It wasn’t the most insidious dance craze to ever sweep the nation. Therein lay the problem. True danger is either much more cloaked or much more visible, depending on the situation. It’s usually not just there, being kind of innocuous.
Not that any of this mattered to our instigator. No, she was quite comfortable with hiding right out in the open, calling out the next step. Much like the Pied Piper, except not at all. This Piper, as it were, was to lead all the Komodo dragons out of Bismarck, North Dakota. Maybe it was all the Zydeco bands out of Louisiana. Either way, that detail doesn’t matter.
What does matter is that our piper was employing a classic pincer movement and attacking the opposition from both sides of its rear flank. And when greeted on either side by a wall, there is no escape. It’s best to just give in.
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) February 14, 2017
It’s all in how you take it. Maybe it’s a positive step.
Ugh don't you hate when the Oracle casts a foreshadow on your harbinger
— She'sARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) February 10, 2017
You do the Wall.
I never know what to do with my arms when I'm dying inside.
— Nerdine Boo (@brennadine) November 2, 2016
Maybe it was actually an intricate series of steps.
Once I passed out drunk at Georgia O'Keeffe's house and she drew a vagina on my face
— It's My Bday. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) January 26, 2016
There’s a way to stop this, but we have to move just right.
the moon landing, except it's the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) September 8, 2015
Even if she picks you up on your way to disseminate insidious dance moves, she could be part of the front guard.
There is literally no way of knowing if your grandmother drives for Uber
— jerm himselfish (@JermHimselfish) February 16, 2017
She could also confuse you as to the purpose of the mission if she chooses an unconventional conveyance.
They said a hamster sled team was impossible and from the look of all these dead rodents I think they were right.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) November 4, 2015
Before embarking on her mission, our protagonist prepared, physically and mentally.
I'm sleeping alone tonight for the first time in weeks. Might cry a little, maybe rob a 7-11.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) February 21, 2017
Then she awoke and began disseminating her nefarious dance.
"if I was wrong"
*spins around in leather chair*
"then why am I the one in the chair"
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) July 21, 2015
Those who refused to dance tasted fate.
Although not treated well by kids in high school, I take solace in the fact that it was 20 years ago and they’re probably all dead by now
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) February 21, 2017
For there was but one choice, to give in.
My idea stands and is great I don't care if you don't like it
— Böb DickFinger Jänke (@Bob_Janke) February 21, 2017
Don’t oversell it. In order to succeed, quiet acquiescence is a must.
"I'm so popular even dead ppl wanna hang out with me"
– people who believe in ghosts
— snowjob (@canadasandra) February 11, 2017
When attempting to dominate the world via dance, there will be objections.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) February 20, 2017
That’s why you push back twice as hard. You’re delivering change, damn it.
If you can't immediately justify all the terrible things I do, we can't be friends.
— Queen of the Damned (@Cpt_Burnout) February 5, 2017
And maybe you’re also delivering some unexpected moments.
Her: You're a cradle robber.
Me: *nervously thinks of storage shed filled with stolen cradles* What makes you say that?
— The Untastic Mr Fitz (@UnFitz) February 18, 2017
Radioactive unexpected moments. Ones that give you superhuman strength and skill.
ME: Did you know we all eat 8 spiders every day?
FRIEND: You mean in our lifetime
ME: [cobweb drops out of mouth] what
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 20, 2017
Maybe some expected moments, too.
Every time a baby is born in a vehicle on the way to the hospital, a homeless wizard puts a hex on it.
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) January 13, 2017
When all seems lost, we look up and raise our fist toward the sky. We shall deliver a dance. We have reinforcements.
FALL FOR ME.
— galactichalo (@barkingtrees) February 19, 2017
And no one will ever see our reinforcements coming, except, perhaps…
Hey, crazy female assassin with the LOL sweatshirt – I kind of like your style.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) February 16, 2017
For before we send in the troops, there is a crucial piece of information we need.
I don't need to trust you, I need your address.
— Oz9 (@lucidchemistry) February 17, 2017
And we shall retrieve it in the most stylish manner possible. The dance demands it.
It's the little things that make life worth living, like when your Uber driver shows up in a Fiero.
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) February 9, 2017
There is also the fact that what this fever needs is more cowbell.
Putting a bell around a cow's neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.
— Piece (@Piecezilla) June 20, 2016
Until you touch your feet to the ground, you shall not dance.
I don't feel alive in the morning until I've yelled at a cyclist.
— Boo Meringue (@Izianikapani) February 4, 2017
His wife shook her head, for she knew that he had not been listening to the right song, nor moving in the correct way.
Her: You sound hoarse. What's wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
— Tony (@Tmoney68) February 17, 2017
Her phone rang and her friend said she had a job for her, but it was just a request for some medicine for her husband’s cold. She was disappointed.
Received a job offer. Not the good kind though, like murder.
— L'Boxy L’Roxy (@laboxalaroxa) February 17, 2017
“Why yes, I can help you shake it off.”
My sheets are red so that when I murder my lovers I don't have to get blood stains out
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) February 7, 2017
Singing it instead of saying it also helps. Plus you might get someone to dance.
If you can't say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they're like, "hey, that wasn't nice." Buy some time.
— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) January 25, 2017
And thus she tricked him into dancing with her.
I was singing a love song and some guy asked if I was choking and needed help.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 20, 2017
And then he realized what was really afoot.
"Humor is tragedy plus time" I whisper as blood drips from my sword. The survivors don't seem to agree.
— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) February 18, 2017
That’s when she exclaimed,
I liked you better when I thought you were Steve McQueen's ghost.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) February 17, 2017
That’s when Steve saw it was his time to shine.
RIP towel that fell behind the dryer
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) February 18, 2017
There’s no dancing involved and it doesn’t further the cause.
"Look at that sexy man flying that R/C airplane," said no woman ever
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) September 12, 2016
They deserve it, to be honest.
I was a good person before social media and now I fat-shame squirrels.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) February 6, 2017
I’m just doing my part.
My hobbies include feeding psychedelics to gentle woodland creatures and making them question their existence.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) February 21, 2017
Are you gonna help spread the Wall or not?
Do not feed acid to the squirrels. pic.twitter.com/S9fkHk3JB7
— Я. (@iinkedZombie) February 21, 2017
For example, sowing chaos by making forest animals question reality.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and quite a few I'd like to repeat.
— Bionic Rev (@NotARatsAss) February 22, 2017
Potential? That’s like awarding someone the Nobel for attempted physics, but it does raise awareness.
You had me at your report of potential murders.
— Kimtopher (@kimtopher22) February 22, 2017
She could have been a contender when it came to spreading insidious grooves, but she wasted her potential.
LOOKING FOR REAL MOTIVATION???
— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) February 20, 2017
But it is motivational and, thanks to that, this guy is becoming our best spokesman.
Frantically trying to type "trapped in a nightmare" into WebMD but the keyboard keeps trying to bite my hands while Suzy from grade 8 laughs
— Mayor P (@punmagnate) February 3, 2017
Show her you love her by reenacting all of the Belushi scenes from Animal House.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) June 29, 2016
Zombies can do the Wall.
[hands start popping up from graves as the zombie apocalypse starts]
me: *running up and down each row of graves* HIGH FIVES!!!!!!!
— Turd Ferguson (@generaldietz) February 17, 2017
Her: Hey! How are you?
Me: *flaming dumpster noises*
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) February 20, 2017
There are some zombies raising their hands. They may even ask you to dance.
Anybody wanna be my date for the end of the World?
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) February 3, 2017
If you dream it, you can create it.
Why is it when "say hello to my little friend" is said it's a gun or a penis & never anything cool like a acorn shooting squirrel gun?
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) February 18, 2017
The squirrel scampers at midnight.
I don't have all the answers to a great relationship, but I'm certain it starts with a secret handshake.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) February 5, 2017
As she closed in on her final house, her plans began to take fruition. Soon, the entire nation would be doing the Wall. She extended her hand and pressed the button to the left of the door.
*Door bell rings*
*Sounds of skies sliding down stairs followed by a thud*
"Just a minute"
— Boog (@BoogTweets) February 20, 2017
After the door opened, she made her pitch. She quickly realized that she’d found an ally hiding in Superman’s Kansas.
Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) February 21, 2017
As dance crazes go, it wasn’t the most insidious, but it was insidious enough. Before long, it had ear-wormed its way into the minds of 98 percent of average Americans and a full 7 percent of hermits and people living off the grid. Soon everyone was dancing, which in and of itself wasn’t so bad.
What was a bit bad was that more and more people felt compelled to commune with nature in bizarre and unexpected ways. Even though it was called “The Wall,” that was the real meaning behind the lyrics, the hidden message pulsating through speakers and earbuds. It drove the populace to nature’s pet shop.
Before anyone realized what had happened, we were all pestering squirrels, badgering woodchucks, and chucking badgers. And we didn’t stop there. No, we forged ahead, blazing new paths as we leashed our hopes to our bizarre friends and demanded they lead us on exciting new adventures through light and sound. Mostly they were confused, but it was generally adorable. Just don’t ask about the Komodo dragon incident.
clerk: you can't bring that in here
me: he's my service dog
me: [setting my pet porcupine on the ground] Sic 'em, Porky
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) February 17, 2017