdock offered a compliment.


Then the banshee howled, “What brings you here?”


She continued:


A girl has to dream, after all.


Meanwhile, off in a parallel, or maybe a parallax, universe, an entirely different truth was emerging.


But that’s not why we’re here. We’re here for the music, even the occasional country song.


Also there’s the matter of Fernando’s attire. It made him seem superfluous to the goings on.


It was then that the man in the monitor stopped flopping and nodding and spoke.


He realized he wasn’t exactly being helpful.


So, he decided to lighten the mood.


Roger Murdock got in on the act, however obtusely.


Things went kinda downhill from there.


The director, or random dude who’d wandered in from some other part of the clubhouse, called for a commercial break.


Goats! Do you have one?


A new series coming soon on TBS!


Then, from out of nowhere, came a second contestant. This wasn’t how things were supposed to work. Laila remembered the car in the lawn.


The contender was a little bit rock and roll.


Then Floppy, because he probably deserves a name at this point, inexplicably decided to speak up again. And again, no one knew what the hell he was talking about.


It may seem like things are sort of getting away from us, but don’t worry.


Fernando offered another compliment. Things kinda went downhill from here, again.


The director shouted. It was time for another commercial break.


How this emerged from “Shark Tank” is anyone’s guess. But, I mean, check ‘em out.


Now the one that tugs at the heartstrings while mildly annoying before we cut back to the show.


The banshee got real.


But she was supportive.


Cut to extra special guest who has a message about something or other.


Meanwhile, the battle continued. Laila was having none of her would-be interlocutor.


It was time for a fight. They met at the crossroads.


But first a quick commercial break!


Wu-Tang Financial: Protect Yo Liquid Assets


Let us bring you luxury.


Now back to our show.


The battle intensified.


They taunted one another.


Floppy went to speak, but Roger Murdock cut him off.


Meanwhile, the challenger remembered her own motivation. Also, being nameless didn’t help.


Laila, though, subtly hinted at the fate that would befall her opponent.


Commercial break.


And we’re back, tension rising.


Things getting real.


One-upping climbing at a fast pace.


Backhanded compliments.


The banshee howled in horror when the camera cut to her.


Back to the competition.


Another mic dropped!


The fight coming to a close, a truth was uttered.


And then the penultimate mic was dropped.


The fight ended as Floppy, the banshee, Fernando, and Roger Murdock turned their chair backs to the challenger. She had been bested. And as for Laila? Well, let’s remember that car in the lawn out front. She won, but it was more “won,” for none of these judges amounted to much. Sure, Fernando babbled a bit about a pot of gold, but his understanding of physics was way off.

Laila understood. And as G.I. Joe used to say, “Knowing is half the battle.” I’m not sure that’s relevant here. What is relevant is that our set design is flawless. I mean, it’s beyond reproach, and that’s not for nothing.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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