It was a seedy resort, the kind of place where guacamole cost extra and extra guacamole cost even more. Plus, there was a preponderance of dueling.
He never expected to find himself in such a situation. His life had been filled with respite and cheap beer, shenanigans, and high tea at noon. He was not cut out for a duel.
Sometimes, though, when one’s honor is insulted, there is but one recourse and that recourse is to demand satisfaction. Such was Peter’s fate. For when the man across the bar uses your mug for a game of avocado pit basketball, you have no choice but to challenge him to pistols at dawn.
As the sun broke across the horizon, Peter nervously stepped out and stared down his opponent. Germaine had been quite successful at draining a three-pointer from across the bar with his pit. Would his skill with his weapon match his skill with the ball?
The two men glared at one another and placed their hands on their weapons. Peter prepared to draw and fire; Germaine took a jauntier approach. It was a mistake that would seal his fate.
He adjusted his cowboy hat, spun on his heel, unholstered his pistol & began shooting wildly. Ugh no ammunition again damnit
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) February 24, 2017
As Peter fired, he heard yelling in the distance. At first he thought it cheers of support, but then he noticed the tone was rather mocking.
Took advantage of the nice morning weather by going outside & giving a butterfly some shit
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) June 17, 2015
The butterfly wasn’t having it, though.
Me: Good morning! How are you?
CW: Just ducky!
Me: You know I could kill you and no one would find out, right?
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) October 19, 2016
Germaine’s ride was perplexed at the turn of events, but motivated by the woman who dissed the butterfly. She went looking for answers the only place she could.
I walked into my office, and there she was: auburn hair, deep brown eyes.
I hoped that horse wanted a private eye or this would be strange.
— Meh Sold Separately (@TheAlexNevil) July 27, 2015
Peter, on the other hand, was feeling pretty triumphant and announced it to the world.
I AM THE [fill in the blank]
OF GALACTICAL QUADRANT 7
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) March 8, 2017
He wondered, perhaps, if he’d gone too far. Then he realized he’d just gone not too far enough.
Just made a good decision. Felt weird. Probably won’t do it again.
— Abe M. Bee (@dubiousrhetoric) February 28, 2017
Besides, his quest was not complete and logic wasn’t going to get him anywhere.
Dear voice of reason,
Nobody asked you.
— MisoSilly (@SeiYoung83) February 19, 2017
It was then that he thought back on his childhood and realized he should probably do something with the body.
Something tells me I’m going to regret teaching my 7yo the concept of “not leaving evidence”
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 18, 2016
Little did she realize how the volatility of the town in which her caper was to take place, plus that morning’s events, would affect her caper.
AC just changed “guns and cars” to “fun and cats” so this heist is going to be a lot more peaceful than I anticipated…
— Cam (@GinAndJif) February 16, 2017
Nor did she realize the type of person she’d encounter once she went to pull off her heist. She threw a cat at him, but he was unfazed.
I thought by now I’d be living in Mexico under an assumed name, drinking in seedy cantinas to forget my crimes and the woman I did them for.
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) February 21, 2017
Her accomplice, meanwhile, was staying focused, if making things up as she went along.
*slips note to cashier: this is a robbery. put the money in the bag. also ur perfume is lovely. put ur perfume in the bag too. thnx babe xo*
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) March 3, 2017
Gretchen sat nursing a drink, pondering if today was her day.
When I was a kid, I was led to believe adulthood would involve more citizen’s arrests. I’ve arrested zero citizens.
— Gret¢hen (@wokkax3) March 3, 2017
A voice whispered, “Do it. Do it now. This is the moment in which to make a citizen’s arrest.”
whenever I need to make a decision I think to myself, “what would a smart person do?” then I admit to myself I have no idea what that is
— snowjob (@canadasandra) February 23, 2017
She knew if something went wrong, there would be people around to help. People with supplies.
Sorry I don’t have any bandages for emergencies but I do carry a flask of whiskey
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) March 9, 2017
Gretchen decided to go for it, to make a citizen’s arrest. First, she got hit with a cat. Then she got hit with another cat. Then, one more. Then someone sprayed perfume in her wounds. She looked around, trying to find relief.
All we want as adults is a really good hiding spot.
— Rock the Kasbah (@MarieLoerzel) February 22, 2017
Fortunately, the duo was losing their resolve.
“Can you close your eyes first?”
— Я. (@iinkedZombie) July 23, 2015
Peter, feeling pretty good after his duel, was maybe not paying as much attention to the road as he should have as he headed to the cantina.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) July 23, 2015
Amidst the chaos and carnage of the cats, perfume, and heist, a patron stumbled out unnoticed and distracted an officer attempting to investigate the kerfuffle.
That’s not a spring in my step, Officer, I’m just really drunk.
— Rev (@NotARatsAss) March 4, 2017
While another patron decided to seize the day.
Decided to pair this roast beef sandwich with a bottle of champagne. Don’t you dare throw any shade my way.
— DarkerWillow (@DarkerWillow) March 7, 2017
Just then, Peter strode into the bar, surveyed the goings on, and prepared to call for détente. Before he could speak, a woman attempting to enjoy a nice drink stood up.
GEEZ CALM THE HELL DOWN
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) March 8, 2017
The crowd settled, except for Jeff who was hanging from a ceiling fan and drinking a beer.
My dream is to become the “Clown Prince” of something
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) February 23, 2017
Erica was not pleased with this turn of events.
Do you ever wish you were the next character killed off in a new hit drama that is your own life because I do.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) March 9, 2017
Meanwhile, Bob resolved to get the fight going again.
I can bite a broom handle in half
— Böb El Diablo Jänke (@Bob_Janke) March 4, 2017
While Candy made a dramatic entrance.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 9, 2017
Tony, who stumbled into the scene, decided his original idea was no longer worth his time and sat down at the bar.
It’s not really a plan until I abandon it.
— Tony™ (@tsm560) March 2, 2017
Just outside the cantina, though, lurked a troop. Fortunately they were distracted with trying to steal a car. It had already been run into, so they thought it would be easy. They were wrong.
I think I’m pretty safe from chimp attack. So I’ve got that going for me.
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) March 4, 2017
Others, meanwhile, were helping themselves in preparation for any situation which might arise later.
*stuffing mini liquor bottles in backpack*
H: What are all those for?
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) February 22, 2017
Anna nods, taking a sip off a tiny bottle of Bailey’s.
My greatest take away from Frozen is that it’s ok to be little slutty if you’re not as pretty as your sister
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) March 9, 2017
Next door, a commotion arose. Anna finished her Bailey’s and headed out the door to check it out.
You can tell a lot about a sweet
little old lady by the names she calls
you, when you steal her shopping
— Marcmywords (@Marcmywords2) June 22, 2015
She was delayed on the way as she stopped to help a ninja struggling to get up and join in the fracas.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) February 19, 2015
Back inside the cantina, “Caribbean Queen” drifted out of the speakers.
If your seduction arsenal doesn’t include Billy Ocean, then you’re set for a defeat.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) March 11, 2016
One woman, initially hoping to move into this rowdy resort town, began to question this desire.
HR Lady: The next step in the job application screening process is absolutely horrifying. Let me know your availability
— kanye’s bhole (@bossy_bootz) March 2, 2017
One guy asked the question we’ve all been wondering about.
America should have its own moon.
— Jason Hunzeker (@hunz74) June 28, 2016
His brother, on the other hand, is keeping it real.
The guy at the convenience store just told me it’s his last day, which works out well for me because I was going to kill him tomorrow.
— Damon Hunzeker (@DamonHunzeker) March 8, 2017
Outside the cantina, a woman handed out treats to help heal the wounds from the battle. Except…
[a social experiment where I stand outside and give away fresh cookies]
People thank me profusely. They have no idea they’ve been poisoned.
— love and locatelli (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 7, 2017
Little did they know where those cookies would lead.
Since my wish is to be cremated rather than buried, I’d like the legend on the urn to read:
— Crazy Myra (@OutOnTheMoors) February 9, 2017
On the other side of the door, a man cracked his knuckles as people checked to see what he was handing out.
It’s not that I have anything against you.
I just don’t have anything for you.
— Cabo (@Shot_Of_Cabo) January 25, 2017
Back inside, Peter noticed a woman sitting at the bar, dressed in nothing but a bikini. He stepped to her.
[me, flirting] you look like someone with the upper strength to put me in a wood chipper
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) March 5, 2017
He was quickly rebuffed.
I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that I was nice.
— My Name is Mommy (@mommywhitfield) March 5, 2017
Peter persisted. Eventually his charm and skill at dueling prevailed, and he learned that he was sitting next to a beach volleyball champion, hence the upper body strength necessary for shoveling him into a wood chipper. He was not destined for that just yet, though. First, he was to take a leisurely stroll with this woman and her pet weasel, Rodrigo.
The pair stepped out of the bar and walked past Peter’s car, which was sporting a boot at that point. He still had to answer for Germaine’s death, but usually the town overlooked casualties from dueling, so he wasn’t overly concerned. For the time being, all that was required was that he enjoy the calm the town was offering, if only for a moment.
They came upon a swimming pool; the gate was unlocked. The volleyball player looked at Peter and asked a simple question. “Cannonball?” He jumped, tucking his legs to his chest and waiting for the splash. The lady smiled while the weasel kinda just sat there. It’s what they do.
Meanwhile, across town, a soupcon of bourbon was poured in honor of my arrival. I just had to finish my tale first.
Hey, here comes that guy whose stories never have a point. I love this guy.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) March 8, 2017